nimpark

I feel like I've ranted plenty about my friends on this page. And I'm gonna do it again!

My two friends who I have mentioned before, Cheeky and Dove, came over to chat today. It was nice to see them, but very exhausting to hang out with. I have been dealing with a minor headache since they left. But we're really different people. I'm a nonviolent pacifist, they believe in a violent revolution to fix all our problems. They're both just pretty violent. And political. I want just one time when we hang out that we don't talk about politics. Just one! I've grown to really hate the subject entirely. When we call each other on the phone we don't really talk politics, but when we're in person it's just all we (especially Cheeky) can talk about. I love them and it sometimes feels like my eyes are glazing over as they're talking about things. Both Dove and Cheeky are pretty staunch man-haters too, they're pretty open about that. But apparently they don't hate men enough to stop dating them... *rolls eyes*

They're still fun to be around, but I wonder sometimes if we're just on completely separate pages. Also I really dislike the "fake nice" voice they put on when they're talking about something they hate. It's kinda annoying. I don't know. They get along really well with my mom, to the point where I feel like they get along better with her than they do me. :(

In other news, other than the weird feelings I have towards my friends, I actually had a pretty good day. I finished reading the book Welcome to Night Vale a couple days ago. I really loved that book! I have all of the original novels that take place in Night Vale, this is just the first one I've finished. Always trying to look on the bright side of things, to let my thoughts just flow, and not ruminate on things so much. It's nice to vent sometimes.

I'm not going to go into it too much. Just... my best friend is not in their right mind. They got into a horrible relationship and it is quickly ruining their life but they refuse to listen to anything our other best friend or I say. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. To put it shortly, they got in major trouble yesterday and are now worse off then they were before. It is causing a lot of conflict and friction and it's just really hard to be friends with them. I care about them a lot, but I don't want to support their behavior or decisions. We've known each other our whole lives, I can't imagine my life without them, but the way things are going it's really hard. Every time they get into a relationship they put their partner above all else and their friends go on the back burner, which already is hurtful, but this is a step too far. This feels different from when my other best friend was struggling with illegal drug use, with her it felt like we could still reach her, even if it was difficult. I still saw glimpses of my friend when she talked to me. But now, with this other friend, I don't even recognize their behavior. It's like this relationship has turned them into a different person I don't know. It's scary, and I don't know what to do. I'm not equipped to handle situations like these. I don't know how to talk to my parents about this, but I want to. I just want to get it off my chest.

This has all been really stressful on me. And I'm just coming off a hypomanic episode, I still feel really floaty and irritable and like I can't make sensible decisions. I almost spent $100 on them without even thinking! It took my other best friend talking to me about it to help me think through it. And we had plans to go to a concert this summer. I don't even know if that's going to happen. This whole situation just feels crazy complicated. I don't even know what to say to them now, if I should even message them or call them. I don't know what I will say or what I should say. Honestly, I'm really disappointed with them. I'm disappointed with myself for not somehow preventing this. It's just really frustrating and confusing. It feels like my head is in a whirl. I don't know. I've already written about all this in my journal. I just needed somewhere else to talk about it.