Thanks for Trying
Oh man my LJ has just turned into the ultimate vent and bitch. ^^
I wish it wasn't, but I do feel better getting it all out somehow.
Work. God awful.
I sold 4 MaltxShitzsu in a row and it seemed never had time to stop between one job or another, and I found myself getting yelled at down the phone because Kelly screwed up again, and as usual someone else is there to take the blame.
Melanie takes total advantage of me, "Lauren... can you do me a favour", replace that with, "Lauren.... can you do something I'm getting paid to do but I'm going to ask you to do it for me because you can't say no because I've been working here 9 years and I'm the boss".
We have Spoodles in, I missed out on our Cavoodles by a day... :( Cavoodles are the cutest! But I love Spoodles too, so that cheered me up a bit - no more Chihuahuax Minie Foxie/Jack Russels! W00t!
The kitten Mew is still there out the back, she's a sweet little thing.
We got in 3 kittens DLH yesterday when I was on my 10min break and Melanie forgot to mention them to me and forgot about them so an hour or two later I see them out the back in their carrier... -_- "Mel, did you want me to set up a pen for these kittens?", "OH SHIT i forgot about them!" So I did a FAAAAAAVORRRR and put them out the front.
They were so young though... and terrified, and their claws were really REALLY sharp, and I have really REALLY bad sunburn. Gah people got angry at me when I put them in the pen up the front. "OMG They're so scared! >< And young! ><" Rar rar rar would you rather me keep them in the carrier out the back?! Good gad!
I want to organise a girls meet up, with not too many people, just for fun and a chat. ^^ Because as much as I love group meet ups there's never really a time to just sit down and talk.
Pancakes on the rocks or something. :D Chat, confide, gossip giggle, pancakes, tea, etc etc! <3
So I really want this to go ahead! I think it'll be good!
Last night I sent a text to someone which GAH was kind of about them not really and it could only have been one of the worst texts to send. Anyway I fixed it up sort of, but in the state I'm in at the moment lol I just panicked and probably freaked both parties out with my apologies and explanations and OMG OMG OMG'Ding. Hehe!
Whatever.
Damn I don't know why it makes me so sad to the point where I'm ranting in LJ for long paragraphs at a time.
I really wish I was strong. I used to be, at least I thought I was. I've had problems with my mum and everything else for years... Why can't I handle it anymore?!
I feel so slack, worrying my friends, HEY I'm meant to be the one worrying about YOU! ^^
I just tell them. i'm dealing with it. But I don't know how to. Where do I go from here?!
Maybe I should start by getting off the computer and going on a cleaning rampage.
I wish it wasn't, but I do feel better getting it all out somehow.
Yesterday was pretty horrible.
Mum seemed to feel a little guilty at first, trying to cheer me up with Chai and a muffin before work, and I felt... confused. I was going to write "a little better", but thats not what I feel anymore when she tries to comfort me. That doesn't bode well.
She kept INSISTING that I talk to her, that she wants to know whats wrong, because it's become obvious I'm not myself right now.
So she keeps trying... to "talk". Its as though my mum doesn't have a clue why I was so silent and sad in the car on the way to work.
Does know that she's slowly destroying the relationship she has with her daughter?Does she realise that maybe, just maybe when she asks me crying, "Wheres my daughter? Wheres Lauren May Ritchie, the sweet little girl? Weren't you happy with who she was? Why can't you be her?!" maybe it hurts me a little inside. And irrationality takes over, because shes my mother, I half believe her...and I half begin to despise the person I've "become".
I went a bit off track there...
Mum seemed to feel a little guilty at first, trying to cheer me up with Chai and a muffin before work, and I felt... confused. I was going to write "a little better", but thats not what I feel anymore when she tries to comfort me. That doesn't bode well.
She kept INSISTING that I talk to her, that she wants to know whats wrong, because it's become obvious I'm not myself right now.
So she keeps trying... to "talk". Its as though my mum doesn't have a clue why I was so silent and sad in the car on the way to work.
Does know that she's slowly destroying the relationship she has with her daughter?Does she realise that maybe, just maybe when she asks me crying, "Wheres my daughter? Wheres Lauren May Ritchie, the sweet little girl? Weren't you happy with who she was? Why can't you be her?!" maybe it hurts me a little inside. And irrationality takes over, because shes my mother, I half believe her...and I half begin to despise the person I've "become".
I went a bit off track there...
Work. God awful.
I sold 4 MaltxShitzsu in a row and it seemed never had time to stop between one job or another, and I found myself getting yelled at down the phone because Kelly screwed up again, and as usual someone else is there to take the blame.
Melanie takes total advantage of me, "Lauren... can you do me a favour", replace that with, "Lauren.... can you do something I'm getting paid to do but I'm going to ask you to do it for me because you can't say no because I've been working here 9 years and I'm the boss".
We have Spoodles in, I missed out on our Cavoodles by a day... :( Cavoodles are the cutest! But I love Spoodles too, so that cheered me up a bit - no more Chihuahuax Minie Foxie/Jack Russels! W00t!
The kitten Mew is still there out the back, she's a sweet little thing.
We got in 3 kittens DLH yesterday when I was on my 10min break and Melanie forgot to mention them to me and forgot about them so an hour or two later I see them out the back in their carrier... -_- "Mel, did you want me to set up a pen for these kittens?", "OH SHIT i forgot about them!" So I did a FAAAAAAVORRRR and put them out the front.
They were so young though... and terrified, and their claws were really REALLY sharp, and I have really REALLY bad sunburn. Gah people got angry at me when I put them in the pen up the front. "OMG They're so scared! >< And young! ><" Rar rar rar would you rather me keep them in the carrier out the back?! Good gad!
I want to organise a girls meet up, with not too many people, just for fun and a chat. ^^ Because as much as I love group meet ups there's never really a time to just sit down and talk.
Pancakes on the rocks or something. :D Chat, confide, gossip giggle, pancakes, tea, etc etc! <3
So I really want this to go ahead! I think it'll be good!
Last night I sent a text to someone which GAH was kind of about them not really and it could only have been one of the worst texts to send. Anyway I fixed it up sort of, but in the state I'm in at the moment lol I just panicked and probably freaked both parties out with my apologies and explanations and OMG OMG OMG'Ding. Hehe!
But yeah, I came home from work, Dda picked me up, and Mum still wanted to 'talk', to know what was on my mind. She blames "those internet people" and not being at Uni, for making me so upset right now.... noooooooo mum it was pretty much just you.
Although if I decided to get into it I am worried about alot of my friends right now.... But anyway.
So I gave her the long list minus HER, because.... I thought it might get better?
And she got really upset again... and went all silent... and withdrawn and depressed and started squeezing one of my stuffed toys really tight :P and told me she's holding back saying things to me because HER mother said things to her when she was young and she hasn't been able to get over it and she hates her mum still.... and she doesn't want the same thing to happen to us....
Irony much? I don't hate my mother of course... but yeah.
Like telling me that people pity her because I'm her daughter... she's the laughing stock of the whole extended family.
"Has anyone else seen that... THAT fancy underwear outfit? TT_TT"
"Well... yeah..."
"OH GOD LAUREN! *breaks down in tears* people TALK! Especially in the Shire! I don't want them pitying me...because my daughter goes out in the city at night and wears things like THAT! I'm just a big joke to you aren't I?! You go and joke to your friends about me and laugh about me I know it!"
"Mum! No! I don't laugh about you!"
"You tell me that but I know! I know! I would too! I thought you said you'd be a better person once you did your Bachelor of Arts course... but... I can't see that. I knew I should have made you do that science degree!"
My mum was the one who forced me into my arts degree... I wanted to do Visual Arts... but she said I'd be the better person... Gah!
So, yeah, that conversations been clearly ringing in my ears for days...
She tells me she doesn't beleive me anymore, and I it'll get better only when I go back to uni and stop seeing my friends because they've turned me into this person and made me upset.
Although if I decided to get into it I am worried about alot of my friends right now.... But anyway.
So I gave her the long list minus HER, because.... I thought it might get better?
And she got really upset again... and went all silent... and withdrawn and depressed and started squeezing one of my stuffed toys really tight :P and told me she's holding back saying things to me because HER mother said things to her when she was young and she hasn't been able to get over it and she hates her mum still.... and she doesn't want the same thing to happen to us....
Irony much? I don't hate my mother of course... but yeah.
Like telling me that people pity her because I'm her daughter... she's the laughing stock of the whole extended family.
"Has anyone else seen that... THAT fancy underwear outfit? TT_TT"
"Well... yeah..."
"OH GOD LAUREN! *breaks down in tears* people TALK! Especially in the Shire! I don't want them pitying me...because my daughter goes out in the city at night and wears things like THAT! I'm just a big joke to you aren't I?! You go and joke to your friends about me and laugh about me I know it!"
"Mum! No! I don't laugh about you!"
"You tell me that but I know! I know! I would too! I thought you said you'd be a better person once you did your Bachelor of Arts course... but... I can't see that. I knew I should have made you do that science degree!"
My mum was the one who forced me into my arts degree... I wanted to do Visual Arts... but she said I'd be the better person... Gah!
So, yeah, that conversations been clearly ringing in my ears for days...
She tells me she doesn't beleive me anymore, and I it'll get better only when I go back to uni and stop seeing my friends because they've turned me into this person and made me upset.
Whatever.
Damn I don't know why it makes me so sad to the point where I'm ranting in LJ for long paragraphs at a time.
I really wish I was strong. I used to be, at least I thought I was. I've had problems with my mum and everything else for years... Why can't I handle it anymore?!
I feel so slack, worrying my friends, HEY I'm meant to be the one worrying about YOU! ^^
I just tell them. i'm dealing with it. But I don't know how to. Where do I go from here?!
Maybe I should start by getting off the computer and going on a cleaning rampage.
