(no subject)
May. 19th, 2006 | 01:14 pm
mood: 
numb
music: When Doves Cry - Quindon
Ok so today i actually went to class for the first time in a week!! Four and a half hours sleep last night which was actually good but tonight I get to sleep all night!!
Today I've eaten nothing...well except breakfast which was:
1 glass of water (almost)
1 vitamin E
1 multivitamin
1 vitamin C
1 diet pill
1 St Johns Wort.
I should be taking more of the last one but I'm too tired to be bothered. Almost finished my assignment. It's shit but oh well I've given up caring. Um yeah that's about it. My stomach is really sore today. It was fine this morning. Yeah I'm only drinking coffee and water for the rest of today, and maybe tomorrow. Or the whole weekend?? Don't know. I was so severely depressed last night that i couldn't bring myself to think about food. U know how they always say bad depression causes loss of appetite? It always made me want to eat more. :( But last night I was really bad so I didn't think about food at all. It was kinda good.
Today I've eaten nothing...well except breakfast which was:
1 glass of water (almost)
1 vitamin E
1 multivitamin
1 vitamin C
1 diet pill
1 St Johns Wort.
I should be taking more of the last one but I'm too tired to be bothered. Almost finished my assignment. It's shit but oh well I've given up caring. Um yeah that's about it. My stomach is really sore today. It was fine this morning. Yeah I'm only drinking coffee and water for the rest of today, and maybe tomorrow. Or the whole weekend?? Don't know. I was so severely depressed last night that i couldn't bring myself to think about food. U know how they always say bad depression causes loss of appetite? It always made me want to eat more. :( But last night I was really bad so I didn't think about food at all. It was kinda good.
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(no subject)
May. 18th, 2006 | 03:53 pm
mood: worried
music: Falling - alicia keys
Hi guys!!
Yeah so um I'm really stressed out right now cause I've got heaps of assignments due. blah. Oh well I don't give a shit about any of it anymore. No netball this weekend cause it's regionals. It's kinda disappointing cause I don't get the workout but oh well. Last thursday I bought a set of scales!! YAY. So I am really happy about that cause I can weigh myself now. Anyway on Saturday morning before netball I was 59.3.....oh well. I thought it would be worse.
Although I hate being stuck in this stupid rut. You know when u just hover around the same weight for like ages? Blah. But I feel heaps motivated at the moment. Today I had a cup of black coffee and a glass of water. Next week I have to go back to the doctor and then to a psychiatrist. I don't want to go but I have to. I'm really tired cause I haven't been sleeping.
Today mum took me to the residential colleges. I haven't chosen which one I want to live in yet but she thinks that I'll have no problem getting in. There were a lot of nice people there. But I want to go to Lincoln cause at St Marks they have four formal dinners a WEEK! I can't sit down and eat in front of people four times a week!! So yeah. I'm kinda worried about living there cause we have to share bathrooms and stuff. And because my parents are helping me pay for all this food that I'm not going to eat :( :(. I feel heaps guilty. I think that when I get down to my goal weight I'll let myself eat a bit more, but just to maintain. And so I don't feel so bad. Yeah so anyway.
That's about it at the moment. I really should start my assignment that's due in 25 hours huh? :(
Yeah so um I'm really stressed out right now cause I've got heaps of assignments due. blah. Oh well I don't give a shit about any of it anymore. No netball this weekend cause it's regionals. It's kinda disappointing cause I don't get the workout but oh well. Last thursday I bought a set of scales!! YAY. So I am really happy about that cause I can weigh myself now. Anyway on Saturday morning before netball I was 59.3.....oh well. I thought it would be worse.
Although I hate being stuck in this stupid rut. You know when u just hover around the same weight for like ages? Blah. But I feel heaps motivated at the moment. Today I had a cup of black coffee and a glass of water. Next week I have to go back to the doctor and then to a psychiatrist. I don't want to go but I have to. I'm really tired cause I haven't been sleeping.
Today mum took me to the residential colleges. I haven't chosen which one I want to live in yet but she thinks that I'll have no problem getting in. There were a lot of nice people there. But I want to go to Lincoln cause at St Marks they have four formal dinners a WEEK! I can't sit down and eat in front of people four times a week!! So yeah. I'm kinda worried about living there cause we have to share bathrooms and stuff. And because my parents are helping me pay for all this food that I'm not going to eat :( :(. I feel heaps guilty. I think that when I get down to my goal weight I'll let myself eat a bit more, but just to maintain. And so I don't feel so bad. Yeah so anyway.
That's about it at the moment. I really should start my assignment that's due in 25 hours huh? :(
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(no subject)
May. 2nd, 2006 | 12:24 pm
music: Black eyed peas
mood: 
distressed
So yesterday I binged AGAIN. ugh i hate myself so much and i wish I was dead. For fucks sake why can't you just lose the fucking weight.
So I didn't go to uni today either. I'm terrified, so scared of gaining weight, of leaving my room, of failing, of dying, of continually searching for the rest of my life. Something is seriously wrong.
So I'm going to the doctor but she can't see me for another week. And by then I'll probably have killed myself judging by the way I feel right now. I have to have more caffeine. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Fucking hell mia why? I had my life set up perfectly until you came along. Why am I being punished? I'm sorry, whatever I did I'm sorry.
I want my mum.
So I didn't go to uni today either. I'm terrified, so scared of gaining weight, of leaving my room, of failing, of dying, of continually searching for the rest of my life. Something is seriously wrong.
So I'm going to the doctor but she can't see me for another week. And by then I'll probably have killed myself judging by the way I feel right now. I have to have more caffeine. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Fucking hell mia why? I had my life set up perfectly until you came along. Why am I being punished? I'm sorry, whatever I did I'm sorry.
I want my mum.
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firstly
Apr. 26th, 2006 | 04:40 pm
music: California 2005 - Phantom Planet
mood: 
listless
Ok so my first entry.
Well I spent about three hours this morning throwing up cause I binged badly yesterday and really made myself sick. Then slept for the next four hours. Then cried for the next six hours. Ugh I'm feeling better now though. Didn't go to any lectures today. I just can't be fucked. I hate studying, I hate doing assignments, I hate uni. Anyway i feel very fat and today I haven't eaten anything at all. Just water and diet coke. So yeah. What's that like 3 calories. So that's my daily intake :). Starting a points competition on Saturday through Miana forum. That lasts until the 8th of May, day before I turn 19 so it would be great to get to at least one of my GW before then. Anyway
Height - 1.73m 5 foot 8
HW - 66kg / 145.2lbs
LW - 48kg / 105.6lbs
CW - 59.1kg / 130.02lbs
Current BMI 19.7 I think. I guess my long term goal weight is to break the perfect 100.
LoVe BeC
Well I spent about three hours this morning throwing up cause I binged badly yesterday and really made myself sick. Then slept for the next four hours. Then cried for the next six hours. Ugh I'm feeling better now though. Didn't go to any lectures today. I just can't be fucked. I hate studying, I hate doing assignments, I hate uni. Anyway i feel very fat and today I haven't eaten anything at all. Just water and diet coke. So yeah. What's that like 3 calories. So that's my daily intake :). Starting a points competition on Saturday through Miana forum. That lasts until the 8th of May, day before I turn 19 so it would be great to get to at least one of my GW before then. Anyway
Height - 1.73m 5 foot 8
HW - 66kg / 145.2lbs
LW - 48kg / 105.6lbs
CW - 59.1kg / 130.02lbs
Current BMI 19.7 I think. I guess my long term goal weight is to break the perfect 100.
LoVe BeC
