Poisoned Hearts

Lately i feel as though everything has changed. I dont know what, or who. I feel so out of place and alone. Or maybe its just me? I dont know anymore. Does anyone else feel like this?....

A lot of stuff fell apart on me-- as life always seems to do. I found out that my fiance had been cheating on me for two months. Had some family problems to deal with, things of that sort and just been busy with work and fixing up this place. I was going through some old papers and stuff, found some poetry. Any comments are fine, good or bad. I still like hearing them.


`` Plague of the Mind ``

I sit alone in my room,
prey for the shadows that
feast upon the flesh of the sinners,
damned for eternity where no spark dwells.
A vision of death, seeping into the veins
and mingling into the blood.
Lingering still, it demands its bidding be done.
Taunted into the very depths of Hell;
the burden of Life lifted.
The bruises still remain on shoulders
where once the weight of the world rested.
Settling into the covering darkness
to embrace this new home.
A place where nightmares roam free
and nestle into the hearts of the innocent.
Blood is life and this is living for blood;
no more words to speak.
Lost to the shadows of myself,
I sit alone in my room.

I'm new so I decided to make my intro.

I've been through emotional, physical, and sexual abuse so yeah I'm pretty messed up. I have depression and a severe anxiety disorder.

I've been dealing with depression for a while now. Too long to count. I thought I was doing ok, but lately I've been feeling so out of whack and so alone in everything I do.

I can be laughing and joking and all of a sudden I'll just shut down. My smile fades, I get quiet and I go into this dark realm where I think about all the failures I've made in my life or all of the things I've missed out on or the stuff I've been through.

My moods will switch from sad to angry to self-pity then to anger again because of the self-pity. I don't know if I'm the only one like this or what, but I do know I do not like it. At all.

Hey, everyone. I'm back!

Yeah, on 8 April (the Thursday before Easter) I made a post about overdosing on Tylenol. Well, if you want more information on what happened that night, you can go here.

And as for the results:
My friends told my mom what I had done, so they rushed me to the hospital. I spent Thursday night, all of Friday, and most of Saturday there. I couldn't keep the charcoal and other medicines down, so they had to shove a tube down my nose, through my throat, and into my stomach. Anyway, late Saturday night I was transported to Crossroads Regional Hospital in Alexandria, Louisiana. The Baton Rouge mental facility was closer, but all of their beds were full. Anyhow, I spent Easter attempting to adjust to the crazy people there (I had a chair thrown at me! o_O). I remained there until Wednesday, which is when I went home. I actually would have rathered stayed there until Friday than come back home - I don't like my father - but my mom said I really should come back. So I did. The long version is here.

Now I'm on Welbutrin. I just got back from an appointment with the social worker (who's now my therapist), and I have on with my family doctor on Wednesday. And then we'll see what happens from there.

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know I was alright.

And to apologise. . . .

My mother is taking away some of my more depressing music, which she refers to as "suicide music." She's also removing all the knives and medicine from my room, as well as my old journals. She's not getting rid of any of it, just "packing it up until [I] get better."

She also ran across my LiveJournal. Ouch. So I'm having to watch what I do on here now. Which leads me to the apology - I must leave. If she sees that I'm a member of so many SI groups and what have you, she'll flip. So I'm leaving until things cool down some. I may hold on to a couple, but I doubt it. I dunno, I just wanted to apologise for leaving.

You're all welcome to stay in contact with me via my journal or by email.

Nevertheless, I wish y'all the best of luck and hope that things will get better for you all.

Thanks for all the support and love you've shown me during my membership.

Take care,
James

i don't remember writing it. it's in my handwriting, but whatever. it was in 1 of my old poetry/lyric books.

"fucked in the head
the happy fear running through my veins
is starting to consume my reality.
the warmth in ur eyes haunts me in this cold life.
i'll never know his love, but i gave him all of mine."

obviously for some reason i didn't finish it... but it leaves me wondering whose eyes i was talking about? if i knew when i wrote it, maybe i could figure it out but i have no idea.
for the last line, i'm sure i was referring to my asshole of an x fiance brad. he basically forced me to love him and forced me to say i'd marry him, and then decided he didn't love me after all, dicking over my friends on the way. he's the only human i'd ever trusted and he dicked over my friends... no wonder i can't trust anyone
but i can't stop wondering WHOSE EYES?? i wish i wasn't insane... i need better medication...

well iv been drawing alot as of late so heres some of them and little explainations

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if any of you know of good communities to post this stuff in tell me

i replied to a post but i should introduce myslef. My name is Elle i jsut turned 20 this month. i'm borderline, have ocd, ptsd, depression, social anxiety disorder, i'm a cutter....the list continues

nice to meet all u guys. if anyone who is like me wants to chat on a messenger leave me your info :)

Hm, hope this works. Just saying hi to everyone before I turn in for a nice night of insomnia. Um.. name is Eve-- or Eveh-- obviously. Twenty. I'm pretty much a mental case. ;D Borederline and all it entails, depression, self-mutalating, low self esteem.. blah blah blah. I'll be more than willing to answer any random inquiries, if someone feels the need to get to know me better.

Hey, boredom can do funny things to people. -Shrugs.- Work tomorrow so.. have a good night all.

i hate my sister for what she is doing to my family. i know she has some very big issues and medical problems, but that cant be an excuse anymore. she has manipulated my parents for three years, whenever she starts an argument, she turns them against each other, trying to make the other one think the opposite is a bad parent. shes a major part of why they slept in different rooms the past three years, and just now theyre finally seeing what shes doing to them. she has made my mom miserable, she calls her a fucking bitch and blames her for everything, she will never take responsibility for anything, and it kills my mom, it kills my family. im tired of having her rip the family apart, i want her to get the fuck out of our house.

does anyone else have a sibling that does things like that?

other people should start posting in here...i feel so lonely...i know theres only like 6 people but thats all right

a special thanks to user greedydyke on inthegrave_icon for making this special icon for the community