Amusing Professor Quotes' Journal

andrei_armand @ 6:39pm: German/Linguistic Lols
( *snip snip*Collapse )

fieryrogue @ 12:49pm: Vive la revolution!
CLASS: The French Revolution and Napoleon

PROFESSOR: Were any of you in my History 359 class last term? Early Modern France? No? I always have a hard time convincing students to take that class.
STUDENT: Well, it doesn't have the word 'revolution' in it.
PROFESSOR: Ah, good point. Maybe I need to figure out how to get The Three Musketeers in there.

gypsyexplorer @ 2:02pm: My Contemporary World Problems professor is a bit of a crazy cynic and he's come out with a few gems so far this semester that have made me crack up.

"So when the Europeans came over to the New World, the rich guys started up these colonies and there was something about wood and trees and... I don't even know that story, I'm making this up."

"You know what they're saying now about obesity? That people are obese because they don't smoke enough. So smoking gives you lung cancer, but if you don't smoke, you're gonna be fat. I suppose you can choose which way you want to die. That kind of notion is essentially the point of this class: it's hopeless. The things we talk about in here... war... terrorism... they're all things to cheer you right up."

"Democracy sorta gives you the freedom to say fuck. The good ol' F word. I'm old enough to say that. And if they fire me? Oh well, I'm old enough to retire."

cheshirecgrin @ 11:30pm: It's the start of a new semester and I've got three quotes for you guys.

ART 218 (Metals and Jewelry-making 1)

Prof.: "Now, up here next to the phone in the room we've got all kinds of useful numbers. Campus police, hospital, emergency, fire, campus police escort service. And no, it's not that kind of escort service."

(Note: They'll escort you to your car or dorm or other destination if it's dark out and you're nervous or have a long way to go to make sure you get there safely.)

(Later on during our workshop tour she was explaining the high-tech ventilation system keeping chemical fumes out of the air. There are switches that, when flipped up, will give a bit extra suction to the ventilation system just in case the fumes start getting really bad.)

Prof.: Now occasionally, when all of these switches are flipped up the system over-taxes itself and shuts off. When that occurs, one of two things happens: this light *gesturing to a fire-alarm-like alarm light* will start flashing nice and subtly or you'll hear the most obnoxious alarm in all of existence.

ART 217: Digital Concepts

Prof: Does anyone in here really like BlackBoard? Like, you feel it's improving your life substantially?

Class: *absolutely silent*

(For those who don't know, BlackBoard is a "Virtual Learning Environment" where teachers can post links, add videos and blogs, and upload assignments and stuff like the syllabus and supplies list and students can turn in assignments and access a whole bunch of other stuff. It's pretty awful and glitchy and no one I've talked to has ever had a good story. I remember it stopped working for me once and didn't let me turn in nearly a month's worth of work for an online class so I had to drop the class.)

coldlikedeath @ 12:32am: Shakespeare and hedgehogs
 English lectures, stupidly early on a Wednesday morning. We were reading Shakespeare’s The Tempest and discussing it in relation to ecocriticism. All of us, knackered, bored, and then Kevin (lecturer, remarkably direct) comes out with:

“Prospero’s fighting a war with hedgehogs!”

Cue the lecture going “What?!” It certainly made it a little more interesting...

katkoota @ 10:11pm: Non-addictive Morphine
 Medical School Pharmacology. This guy tends to be rather sarcastic and never cracks a smile....

we were discussing morphine, codeine and other opiates.

"In the early 1900s, Bayer, the same company that makes your aspirin, advertised diacetylmorphine as the first non-addictive form of morphine. Today,  we call it heroin." 

cheshirecgrin @ 11:11am: So I just found the book I used for most of high-school and the first semester of college to record amusing quotes from my teachers. I'll post a few every now and then. Some of them I can't remember the context for, sadly.

1. My Physics class in 11th grade. All of these are from my Physics class.
Teacher: "Now, for example the classroom won't move. Well...actually it would move if I brought a backhoe and attached it to the room and pulled and then when it broke away from the school the gas lines broke and the school exploded and we all died."

2. This time he was showing us a Van De Graaff generator.
Teacher: *pulls out a piece of rabbit fur and makes it move via static electricity* "Dance, rabbit! DANCE!"

3. This time, explaining the meters we had to use.
Teacher: "Okay, so here we have *holds up voltmeter* Captain Current! And here's *holds up a multimeter* Multimeter Man! And finally, their archnemesis *holds up an ohmmeter* Resistor!"

4. He always had a way to make explanations...interesting...
Teacher: " So Cavendish had two balls on a rod..."
Class: *burst out laughing*

5. This one kind of explains itself.
Teacher: "The speed of light is the fastest speed of anything."
Classmate: "Jesus!"
Teacher: *without missing a beat* "Well, I'm sure he could go faster."

nizdolls @ 5:16pm: Alternate realities
My American professor at the university in France where I'm studying abroad this year was talking about a literary text to do with Hiroshima. He was talking about focalisation (whether the text has the viewpoint of one character, several or an omniscient narrator etc.) and explaining that the character could -know- the others were in pain by seeing it.

The uni is the university of Nancy 2 and it's tiny, and tucked away in a small, quiet part of France.

"Hmm, what are France's enemies today? Libya?"
(class laughs)
"Libya...! Are there, er, any Libyans in this class?" (looks around before continuing)
"Well I suppose I don't want to say all Libyans...
ok, so imagine Gaddafi drops a bomb on Nancy 2 and somehow you survive.." (etc.)
[Class is by this point laughing their heads off while feeling bad].

nerak_rose @ 4:21pm: I have the same prof for my Old Icelandic course as for my Modern Icelandic course. I name him Lupin. This is of no significance.

Yesterday we were working on Auðunr þáttr in Old Icelandic. In it, Audun has to meet King Harald of Norway because he's bought a bear. He goes to see the king and tells him that he's taking the bear to King Sveinn of Denmark as a gift (something that wouldn't please Harald very much).

Lupin: "Please bear in mind that Harald IS THE MOST FEARED KING OF NORWAY EVER."

Audun keeps talking and switches pronouns so that he is no longer talking politely to the king, and talks about himself as if he's of a higher standing than the king himself.

Lupin: "Clearly, Audun has a deathwish."

Same class:

Lupin: "And then there was the guy that randomly found Beowulf. Remember him? ...oh. Well that's my point! Now, to look at this [unrelated to Beowulf]..."


Today a ventilation windowthingie above the door randomly opened.

Lupin: *frowns at it* "This is unnatural. It is, however, probably very environmental friendly. Energy saving and all." *keeps frowning at it*


Approximately every class:

Lupin: *explains some complicated-yet-not part of Icelandic/Old Norse grammar* 
class: *dumbface*
Lupin: *despairs* "Does anyone here speak German?!"

six_crazy_guys @ 9:55am: Today is tuesday, so it's Financial translation day!

"Whenever I write "share" I think of Cher and I have music and flashing light go through my head." *she makes a "cuckoo" sound*

airro @ 12:58pm: Psychology Prof to a bunch of 20-something grad Master's students:  "One, two, three! Eyes on me!"
Grad student in the back of the room: "What are we, four? I think not!"
Psychology Prof stands there stunned.

six_crazy_guys @ 3:01pm: Financial translation again!
It's like drugs! That's why they're called broker-dealers. I know that. No it's not me. It's in the family...

The broker receives a sales or buying order. He's told "do this, do that". It's more complicated than that usually though.

So I told my niece about the heads-or-tails trick. Y'know, when you do it, and you're either happy or not, and you KNOW what you want to do? It took her a while to understand, but eventually she did. Then I came across my nephew, who told me: "heads or tail t decide college, SERIOUSLY?" And I had to explain it to HIM too. And it turns out it was always falling on one college, and it wasn't the one she wanted to know. And I said "But then you got your damn answer!" but she really wanted it to fall on the right one first. *heavy sigh*

There's someone who draws on the homework she hands me. I wrote "wow". I wonder if she's here today. She got a cute dog and a cute cat.

six_crazy_guys @ 9:40am: Specialized translation (this is a French-to-English translation class class):

"[about "madam"] DO NOT put a final "e", because a "madame" is a woman that runs a business, and it's probably a business you don,t want anything to do with. And no I'm NOT explaining if you don't know what I mean!"

snazzy_bagels @ 1:20am: Zoos.
From my philosophy of psychology professor:

"I once went to the zoo and witnessed a chimpanzee wiping its ass with a rabbit."

six_crazy_guys @ 11:18am: I LOVE my financial and legal translation teacher

"I see a therapist. You're all thinking 'Ah" She's got a LOT of reason to see a therapist!', uh? You ARE! I can totally hear you! Yes, I'm hearing voices in my head."

"Any other questions like that, that I won't be able to answer?"

cheshirecgrin @ 9:14am: It's been a while since I've posted anything here, but I've been logging interesting quotes from my professors in my notes all this time. Unfortunately, I have to find them first. Here's what I do have:

Art History:

*during presentation about Ancient Greek art* "And I think we've all come to the same conclusion: yes, the Greeks liked their fit, hunky dudes."

Health 101:

"Remember when we had only one type of Oreo? Now we have nine. And it's almost Halloween, so soon we'll have ten!"

*after a long diatribe against video games and shopping* "And shopaholics and video game addicts will rationalize their addictions, just like everyone else. They'll say 'At least it's not alcohol. At least it's not pot. At least it's not ecstasy. At least it's not The Facebooks.'" *she then continues on to a rant about cell phones, texting, and social networks*

six_crazy_guys @ 10:08pm: "This is 'legal language', you find your fun where you can..."

"C'mon, let's say it: one of the biggest problem with French is France."

"You are all ALMOST on the decline!"

"Looking ridiculous won't kill you. I am a living proof."

"Can we conclude Canada is Bi? I think so. If Harper heard me he would NOT be happy..."

[About David Johnston] "Poor sap. He's got FIVE daughters!"

"I know I'm repeating things, but apparently it's pedagogic, SO THERE!"

amadeo_armand @ 8:22pm: and more from history...
"wikipedia is like a public toilet...you can use it but only very carefully."

"let's go to the beaver...I love the beaver..." ((he had a picture of a beaver in the powerpoint because we were discussing the fur trade in the americas...he proceeded to lecture for a good fifteen minutes with this giant picture of a beaver behind him... it was great.))

in talking about the 'race' section of surveys:
"I never know what to bubble on those things. Hispanic...not really. I usually just mark 'other'. I refuse to do the one from Emory. They're getting pissed off at me and keep sending me emails. Almost like they're saying 'what the f--- are you?!' But I just don't want to answer."

amadeo_armand @ 7:14pm: From History...

I can't stand my history class, but the professor is pretty amusing. He's Brazilian, epic accent included, and looks like a Sim.

"How many of you have seen Conan the Barbarian? Two? What kind of education are you preople receiving?!" *proceeds to pull up a clip on youtube* "This is the height of American cinema."

"Sworn...sworn? Is that the past tense of swear?" he'll pause pretty often and ask if something is a word in english, or if he's just making stuff up.

"Yeah, Magellan. I was waiting for you guys to say it. I've never heard it pronounced in English."

"No, you won't get extra credit but you need to watch that movie. It will make you a better person."

(in talking about the Middle Ages)
Prof: ...they used to have some pretty messed up views, like they would brush their teeth with urine (pronounces it yoo-REEN)
*class laughs* What? I know that seems weird to us today, but at the time...
Classmate: no I'm pretty sure we're laughing at you for saying 'yoo-reen'.
Prof: yeah. Yooreen.
Classmate: It's 'urine'.
Prof: what? your-in?
Classmate: urine.
Prof: gah! they brushed their teeth with piss!

and my recurring favourite: I'm translating directly from Portuguese.

amadeo_armand @ 3:14pm: Hiya. I'm a language double major so all of my quotes are from my foreign language classes.

From French:
--"I have to tell you a story!! There's a Russian student in my other class...this has never happened before..."
--"I've never had so many hard to pronounce names. I'm just going to make some up for them." (In talking about her other class. She then proceded to thank us all for having easy-to-pronounce names.)
--"I'm in a martial arts class, so don't worry when I come into class with bruises...I came into class with a black eye once..."
--"The site you should go to for all your homework assignments is...not there. Heh. Ever get the feeling you should just go back to sleep in the mornings?"

From German:
Dr. K: What other sorts of questions can we ask? Armand, give us a question.
Me: ...Warum mich?! (Why me?!)  *facedesk*
Dr. K: Well that certainly is something you can ask, but no.

(Our class was walking to the FLRC, the computer lab for foreign language majors, and a guy got caught holding the door open)
Me: Thanks, random dude!
Dr. K: Random dude is the English department chair...
Me: -_- ... O.O;; ...SWEET! (made all the more amusing as my second major is English (FL majors have to take a secondary FL, thus the French).)

(Talking about the ess-tset, that weird looking B thing)
Dr. K: Most Germans have a love-hate relationship with that letter. I do at least.

embarassedlight @ 7:17pm: My western humanities professor is pretty hilarious.
Here are a few selected moments of amazingness.

-"This chapter is all about the Ninja Turtles! That's right kids, Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael, and Leonardo."

-"The Catholic church at this time was full of hypocracy. They liked to make fun of hippos!"

-"Here on page 62 is St. Paul's Cathedral, named after Paul McCartney"


I'm actually kind of sad the term is almost over. XD

messycarla @ 2:46am: Some more quotes.
SOCIAL MEDIA LECTURER: Is Facebook really telling us about everyone?:
POLITICAL VIEWS: "Don't have any".
RELIGIOUS VIEWS: "Fuck You!"

STUDENT: It smells in here.
FILM STUDIES LECTURER: *sniffs* I think it's rapeseed.
STUDENT: Mmmm smells like rape.
FILM STUDIES LECTURER: You're vile.

(Mimes walking down the high street)
SOCIAL MEDIA LECTURER: *shakes fist* DAMN YOU EVIL CAPITALIST BASTARDS!...Ooh, nice shoes!

(Lecturer has two students acting out their children's radio drama set in a farmyard)
STUDENT: (On all fours pretending to be a pig) God this floor is killing my knees.
RADIO DRAMA LECTURER: (Who is openly gay and VERY flamboyant) Ooh, is it hard yet?

RADIO DRAMA LECTURER: You'll hear me use a lot of words like "velocity" and "vindictive", I must like words that begin with 'V' *coy* MOST, anyway.

SOCIAL MEDIA LECTURER: 'Avatar' was fucking awful - it's 'Dancing With Wolves' with blue people.

SOCIAL MEDIA LECTURER: 'Baywatch' is America's most exported show. YES WORLD, THIS IS AMERICA! BEACHES! BABES! BOUNCING!

SOCIAL MEDIA LECTURER: (to me) I don't think you can be in this class. Last.FM says we're not compatable.

CULTURAL STUDIES LECTURER: You call me on the phone, you hear I'm Scottish. You think, "oh, he's going to be white, in a kilt, with lots of red hair", when I am in fact - as Stevie Wonder sang - "dark n' lovely".

(Discussing my friend's radio commericial for condoms)
COMMERICIAL PRODUCTION LECTURER: It's like you can't go into battle without your helmet on...

(A rather posh all-girls school was visiting and he was talking about stereotyping)
CULTURAL STUDIES LECTURER: Anyone could go up to YOU! *POINTS* YES YOU! And say "YOU'RE A THICK BLONDE BITCH!!"
GIRL IN FRONT: *whimpers*

RADIO PRODUCTION LECTURER: In Radio Drama actors don't get so embarassed you don't really have to kiss, just do this *pecks hand*. Oh no, now you're all thinking "what a rotten kisser!"

PSYCHOLOGY LECTURER: We're trying to defy the 'no smoking on campus' rule, but I'm not very good at hiding cause I'm a fat lass. You can see me poking out from either side of the tree.

(Previously posted here with mostly the same lecturers!)


And for good measure, a few classics from high school:

PHYSICS TEACHER: UV lights are used to make stuff stand out, like tassels in strip clubs.

HISTORY TEACHER: I've had to find a sixth-form 'buddy' for a first-year boy. He threw a chair at David the other day because David stopped speaking to him. David is his imaginary friend.

STUDENT: SIR! He stole my pencil!
ENGLISH TEACHER: Can the boys at the back stop playing 'Hide The Pencil.' Sorry, that sounds rude!

ENGLISH TEACHER: Please don't go into the exam and write "I don't like The Merchant Of Venice. I think it is gay."

(From band rehersal for one of the Christmas concerts and a student keeps screwing up his solo)
MUSIC TEACHER: If you do that on the night, everyone'll notice because everyone knows the tune to 'Frosty The Snowman.' Except you, apparently.

agentsara @ 7:35pm: Trig = Win
In my Trig class, we often do problems out loud. When a girl almost got a problem right, but not quite, my Trig teacher had this to say:

"She...she's like the Donner Party! She sacrifices herself so that the rest of us can go over the pass! Y'know, like they had covered wagons and, and...aw, shit, we have cars and we still get stuck!"

After a rather morbid discussion on cannibalism, she finished with:

"A little bit of onions, some tomatoes, and they'd taste fine!"

six_crazy_guys @ 10:21am: Medicopharmacological translation:

(about the Framingham Heart Study) "Maybe if Big Macs had been outlawed in 1950 teh results would have been different."

relevancedenied @ 3:31am: astronomy professor
(on the first day of class)
"my name and titles are (writing it out on the board) doctor professor guy mccan. first off, don't call me doctor. save that for the people that stitch you up. and don't call me mccan- that's my father's name and he was a drunken irish bastard. don't call me guy, because it's a stupid name. seriously, guy? would you name your daughter girl? so that leaves you with professor. stick to that."

(talking to a girl that had taken a few of his other classes)
girl: oh! tell them about the thing i told you about!
prof: what the hell are you talking about?
girl: the nostradamus/2012 thing that's going to be on the history channel.
prof: oh. everyone, there's going to be a special on the history channel about nostradamus. it's going to be stupid though, so don't watch it.

(same girl. the prof had just finished explaining the next few billion years of our sun's life)
girl: but, wait. what's going to happen to our solar system?
prof: i just told you. the sun's going to expand and engulf it.
girl: but what will happen to us?
prof: we'll be long dead. earth will be swallowed up by the sun. when it expands. like i just said.
girl: but i mean... what's going to take the sun's place?
prof: take the sun's place? it's not going to move, it's going to- jesus, why are you even in this class?