Follower of Hate, Slave of Hope's Journal
Friday, August 1, 2003
8:59PM - Um....Been A While.
So yeah....this isn't a post I just wanted to write stupid little things like I love my baby Rob. Um...in 15 days we celebrate our 6th month anniversary and things are going well. I just had to let everyone know. ::wink::
lovedSaturday, April 12, 2003
3:16AM - Death Becomes Me.
Tis a sad day. 
sammers19 has died. He no longer is alive. He has moved on from this place of words and bitter memories. He has been around too long. He reminds himself and others of things best left forgotten. I can't bring myself to delete this journal, but it will not be updated. Thanks to everyone who was ever here/there for me. I love you all.
goodFriday, April 11, 2003
Wednesday, April 9, 2003
11:27PM - Some people never cease to amaze me....
Really so. How some people can be so bitter and jealous that they have just have to continue to instigate people against one another. It's really amusing; really. I mean how out of their way people will go to try to aggrandize themselves or make themselves feel justified. What gets me off even more so? Is the fact that people love doing this in my name makes it that....much....more....sweeter. It's great being me and knowing my opinion of my surroundings and the people therein matter so much to each one of them. I've never felt more acknowledged or recognized. So to all of you who love reading this so you think you have ammo? You're just making my play time all the more interesting. Thanks.
Hey even I can preach a bit of honesty about myself every now and again.
satisfied7:05PM - Important note.
I can't believe I've been forgetting to post this.
Will....that one that used to be here....is now gone. YAY!!! So now, things are going smoothly. I've never met anyone who was so bitter and loved being it. Anyway Jenny called and apologized to me, I , I'll be here friend still, I'm Sam, but I won't trust her to any extinct. Will on the otherhand I never trusted....with good reason. After all his subtle accusations and backbiting I'm glad he's gone; as is everyone else. It's really sad when you get yourself in the situation to where no one wants to be around you. I will say one good thing about him though.....because of him, I learned to look at myself in the mirror and smile. I hear that saying of "It could always be worse...." and then you see certain people who remind you daily that that's true.
Thank God I'm me.
pleased4:23PM
Yes yes...he's mine.....all mine.....bwahahaha. More of these to come very soon.......um....yeah I love him like that.
Who's his baby? That's right....I'm his baby....go me!
lovedFriday, April 4, 2003
happyThursday, April 3, 2003
1:59PM - God Damn Me....
Ok I talk to Rob...and I say I can only ride with him if I'm drunk when I get in the van.....and he's like "Why do you have to be drunk to ride with me?" " it'd make things easier on me." "Oh....I do get paid tomorrow...." This was last night so I'm thinking we're both going to get drunk...and at the least make out....but these are just the wishful thinkings of a 20 year old boy.
Great....my cramps just started....time for a pill.
Stop thinking about this so hard Samuel.....stop stop stop stop.
scared5:21AM - God damn.....
Even my horoscope called me a bitch....sheesh.
LEO
Thursday, April 3, 2003
If you are the force to be reckoned with that some people are so leery of, today will be the day they are sorry they tangled with you.
4:38AM - Today.....
Today was an awesome day overall. I got to spend time with Toni which always rawks my socks....got to run around, look at clothes, etc. Left Sammers in a very very good mood.
Later that day....
Rob calls....to inform me that he's going to still call me baby...etc. Yeah ok. So we're talking and the conversation is going great....he has me laughing and feeling good.....the fucker. I hate him.
I love him.
So yep, he's really bored.....and he wants me to come to work with him tomorrow.....but I'm supposed to go out....but I want to be with him.....but I really want to go out. I think I'm doing good. I haven't called him....emailed....messaged.....anything.
So we're talking and he's gonna come see me.....joy. I'm looking sexy from earlier so it's all good. We're still on the phone and talking about music and he asked me to make him a CD, he'd give me the CD's if I could just download and burn for him....I ask how he's going to pay me and he asked what did I want.....so I shocked the fuck out of him by saying, "I'm a physical person when I want to be....you think of something and surprise me."......I know....I'm rather still shocked at myself too. He was like, "Um.....Sam?? Uh....are you serious?" "What if I were?" "Like a friends with benefits type thing?" "No....hell no.....you sleeping around with everyone I wouldn't be able to touch you." "Uh if I were it'd only be with you and thank you very much I don't even need that! If I want sex I handle it very well."
I laugh and drop it.
He comes by.....we laugh.....talk.....he asks again if I'm going to go with him tomorrow.....I say most likely. Sometimes I hate myself.
So we're hugging.....and I back away and tell him to come here.....he leans over and I give him a kiss on his cheek. He smiles real big and I get out of the van and come back inside....smiling like an idiot.
I've come to notice something.
If you don't treat others' problems bigger than your own.....you're a bitch.
If you do not cry with people......you're a bitch.
If you voice your own problems with theirs.....you're a bitch.
If you don't smile constantly....you're a bitch.
If people's efforts don't make you happy.....you're a bitch.
If you don't look a certain way....you're a bitch.
If you're not some plain jane wallflower....you're a bitch.
If you have self-confidence.....you're a bitch.
If you have a fucking voice that is yours.....you're a bitch.
I've had so many different people give me so many different reasons of what's wrong with me in their eyes.
But if you don't say how good they are....you're a bitch.
I'm perfect in being me.....no one else can pull me off like I can. If that means every miniscule thing I do makes me a bitch; suck my cock and die motherfuckers because quite frankly I don't give a damn about people's dramas, bullshit, efforts or crappy ass attitudes. I'm still trying to fine-tune my own so all I can say to anyone is "Forgive me for not going into your bomb shelter with you." Trust me, the world will go on, move on, keep spinning and not give a damn about everyone elses problems first. So likewise in that regard I worry about my shit first and they can just go ahead and call me Mother Earth and kiss my ass. I will move on, I will keep turning and I'll find the time maybe to worry about their apocalypse's after I get past my own battles. God damn....
Oops, I guess anyone who may read this (whomever does) will think "Poor him." or "What a bitch." My question is....for all those who go "Awwww." and all those who go "Biiiitch." am I really supposed to give a damn either way? No, I should think not. Sometimes I literally wish I could take peoples self-induced opinions and such and shove them up their own ass for them, just to see how their own words affect them. Talk about your not-so-normal twist on 'I am rubber. You are glue.' Everytime they look at me and go "Bitch." all I can say is "Bitch fuck you."
This has been you're Not-So-Caring Bitch rant for the night.
bitchyWednesday, April 2, 2003
12:29AM - I AM FUCKED IN MY HEAD!!!!
Ok the phone rings.....I pick it up....it's Rob....and he's being really friendly and shit.
I haven't talked to him at all since he came over and told me why he broke up with me. So he calls like nothing has happened "babys" and shit like that are being said. He makes me laugh....and smile....and puts me back on Cloud fuckin Nine.
We're talking...and stuff....and it's just like our old phone conversations....why is he calling me? Why can't he leave me alone? Why? Because I don't fucking want him to.
He is flirting and working me over really well. I don't know why. He apparently has to go to AMC's as part of his probation. So like we're talking and he's talking about him giving up rights to me and shit....and was talking about kicking peoples ass's for me and shit like that.....WHY?! YOU'RE NOT MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND!?
But I want you to be.
So we're talking and I say "I've kind of made the decision to not come over there.... I just don't think it'd be a good idea." "Why?" "I don't know...it'd just be weird." "No it wouldn't...I mean....if you don't want to I guess you don't want to. Do you not like for me to come see you?" "I don't know....it's weird.....I .....it's like....I want you to come see me." "I won't come see you anymore." "No! That's not what I said." "What did you say then?" "See? Shit. I want you to come see me and stuff....that's the problem. I don't think that's healthy for me." "Oh...." "You can show me your new pipe Thursday night...." and with that I changed the subject.....I told him about how Casey is gonna sneak me shots of Orgasm and get me drunk.....he didn't really like this idea of a someone doing this.....i.e. a guy buying me drinks. WHY ARE YOU JEALOUS?!?! YOU'RE NOT MY BOYFRIEND!?
But I want you to be.
Anyway Rain was home so he said he'd call me back later.....I think they're going to break in his new pipe....that I helped pick out....on the phone....God I'm so fucked up....in the head.....Where's booze when you need it?
confusedTuesday, April 1, 2003
4:52PM - Ok....go.
Well ok after yesterdays events with Rob (and me being Sam) I've given the "ok go" to guys. Everyone knows how I am....I always have to have somebody if not a very string interest. So these two guys have been waiting, and I'm like "Ok yeah I'm single again so yunno....you can call if you want." So I've been talking to William and Brandon a lot (especially Brandon) and things seem to be going well. Though I think I can go even slower than I did with Rob with these.
Unlike Rob, these two are completely out.
The only draw back with either of them is that I'd only get to see them when they're off work and on the weekends. Which wouldn't be so bad.....at first.
I really should stop talking like I'm going to see both of them.
I like Brandon, he's a great guy, really cute and sweet and he smokes weed....but hell apparently who doesn't? At least he's not lying about it or a pillhead or anything. Plus he drives a BIG truck.
Another good thing? I don't like compromising myself. So....they both have seen EVERY pic of me and still think I'm great....even sexy.....yeah they actually used the words "sexy" and "hot"....bout damned time someone did use something beside "cute" and "adorable". Ugh. So yeah.....blah.
I took a couple of new pics....some people are so productive when they get bored.....me? No I get into stupid shit but take really cool pics. Call me crazy but I have fallen in love for some only god knows reason with this pic. I ....makes me feel all animalistic and stuff. Here's that pic....
Ain't that the most wicked cool shit? ::creams:: It's going in my Special Pics folder.
::drum roll::
The second pic? Is one of me.....I have NO make up on.....I have been dancing and acting a fool ALL night.....and it's not even "touched up".....at all....but you know what? Fuck it. It's me.....DEATH TO BLURS!!!
Oh yeah.....here's what William looks like:
And heres Brandon......::giggle::....
predatoryMonday, March 31, 2003
11:11PM - A friend has vanished....
I am sad. I was checking my list to see if anyone had added me and whatnot and I seen maryprankster had a line through her.....um....where did she go? Does anyone know?
sad4:44PM - Ok....
Ok so the phone rings and I answer on the first ring. "Hey come outside for a second." I about shit my pants and feign ignorance. "Who is this?" "You know who....come outside." So I throw on some clothes and go outside and walk up to the driver side. "Jump in for a second." So I walk around and get in....and yeah we chitchat and get the "How are you doing?"'s out of the way and he said that his allergies were raping him today....which was bullshit. Grrr.....so yeah he told me why he did it.
MAIN Reason:
His mom was bugging the shit out of him about it and he didn't want to lie to her and get shit started there....that is his momma. Plus his son is thrown in the middle of it so yeah this one I can understand.
SECONDARY Reason:
He can't be with anyone right now. He needs to get his life in order. He doesn't have time for his son much less a boyfriend. So right before I go to leave I say "Yeah you know if you ever want a boyfriend you'd come crawling back to me." and he said nothing egotistical for once or sarcastic or funny. He looked at me, smiled really big and said "Maaaaybe." and kept smiling. "Take your pretty ass on in there so I can go to work." "Be good perv." "You too prude." and I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. I don't think he was expecting this.....hell I wasn't expecting that. I get out and walk toward the apartment, he honks the horn at me, I turn, he's smiling, I turn around and walk away from him.
Only to run inside, snatch the phone and call my momma....who hates everything with a penis right now with me. I love my mom.
I miss Toni.
6:02AM - Tonight....
Well....tonight was a rollercoaster. I can't stop thinking about Jeremy.....I can't stop thinking about Rob.....god someone shoot me.
We all went to the club, my posse and some new friends I made from the other night at jitterbugz and omg did I have such a good time. I don't think I've ever had that much fun there. I will say this....call me superficial.....but I love being really blonde. I finally have some white going on and god damn I look hot. Call me egotistical and I'll tell you to kiss my ass. I look good and I'm happy with how I look.....so I got a right to tell anyone to fuck off if they don't like me or how I am I do.
I walked into the bathroom because everyone had taken turns dancing with me....and groping me up.....and pulling my hair.....and yeah I was kind of hot and steamy and had to make sure my hair wasn't messed up too bad.....I go and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
::gasp::
curvy yes, but I'm the bleach blonde slut that Jeremy always wanted.....it's funny isn't it? How even when I'm not with him I'm still trying to be what he wants to an extent? I hope I never have another long term relationship again. They're really bad when they don't work out.
So yeah tonight was a blast like....guys were buying me drinks.....and sneaking me drinks....and I danced my ass off.....and I got numbers.....and even gave mine out to a couple of them.....and got to dance with someone I've wanted to dance with for a year and a half now. ::big grin::
GO FUCKING ME!!!!
I also learned how to do that really redneck dance where all you do is go really fast and you're like flung out there, then jerked back in, and you spin constantly....and yeah Sammers got DRUG out on the dance floor and Gabe dancingly raped me. I was so scared. He was like "Baby just go with it I ain't gonna let you hurt yourself." After the first few seconds I was spinning away and into him like I knew what I was doing! It was soooo much fun! I ......what is up with me and guys who have muscles or something? I .....I guess they make me feel all cute and shit. Gabe picked me up and I was on cloud 9.....yeah I know, I'm sick. Let someone else try weighing 357 lbs at 5'8 and no one wanting to touch you much less be able to pick you up.
This really straight guy who looked like Jesus danced with me and tried kissing me and said I was the hottest guy he'd ever seen.....I think it was just because my nails matched his guitar....oh well.
So yeah much fun was had....I was buzzing and socializing and dancing and felt good. Except for the small drama that always finds a way into my nights, it was perfect.
JohnJohn went!!!! Yay!!!! He and Michael went which made things a LOT more cool....except that he was kind of aloof because Michael was there and he didn't want to get any wrong signals sent.
At one point I had six guys playing with my chest at the same time.....god I'm such a weirdo. I was just being retarded from the buzz but then my nipples got hard and everyone laughed.....good times yo.
In some kind of sick fucked up way I wished Jeremy had been there.....I don't know....I know we can't be together....but I just want to hold him and kiss him. I think I was in Longview too long. That damned city.
It balances out though because as soon as we got 10 miles from Nac all I could think about was Rob.....
Sammers is a very fucked up lil thing.
Weird.
I have lip prints all over my shirt.....from various people.....2 really hot girls and 2 really hot guys.....
This is gonna sound stupid.....but like....you always see the REALLY fine straight boys that come with their girlfriends and sometimes dance with guys that are really cute as well for fun or whatever. Well, tonight I had TWO of them motherfuckers running their hands all over my body and ass dancing with me.....girls just giggling.....stupid maybe but it made me feel good.
Tonight was a good night....except for those damned thoughts of Jeremy and Rob.
Note to self: After 1 o'clock do not dance with a guy.....their really drunk by then and if you dance with them it's an automated invite for a kiss.....um no. Two were FINE the other reasonably cute. Jesus tonight was fun.
At one point I was a bitch....I was flirting and stuff just to prove that I could "have them" if I wanted them. I'm such a sick individual.
Did you mention your hair yet? I . Not only am I blonde....but I'm so blonde I have white streaks going on.....I like it.....and everyone else does too. Which is cool. But when I'm wearing make up and stuff? I .....I look like a crackwhore by the time the night is over with. Minimum make up is not an option....it's full blown or nothing at all. Sheesh....tonight was wow.
Note to Self: Self....never bend over and talk to someone with your ass facing a table full of people into gay guys. You get whistles and weird stares and the erotic nature. ::thanks guys::
Tonight kicked ass. I'm ok.....I think. I I'm still broken it's weird I'm not crying over boys or nothing.....very strange.....I feel ok and not "in need" of attention. Who knows, maybe even I'm capable of growing up. In any event I see fucking daylight already so I'm going to go get my ass in bed.
cheerfulSunday, March 30, 2003
3:07AM - NOTICE
It's amazing the things we overlook.....
I've noticed something about myself.....on my right wrist I wear a neon yellow tightnoosed bracelet.
In my room....in my bed......I had put it on as Rob was kissing my arm.....the night we went all the way.
.............I have yet to take it off.
nostalgic2:59AM - Hmmm.....ok
So yeah today was Saturday and I've stayed away from livejournal from posting since Thursday night.....go Sam.
I had my hair highlighted again.....it made it icky and yellow.....so I bought some ash to put over it....which made it white....which makes for a very happy Sammers.
Went shopping with Will so he can be all trendy.
Spent the day out.
Called Rob.....yeah yeah sue me....conversation was weird. I said I was just calling to make sure he's all right....and he like is all hoarse and stuff. he said he's done nothing but stay on the couch....I don't know why he's so distraught and upset.....it was mainly his choice. He sounded like he's done nothing but cried and smoked weed for the past 2 days. He didn't even go to work. I . So anyway I said I had to go and he said he'd talk to me later. Who knows. I'm stupid enough to know that if he doesn't call me I'll call him again.
I'll keep calling. That's just me. One day he'll realize he's not who he wants to be and I'm basically all he has and things will be perfect again.....yep....yessir....wait and see.
::tightens restraints on the jacket::
God.....I miss him so much......I love him so much......so why the fuck am I not mad? Constantly crying? It's like.....ok whatever I know I'll be ok and I'll have him again.....I don't really feel like I've lost him......is it just me? He called me baby and stuff on the phone......talk about mixed signals. Oh well, I'm Sam, I'll survive. With him or without him. But one thing is for sure.....he's proved he's just like everyone else in the long run. He may not want to be with me.....but he won't be able to stand not having me. At this moment in time, for once, I don't give a damn.......I wish he had me.....I wish he was here right now kissing me.....holding me.....making me feel put together and perfect.
I'm a psynipulative narcissistic freak-show of a human boy. I can't stop thinking about him.....and that's fine if he's not ready to be with me (i.e. gay) but why do I feel so "ok" with this? I mean I know I'm only ok with it now because he has yet to be with someone else. But what will be like with all his profiles are changed (they have yet to be btw) and he's seeing someone that isn't me? I know I can have him....hold him....love him....him love me.....and everything be completely ok.....but us not be "together." I can't do that....I can't be what he wants, but not what he's with because of everyone elses opinions and judgments. I feel like an ass for calling him....but I had to hear his voice. god I sound like a fucked up old movie.
Someone come kick my ass for being so retarded......but what makes it retarded? And why is my brain saying I need my ass kicked but my heart still singing at the thoughts of him?
Deep in my heart of hearts do I know that that wasn't him? That that wasn't him saying those words to me, but everyone elses words shoved in his mouth? It wasn't like him....at all....didn't even sound like him.....even Rain said so. I just wish I knew what is going on in his head and why he did what he did.
I will know........yes, I will.
confusedFriday, March 28, 2003
2:44PM
You are a siren.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
You are a phoenix.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
You are a werewolf.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
Thursday, March 27, 2003
1:21PM - O....M....G
I just had a guy say the most degrading thing to me:
"Do you wash yourself in Windex?"
"Um....excuse me???"
"Dude I can so see myself in your pants."
"Dear god are you being serious?"
"Yeah."
"That's really sad man.....go breathe some Comet fumes."
3:02AM - I LOVE JENNERS!!!!
Jenners is my own special version of Anthrax!!! I love her!!! Yesh yesh.......
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