Typically I hate the mall becuase of the comments I get for being over weight whether it's from random people or the people that work at the stores.  I decided to take some anxiety medication I was given to only take when put in situations that can cause a panic attack. I've never had one at the mall but decided to take one instead having a horrible time and ruining everyone else's time.

It was pretty awesome. I didn't care that I got called fat and had fun for the first time ever. My crazy and physco physiatrist doesn't want me to take them so I stopped but they really help. I swear if I wasn't a minor and had other options I'd go somewhere else. All this man does is tell that what I'm feeling is retarded and it's mind over matter.

Gah! Like Holy shit dude. I know that what I think is messed up but knowing and believing are two different things. Blah. Anyway I don't know what I'm gonna do. That medication works but I know he'll never give me a refill.

My insomnia isn't any better either and once again since I'm a minor no one is willing to help me. I was told to go to this doctor that specializes in sleep disorders (even though I don't have one) but they don't see anyone that's under 16. So I have to go to another one but I can't get in until the end of Jan. Which is killing me. I haven't had a full 8 hours of sleep for months. Plus I turn 16 in less than 2 months. I'll go to see the chick once then be told I'm to old nad have to get a different doctor and medication.




Damn it.

hmm. i'm just venting/rambling/getting stuff off my chest in preparation for 2010. no one has to read/comment...just need to get it out.

( outta my systemCollapse )

last year, me and this girl were super-close. we hung out in each other's dorm rooms, etc and i was going thru a rough time, and she really helped me. i helped her too, so we went thru crappy times together.

but it's like, now the only way we talk is on the phone because we live in different places. and it gets really awkward. and neither of us really have much to say, even though i luv her. it's just so weird because it's different in person. plus, talking to her reminds me of that sucky time 6 months ago. this just frustrates me.

( pardon my frenchCollapse )

i'm really just venting. i'm slightly annoyed with myself.

I'm slowly getting more and more annoyed with my family and how they haddle my S.A.D. They can't seem to understand that I'm not willing to go out in public if my har and makeup aren't done. It may sounds shallow but if i don't have my hair and face done I feel like a fat, ugly cow. I've tried to explain it to them and they either don't care, don't undersand, or both.


:/


Happy Holidays.

does anyone have any books that have helped them or enlightened them on their anxiety/ocd/depression/mental health journey that they'd like to share?

( some books for you.Collapse )

so, how's everybody doing this holiday season? :)

does anyone meditate? i've tried but a lot of the time, i'm not in the mode to do it.

what about "mindfulness"? (the ability to live in the moment, with full appreciation of the moment & all that it offers is called mindfulness. Mindfulness is a state of being fully present with yourself. This may sound strange, how can you not be with yourself ? Our thoughts and connections with events that do not belong to the present have the powerful ability to remove you from reality. Living in the moment allows you to achieve more, you are able to focus fully on what is required of you in this moment whether it is the simple task of walking or a more complex task. Living in the moment allows you to move forward purposefully when you need to because you are no-longer held back by the past or living in fear of the future. Source.)

last week, i had a glorious time. i just decided to live in the moment, not think about my past and not freak out about my future and i felt confident, good, self-sufficient, at peace. then i got triggered by something tragic i read, and it all slowly led me back to anxietyville. i really need to monitor what i watch/read because if i don't, even if i don't realize it, i absorb it and it becomes a problem. but i'm not giving up, and i'm gonna try and do my little "live in the moment" thing again.

anyway, it's something that helped me and i just wanted to share in the hopes that it could benefit someone else.

I'm not sleeping at all.
2 weeks without sleep = mental break down.

Could this have anything to do with my S.A.D.?
Or am I jsut crazier than I thought??

I always have trouble when it comes to shopping with my friends and it's not because It's over crowded or too many people and it's not that I just hate shopping. (I actually love it, like most women.) I just find that my anxiety spikes up because the chances of someone calling me fat or pointing out my weight is increased.

What I really hate is walking into the "skinny" stores (if that's what you wanna call them) and getting dirty looks from the workers they almost saying "What the fuck are you doing here? You can't fit your fat ass into anything." It makes me hate the mall but at the same time I want to hang with my friends and be a little "normal."

I also find it some what funny that I walk into the non plus size stores and get dirty looks. However, me and my friends can walk into Torrid (only plus size store in my mall) and my friends get treated like valued customer even though none of them can fit into the store and it's not just at the mall where I live. I've seen it happen at other malls.

Weird or did I totally lose you?

Anyway,
Mall + me = Panic