wow it has been 5 months since the last time i have had a cutting spree. i had just got a new sposor in NA and we worked the first two steps. we did it two wednesdays in a row and both times i cut. she had told me that she didnt think that she could be my sponsor any more because of the cutting. i freaked out and did the only thing that came to my head and that was to promise that i would never cut again. i was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago and even forgot about my promise and want to cut but didnt. i was so proud of myself.
   have you ever made a promise only to save your ass and thought that in a couple of weeks that person woudnt remember that promise at all and you could resume to your old ways again? thats what i thought that would happened and knwo its been 5 months. i knew thats no a lot of time but it has helped and it kinds of feels good to know that i am a woman of my word. know dont get me wromg there are times i feel so dame bad and thats the only thing that feels good. thats the only thing that makes everything seem okay but i dont want to break my promise/ it takes what it takes.
    i now that most of us cut becasue it feels like we are in control and sometimes we are in so much pain thats the only way we can reliev our pain and make it go away. all i can say is that bcacuse of my sponsor  and my wellingness to keep my word i have not cut and i suggest that you find some way to give up cutting its not worth the pain we cause in other and ourselves. when i was cutting i would always tell my love ones i cant get enough scars and i cant stop cutting. i just want to cut. but like i said when i see the pain i my sposors eyes because of me cutting it was painful to see and i didnt want to hurt those in my live any more. so thats why i say it takes what it takes. 
     

its been almsot 5 months since the last time i cut. only becasue i promise my sponsor that i wouldnt cut any more. only becasue she was working the na steps with me and we did it like two wednesday in a row and both times i cut, she had said that she didnt think she could continue working with me because of my cutting. so then i promise me her that i would never cut again. i knew that i would keep my prpomise but only for a short time. now its been 5 monthsand i feel good. i was hospitalized a couple fo weeks ago because i was hearing voices really badly. i was on the medication clozaril and it was not working at all and the voices were so strong and i couldnt take it any more. anyways My sposor had thought i cut and i didnt so she was kind of proud of me,and i was proud of me to because in the hospital i really wanted to cut and i didnt. i had forgot taht about my promies but i still didnt cut.
  has anyone ever made a promsie and actually stuck to it no matter what happened? it shock me that i could actually keep my word. taht means that my word has great value to it and i know it really hasnt been that long for me since my last cutting spring,but its a little bit fo time and i just hope that what were i am presented with a situation i dont have to cut and can keep my promise. i think my sponsor for making me promise becasue it has helped me.

I really don't now what to do becasue i really want my therapiest to read my journal so that he can help me process whta gose on in my head about always wanting to kill but i am kind of scared because what if he lockes me up because of the way i think. but like i said the only reason for me wanting to show it to him is so he can help me with my thought pattern and understand why i think this way becasue it is not normal for  someone to think the way i think. and i cant risk the change of getting locked up because then i would lose my apartment and girlfriend and my dogs and cat and most of all my freedom and its just not worth all that u know. but these voices inside my head man do they fuck with me and they commanded me to do shit that i would of never thought of . like its not normal to think this way and i been taking my meds so thats been helping. i think that they are really fucked up right now is beasue of my sister she is having a hard time with her husban and i do like the guy at all he makes me want to kill him so he'll leave my sister alone and she can get on with her life. she was staying with me for a couple of days but she really didnt liek my house becasue there was no food and little room so she want back and he still got  loaded and now she dosent now what to do. we are all thinking about moving in together. me my girfirend., my sister and her two kids and i think it will be good at lease i hope so. any wasys if anyone could help me figure out what should i do with my journal and should i let my therapiset read it or not let me now