It's been a long time since my last post.

I put most of my feelings on Facebook or Instagram now.

But I realized, what if I have feelings that I can't share in such a public forum? What if I have feelings of anger and frustration and sadness and disappointment?

Do you know that I have an image that I have to keep up? Oh, Anastasia, she's always so happy, so optimistic, a smiling face.

And what if that is just a facade? What if I'm really overwhelmed and lonely and frustrated and sad? What if I'm sad?

And I can't put that on Facebook. Can't have real feelings on Facebook. And do you know why? Because everyone will tell you, "It's ok!" "I'm here for you!" "You'll get through this!" "You're strong!" and I don't feel it. I don't feel my fake smile. I don't feel strong.

I feel beaten down. I feel left out. I feel betrayed. That's what I feel. Underappreciated. Misled. Overlooked. Angry at people who have nothing to do with why I'm angry.

I've worked so hard. I got my master's while full-time teaching & full-time single mothering. I am in line to get my teaching license. I did student teaching, while full-time teaching & full-time mothering. Is that being strong? Is that treading water with my lips barely above the sea?

The staffing updates went out to the parents, students, and the greater community today. Mine says, "Anastasia T., Long Term Substitute for Maeve S., will also be leaving us this year. Anastasia has done a phenomenal job of filling in for the year."

But you know what it doesn't say?
It doesn't say, We didn't offer her a job.
It doesn't say, We picked three resident teachers for full-time work, two of which this was their FIRST YEAR TEACHING.
It doesn't say, That she asked to stay.
It doesn't say, We chose them OVER her and then proceeded to tell her she needs MORE EXPERIENCE even though she's been teaching for over TEN YEARS.
It doesn't say, She finished a program and earned her teaching license at the same time as they did.
It doesn't say, How heartbroken she is.
It doesn't say, They told her they weren't hiring her because she didn't have math/science, but then hired a resident teacher who does not have math/science.
It doesn't say, She gave everything she had for this job, even though she was JUST a long-term substitute.
It doesn't say, She was here after hours, so many nights, putting in work for her students.
It doesn't say, She has no job and no offers and no idea what is happening next year.

It's absolute bullshit. And that's what I can't say on Facebook. I cannot say how hurt and sad and angry and sick to my stomach that I am.

Because, despite it all, I still really, really care about this school.

Kaelynn is completely active now. She is a crawling machine. The problem with this is, now someone needs to literally be watching her every second. We watch her, but when she played on the floor before, she didn't go to far, so you could walk away and grab something and she would be fine. Now, when you even think about walking away, she's halfway across the room. I think that it would be a genius idea if there were hamster balls for crawling infants. If I had a hamster ball to put Kaelynn in, I think we both would be happy. She could crawl wherever her little heart desired and I could get something accomplished. Seriously, this is a great idea!

The more mobile thing has spread out to pretty much all facets of her life. It is the most noticeable when she is on the changing table. Changing her diaper is like trying to rangle an octopus. She is squirming everywhere and throwing her arms out and her legs out and trying to roll over and shifting her hips. Oh my, the whole diaper changing process used to take about 2 minutes, now it's upwards towards 5, maybe 6! She is just so curious and headstrong.

Unfortunately, summer is over, which means my tenure as a stay at home mom {SAHM} is over too.

It was great while it lasted, but I guess, like the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Well, it's not coming to an end actually, I mean, seriously, I'll still be her MOTHER, just won't be one that gets to enjoy her all day every day (and besides, I would probably get sick of that, lol, right?)

Mostly, the big thing that I feel is worry. True, I don't have to worry about where we are going to send Kaelynn for daycare. Finally got that figured out {not that Arbor ever called me back}. We decided to go with Kamaina Kids, which is less money {although still expensive} and close to our home. We do have a fall back plan {a friend of my mom's} in case it doesn't end up working out, which is great too.

But I'm worried about her {and me}. We had this great thing going; our days were scheduled and in sync. We had a routine! It was a great routine! And now I'm worried that her routine will be all screwed up. At the daycare, there are 6 other kids in her class. The ratio of student to teacher is 3 to 1, which is pretty good, but they are babies! I worry that she won't get enough attention. I worry that her day will get wonky. There is nothing better than 1 on 1 attention, and I recognize that as sucky as that may be, it's not in the cards for us {at least right now}. I worry about her eating; she just started eating solids; what if something about that gets messed up? What if she doesn't get enough to eat or drink? {I'm worrying too much right?}

I worry about her nap time. She pretty much only sleeps in the swing during her daytime naps. She likes to snuggle with the ribbon blanket, but the ribbon blanket can't go to school, no personal items like that are allowed. They don't have any swings {well, they have this little buzzer chair thing, that is similar}. So, does this mean that she won't be able to nap? Or does this mean that if she's tired enough, she'll figure it out? I want to make a schedule and a list of things that she likes and needs, but I don't want to turn into THAT parent, if you know what I mean.

At least for this week & next, she'll still be with Corey. She doesn't start daycare until the 22nd. But does Corey know the routine?? I'm not sure.

I know that Corey will have his own routine with her and it will be a good one too, but I just feel sad that it won't be with me.

Today we had a great time at the Children's Discovery Center. It was a blast and I can't wait to take Kaelynn back when she is a little bigger {like when she's walking}. I was having fun too!! There are so many fun things to play with. On the one hand, I'm glad that we had that fun experience with all of our friends, but on the other hand, I'm a little bummed that Kaelynn & I's last weekday together wasn't a routine day. {We have a separate routine for the weekends}. But, it's different now anyway with Charlotte visiting.

[UGH. Is my firefox not working or is the internet not working? Seriously irritating me right now!]

And then there are the whole mixed feelings about being back at work. Eh, it's hard giving up summer. I mean, I love my job? I do enjoy my job & I think we are going to have a great year this year, but honestly, I really wish I was staying home with Kaelynn. And it's harder going back now, then it was in April, because now someone that I don't know {instead of Scyntha} will be watching her & that just makes me nervous {as you all know}.

All I can do is give her extra snuggles in the morning and head off to work like the grown up that I am. It sucks, and we can't change that. I wish there was some way that I could hide her in the back of the classroom. The kids would never notice, right? If only we had daycare at work; wouldn't that be ideal? That would be like a dream.

I thought about staying home. Especially when it seems like daycare would take up, literally, my whole paycheck. {Now, the question is, do I get a higher paying job, quit the job, or suck it up?} I do like my job, I really do. It's my 5th year at Assets. I'm like a oldie now! I know the ropes! I know the tricks! I just sometimes wonder, is it worth it? Is is worth having someone else spend more hours a week with her than I do? But then again, if I quit my job, there goes health insurance & dental & 401k. Health insurance is pretty much the deal breaker. We cannot have no health insurance with a baby. Definitely cannot. And I was on QUEST before and it pretty much sucks. I couldn't imagine being on that with a baby! Health insurance is so expensive. And then how will we pay our bills? But, how will be pay our bills when more than half of our money goes to childcare?? It's like seriously a catch-22. Lose lose. Which is really unfortunate! :(

And I'm just being a pessimist because I am going to miss her so much while I'm back at work. How am I supposed to focus on work when I am constantly thinking/worrying about her? Bleh.

Being a grown up sucks. Did I mention that already? It sucks!

And, I guess I better get back to that. I need to get my things in order for tomorrow and go and snuggle with my baby. <3

I thought we had this whole day care thing kinda together, I guess that was my mistake because it seems to all be unraveling.

We had decided to send Kaelynn to the Cole Academy because I really liked the one on one attention and the stages of development that they focused on.
Unfortunately, this place is about $1600 a MONTH for Kaelynn's age group. There is no way that we can afford that. Honestly, that's more than I bring home a month.
The people at the Cole Academy told us about Arbor Childcare Connections, which is a government subsidized organization that helps people pay for childcare. They told us that a lot of the people who send their children to the Cole Academy get money from Arbor. They even mentioned that some of them almost get a full ride. Since I figured we were in a similar financial situation, I thought, awesome! I have no problem paying even $500 a month for her child care.

So after a while I finally get a hold of the Arbor people. They send me an application & I send it back with all of the necessary paperwork. Then I get a call for a phone interview; the lady seems really optimistic. We are approved! But she doesn't know for how much. But now, I'm feeling really good. I feel like this whole childcare thing is taken care of and I don't have to stress about it or about going back to work and not having somewhere to send her.

Of course, we are trying to scramble to put together the deposit (of which Arbor doesn't cover). It's a lot of money, but we are going to make it work.

Then I get the letter back in the mail from Arbor. I thought I just didn't understand it. I thought maybe it might be a typo, but the paper says that we are going to get $119 a MONTH to cover our childcare. Wait a minute, $119? Seriously? That's not even 10% of the cost! I am so confused! I call the Arbor case worker, and leave a message. I call the next day, and leave a message. I've had to call 4 times already, 4 messages left. Why won't they call me back and EXPLAIN this to me! I don't know what is up.

We were going to just pay the deposit to the Cole Academy and if I pay before Aug. 15th, I can have my first month half off, so we figured that we were covered until at least September. Then Corey found out today that the deposit covers THE LAST month of service & not the FIRST month, so we have to somehow come up with $3000 and not $1600 for her to go for two months! I don't know how people do it. It seems like this Cole Academy is even more expensive than MY school, which is pretty dang expensive! I wish we just had a daycare at work. There is a preschool at Chaminade, but it's for 2 years & up. The biggest problem is that Kaelynn is so young & the younger that you are, the more expensive you are.

And to make matters worse, the Cole Academy people called me today and said that Arbor sent them a check for $119 and are we going to come up with the rest of it? And I said that I was trying to find out from Arbor how much they were going to pay each month and the Cole Academy lady said that she thought it was just going to be $119 and I told her if that was the case, then we couldn't afford to send her there. And she said give her a call when I hear from the Arbor people.

And now I'm like distraught and I don't know what to say to the Arbor people without sounding distraught. Why so little bit? How are we supposed to pay for this on our own?

And what if that is it? No mistake, $119 a month? What are we going to do with Kaelynn?? I go back to work next week!

Now I have to find another place to send her? I don't know anyone who watches kids, especially children as young as her. I don't have time to interview all of these care takers. I don't know what to say to the Arbor people. How do I explain our situation in any different way? I wish someone else could just call them and figure out what the problem is. How did they come up with that magic number? How do I contest the amount?

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed with all of this. :(

Seattle [Time: 8:15 a.m. HNL time // 11:15 a.m. PAC time]

I really should have grabbed a coffee before I started writing, but let me tell you, seats, let alone TABLES are a scarce in this SEATAC airport. Then again, it is lunch time here. Hmm.. lunch...

Anyway, here begins about hour 1 of my possibly 6-8 hour adventure in the SEATAC airport. I spent the first half hour or so, trying to charge my ipod. Luckily, there is free wifi in here, so I'm sure that will make the time go by a little quicker.

All I wanted to do was type up a little blog and watch the planes take off. Apparently, 300 other people wanted to do that, give or take the blogging and add in eating. It's so busy here; however, this provides the perfect opportunity for people watching; which is one of the best perks of being in an airport.

Speaking of people watching, there was totally a family of 5: Mom, Dad, 8 year old, 4 year old, 3 year old in the D.C. airport and on my plane. It seemed as though it was the parents first time flying/being in an airport.. and the children added to their confusion. It was pretty surprising to me, but they mentioned (out loud, not to me specifically) that they were on their way to Juneau, so maybe they don't fly too often.

Children... there were, no lie, like 20 children on my DCA flight. Now, this 20 includes all the way up to 18, but there were at least 13 under 10 year olds. Surprising. I guess, I'm totally not used to flying during the day, like when families are flying.

A mother and her 9 year old boy are sitting with me here. I have a 5 seater table. Hot commodity. They were eating a delicious looking burrito from Qdoba, which Allison says is a Chipotle knockoff, but I don't really care, it looks yummy. I might get that when I am done typing. The mother & son have left and a woman and a man have sat down. The woman is wearing a wedding ring, but the man isn't. Might just be traveling partners, they seem cordial to each other, but not necessarily in the married way.

There are all kinds of things to eat in here. I think I will have a snack when the crowd dies down. OOOh, a Continental 747 just took off. Wow, that's cool.

The fellow just asked the woman, "How many seconds are there in a year?" She was like, "Uh, like seconds?" And he replies, "12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." She laughed. Then he asked, "How many months have 28 days?" But he didn't wait for a reply, just a short laugh and answered, "All of them." I knew that answer, but I thought that it would be inappropriate for myself to interject into their conversation... however, we are table mates now.

Travelings... It's been 10 days since I've left Hawaii. I've been to 4 states: Washington, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Virginia.. as well as D.C., not to mention Hawaii. I've been on a turnpike. Didn't make it to West Virginia or Ohio, maybe next time. Pittsburgh is a cool city.

But now, here I am in Seattle. I've said good bye (for who knows how long) to two of my best friends. We all have our own adventures to go on, but I am deeply saddened that we aren't going on them together... but who knows what the future holds.

The man and the woman are headed for their gate, destinations unknown.

The food court, aside from it's awesome full glass windows for plane watching, is also located conveniently right in front of the security checkpoint, which is probably why it is so popular.

One woman with a 3 year old, was rushing through the food court and then stopped suddenly exclaiming, "My bag! My bag!" I guess, that's a downside to traveling with children; they are so distracting! I will find that out at Christmas when we take Kaelynn on her first adventure in the skies, on our way to Seattle. (Wow, actually, we will be coming back HERE, but not trying to waste/spend 6 hours).

Now, 6 hours here or there, that's just one of the downsides of flying standby. The flight from DCA had 22 open seats with 6 (or so) people trying to fly standby, so that was a good deal, pretty much, next to something INSANE happening, there was a great chance I would get on (and I did. I wasn't even the last person on the standby list). However, here, trying to go west, back to Hawaii, is another story.

We landed in SEATAC at 10:10 a.m. PAC time. My flight to Hawaii (which doesn't really look good or bad, could go either way) is at 5:00 something PAC time. Now, if my math is correct, that's about 6 hours. Ideally, I would have loved to spend these 6 hours back in MD with Allison, but the PM flight out of DC didn't look good, and all the flights until Saturday, didn't look good either. So I flew to Seattle. Here, if I miss the flight, Mama Thompson will come and save me, so I don't have to spend the night in the airport. Haha. Then we try again tomorrow.

Part of me hopes I don't get on the flight so I can see her again, but part of me does hope I make it. I'm ready to be home. Actually, ideally, Corey & Kaelynn, would be here with me, where all my other friends are, but we unfortunately live in the real world.

Two women joined me. A woman maybe my mom's age and a girl maybe my age. Could be mother & daughter. They haven't given too many hints to that. The girl isn't wearing a wedding ring, but the woman is.

So, I totally want to write about Genny's wedding, but I will save that for part two. But total side note, it's a tradition or it thing in Pittsburgh to have cookies at your wedding. So, much to our surprise, there were GIRL SCOUT cookies!! Yum! That was awesome. So I saved some and have those to snack on here. Also, it was something new and different because I got to take my apple on the plane! (No fruit when leaving from or to Hawaii... no flowers either, so I had to leave my bouquet in MD).

[Random: I really wish that I hadn't packed my pumping stuff because I didn't have a chance to do it this morning and I'm full, which is uncomfortable, not to mention, I don't know when I will be able to pump, so I hope that this one day doesn't ruin my whole ability to make milk. That would be irritating. However, there aren't a lot of places to pump, seeing how there isn't anywhere to put down the pump in the bathroom. Also, hopefully my milk stays cold so I won't have to throw it all away. :( Cross your fingers, seriously, that would make me cry.)

There is a girl one table away. I think she has/will be spending a lot of time in the airport. A woman sat down with her, maybe a 30something year old and the girl is college age. But they are chatting like they are old friends. It's great, but when you are a little desperate for human contact, ie, you've been talking to yourself for a while, you will be friendly to pretty much anyone. Her (the college aged girl) luggage got sent to Las Vegas but she is going to California, but she is in high spirits, actually she thinks it's pretty funny. But when you have a good attitude about traveling, then you won't be all stressed out or upset.

I try to be like that, but it doesn't always work for me. My flight is so late, that it isn't even on the monitors yet, so I don't know what Gate I need to be at. Oh well, big deal, I have 4 hours to figure that out. It's like I'm still on the airplane, except I have nice bathrooms and access to good food.

When we were getting off the plane, I was watching the baggage people take the luggage off of the plane and put it in that little cart. I didn't see my bag, which is kinda alarming (mostly for the milk reason), but hopefully, I just didn't see it on the side I was on. Anyway, I discovered two things: 1) being a luggage handler looks like a pretty hard job; those bags are heavy, awkward, as well as some are oddly shaped. The conveyor belt goes faster than you can lug the bags off of it and into the cart, which makes you get backed up. However, 2) luggage handlers are not AT ALL kind to your bags. They let them fall on the floor, they chuck them into the cart thing, they bang them around, they rattle them everywhere. I was like, "Yikes! Hope there is nothing breakable in that!" I will have to use this information to think about how I pack my suitcase better.

Wow, this is a little crazy, might be a total coincidence, however, a college aged girl just walked by with a CF tours backpack that was painted like the Italian flag and said Italy on it. Random because CF tours is the tour that Cottey always takes to Europe and random because Charlotte totally went to Italy. She has since faded into the mixture of people, so I guess I will never know. But still kinda cool.

Definitely mother and daughter duo at my table. They have since left.

I got semi snubbed by a family of 3, younger people, they didn't want to share my table. When the M&D duo got up, they were ready to swoop in to take the table, but then when they saw that I wasn't leaving, and I offered the seats to them, they were like, "Eh." Well, fine. :P I have since gotten a new lunch partner (even though I still don't have any lunch). She is 20something, maybe my age.. and she is eating Ivars fish & chips, which smells SOOOOO GOOOOOD. Maybe I'll have that. It has pretty much been 1 hour since I have landed. Maybe it's time to find some coffee, lunch, and a quiet, empty gate to spend another hour or two in.

Remember, there is wifi! So play words with friends with me!

Also, I'm sure no one even cared about this blah blah blah blog, but it is sure therapeutic to write it.

More later. <3

Often, I find myself thinking about a California playlist. Why is this? It seems to me, that there is an exceptionally large amount of songs about California. I mean, I get it... California definitely has a lot of stereotypes. I for one, know that some of my best memories from childhood take place in California. I'm sure everyone has something or some thought that might make California special to them.

Wouldn't it be fun to drive from the top of California to the bottom or across listening to a specific California play list? That would be rad (I think).

Again, I bring up this thought about California as I listen to "California" by Phantom Planet.

So, I decide to search for "California" in my itunes (now, these are only songs on my computer, not on my ipod, which was a ton more)
These are the ones that came up:

Miss California - Jack's Mannequin
California - Hollywood Undead
California's Burning - Augustana
California Gurls - Katy Perry
California - Phantom Planet
Dani California - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Back to California - Sugarcult

Who even knows how many songs that there that merely mention California in the song and not unnecessarily, the title.

And now... I need not worry about trying to find songs that mention/contain California. Somebody at wikipedia already did that for me: List of Songs about California. Also someone has made a list of the Top Songs about California.

Are there any songs about California that you particularly like?

Ah, and lastly: The Ultimate California Playlist: 100 Songs about California

Last weekend, my sister, Scyntha & I went to the Baby Expo. It was bigger than the Dog Expo, especially because instead of having to navigate aisles filled with dogs, we now had to navigate aisles filled with small children and strollers. It was the trenches! However, it was worth it. Especially because I was able to talk to a few day care providers and because I discovered Undercover Mama.

Now, I am sad to report that I didn't dedicate as much time as I should have to this product at the time. I regret it because I have had to pay the retail price (although still discounted) instead of the special Baby Expo price.

Anyway, Scyntha stopped at this booth called, "Play Time Hawaii" because they were playing this music about baby sign language or something like that. It was a pretty irritating song, so naturally we were drawn to it. She started looking at the program and CDs and then saw this shirt. That's when she called me over (I'm not sure what I was looking at). She showed me the shirt, which I thought was pretty nifty, so I bought one (even though they had a special buy two Expo price. I wasn't sure if I was going to like it. Silly, silly me). (Also, the girl who was selling them had this super awesome iPhone plug in that could swipe credit cards, so that was really, really cool.)

Fast forward to home. I decided to test this shirt out. And let me tell you I FELL IN LOVE WITH IT!

Here's how it works:
It is basically like a tube top. In the front however, there are hooks and a plastic loop for attaching it to your nursing bra. It makes nursing bras become nursing tank tops!! GENIUS! It also works with regular bras (the hook can attach in the same place on a regular bra) and make that regular bra become a tank top!! Wow. It's awesome. AND it's comfy. AND it doesn't roll up or fall down in the back.

Of course, every time I've worn it, Kaelynn has spit up all over it and then I've had to wash it. This is when I regret not buying two at the Expo. However, they do have a website found here Undercover Mama and a special going on, buy two for $45 with no shipping (regularly priced at $24.99). Free shipping? I'm there! They also sell the shirts in some boutiques that are listed on their website.

These shirts are doubly awesome especially because nursing tanks are so expensive. The one that I had was almost $30 to buy (at Motherhood Maternity), which is why I only have one. But with Undercover Mama, I can have one whenever I want one. Amazing.

I've already ordered two more. Now I'll have a black one (original), a white one, and a hot pink one! I'm super jazzed.

I discover something new about her everyday.

She enjoys baths and having her diaper changed. She doesn't mind if the wipes are cold.
She wakes up smiling.
She loves being sung to. (Especially "All Around the Mulberry Bush" & "The Mahna Mahna Song" [from The Muppet Show]).
She likes made up stories.
She has discovered her voice and talks, makes noises, and "yells" and giggles at the sound.
She can hold her own bottle and "helps" me feed herself.
She wants to sit up so badly and will strain in the Boppy or the car seat and then squawk when she can't. But sitting in the Bumbo makes her tired because she isn't used to it yet.
She practices kicking and "swam" while we had her in the big tub. She loves being in the water. I can't wait to be able to take her to the beach. Her legs are so strong.
She has the deepest, clearest blue eyes. I hope that they stay this way.
She fights sleep in her car seat, but always falls asleep as soon as we start driving.
She loves her ribbon blanket and can hold the ribbons. She falls asleep with the Minky side rubbing on her face.
She doesn't mind Tummy Time. She is almost ready to roll over. She kicks her legs and can sort of scoot across the mat. If she's on her back on the play mat, she can kick her legs so she goes around in a circle.
She likes when I rub her nose. It relaxes her and helps her fall asleep.
She has discovered how to pull her binky out of her mouth. She has almost figured out how to put it back in. Sometimes she just spits it out and it goes flying across the room.
She's serious about her milk. She will pretty much only cry if a) You don't feed her fast enough. b) You take the bottle out of her mouth for some reason (like to burp her). c) She's done nursing and wants a bottle. or d) She doesn't get enough milk. She wants the milks and she wants it now!!!

When we are sitting together, she curls her hands around my fingers.
When we are playing on the floor mat, she will look to me as to say, "Look what I can do." She figured out how to make her play mat make noise. She concentrates on her hands and wills them to move the objects. It's like the Baby Force.
When she is sitting in my arms, sometimes she will lay her head back on my shoulder and let out a big content sigh.
When she is rocking in her swing, she falls asleep quickly.

It's magical being able to see her thinking and learning and growing up.

She falls asleep in Corey's arms, but not mine.
Sometimes she just looks up at me and smiles. It is the most amazing feeling in the world.
Sometimes when I'm nursing her, she pulls off and looks up at me, smiling, like she's saying, "Thank you Mommy. Thank you for this delicious milk." And it makes all of those months of frustration worth it.

She is getting bigger and growing everyday.
She fits a size 2 diaper! I was so sad to admit that. I didn't want to put away the size 1 diapers. She is wearing mostly 3-6 months clothes (but still fits some of the 0-3 months ones). It was sad (for me) to pack up her little newborn onsies and outfits. I can't believe that she used to be that small. I might be guilty of trying to put the too small clothes on her in my denial.

I'm so glad it's almost summer and I can stay home with her again and play with her and enjoy her.
It's so awesome being her Mommy.

I have finally reached the first topic of motherhood that truly makes me want to cry. Yes, we struggled with the BF thing and I did come to tears a few times, however, this really truly, depresses & makes me feel anxious.

The dreaded... day care.

I have had it pretty easy so far. Fortunately, my sister, Scyntha lives around and offered to stay with her during the day. I have been extremely blessed that she came through for us. Kaelynn knows her & enjoys being at her house. It's worked out pretty great so far.

However, we got some bad news. Well, it's bad for us, but good for Scyntha. She starts her internship in the fall. This is the last step before she can graduate from her psychology masters program. It's bad because this internship will be during the day.. while I'm at work & while Corey is in school. Which, leaves Kaelynn with no one.

The options where I quit work or Corey drops out of school aren't really feasible seeing how we need money to live. Which, leaves us with ... daycare.

This makes me want to cry because a) I don't want her to be with someone I don't know all day b) I don't trust many people with my baby & c) daycare is EXPENSIVE. (We are talking $1100 a MONTH for a 6 month old infant.. and that's not even a FULL Day.) How do people afford this?? It's like almost ALL of my take home pay is going to go to daycare. Is it even worth it to work?

I understand that daycare is the norm for most people. I'm sure everyone has anxieties about sending their kids away for the day. I guess, I just thought that I had it pretty good with Scyntha. I guess I didn't really think of a possibility of Kaelynn not being at Scyntha's.

Also extremes like this don't make things look any brighter or make me feel any better.

I am sad that I can't stay at home with her during the day. I don't want someone I don't know being able to see her growing and hitting milestones before me. It sucks.

In my minor research, I have come across two places that take infants as young as 6 weeks: Cole Academy & Stepping Stones Academy. I heard good things about Cole Academy. Haven't heard much about Stepping Stones Academy. Does anyone have any experience with either of these? There is also Kaimaina Kids & Hawaii Kids at Work take infants, but I'm not sure what the child to adult ratio is.

I also know that we have to decide soon because you need to apply (who's to say if Cole even is taking new admission?) because there is a HIGH demand for daycare/preschool on this island. What if we don't get in? What am I supposed to do with her then?

I don't know what to do. My mom emailed her friend who used to watch babies but she's retiring, so there is a big fat no go there. :( I would have loved if she watched Kaelynn. She was great with babies and only took 1-2 of them on at a time. I know most places have a ratio of 4-1 for infants under 1 y/o... but still!

Daycares are full of germs (I know that exposer is good for her, but I don't want her to get sick!). I don't want someone I don't know practically raising her. I am being a humangus baby about this, but she's my baby and I am getting all stressed out about it. I don't know anyone who has a daycare, I can't use the military resources for daycares anymore, I'm not sure about the whole PATCH thing because to be really good, you have to interview like everyone on it and I don't have time to do that until school is over and who knows if that's too late.

Yeah, kinda sound like Debbie Downer.. but I, personally, didn't want to have to go the daycare route, which makes me have a negative attitude regarding the whole thing. It sucks, but I'm willing to accept help. Help me please? Any suggestions/advice is GLADLY appreciated. :(

I don't really remember actually getting her. I know we went down to Barber's Point (back then it was an actual base, but my parents were part of the Navy League and could get on base) to pick her out. She was the only girl out of a litter of 4. The boys were named after presidents: Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln, and Kennedy. She was humbly named Pearl Harbor's Gift.

I was 12 and in 6th grade. We took her home, back up to Makakilo wrapped in a blanket. We fought over who would get to hold her in the car. It wasn't long before that we had lost another faithful dog, Belle, and we longed for that cuddle and comfort that only a dog can bring. I'm sure Charlotte won out; she was after all, the youngest.

Mom was going to college at Chaminade, studying to be a teacher. She had to make math manipulative and games for her classes and would often spread the materials out on our living room floor. Momi (the Hawaiian word for pearl, to honor her given name) would often walk out in the middle of the games and lay down. She always had to be the center of attention. We joked that she LOVED math. That's where her fond nickname, Momi the Math Mutt came from. Whenever Mom had some new math thing to try out, we made sure to run it past Momi first. She also loved playing cards, especially Rich Man Poor Man and Skip-Bo, or any game played on the floor with lots of cards in the middle playing area, where she could lay down on top of them.

There was a sandbox in our garage that the three of us (plus our neighbor across the street, Sylvia) spent hours upon hours playing in. Many a game was invented here, the most famous being Pup's Diner. It was also where our award winning (and many a gold star) radio-cooking show, Two Hot Lemon Drops was born. The stars were Sylvia Fartknocker, Anastasia Nosebleed, Scyntha Cabbage and Momi the Math Mutt. Momi was "radio" shy and would literally, never bark on command. She wouldn't stop barking and anything walking by when the tape recorder was turned off, but never on cue, after the announcement of the title of the show. She did, however, enjoy cooking (with sand) the meals of the show. Old tapes have a distinct humor of the announcement, "Welcome to Two Hot Lemon Drops, with special guest, Scyntha Cabbage! (Bark, Momi! Bark! Why won't she bark?)."

Being the children of a teacher meant that often our games involved school (i.e. playing school, after being in school all day) or playing educational games (we had computer games, but they were definitely Math Blasters or Historical Mysteries). We had this recliner chair that had a great rocking ability. It was blue. It was also what inspired our famous game of Oregon Trail. We loaded the chair, "the wagon", with blankets, clothes, and "household items" (i.e. things from our play kitchen) before starting on our journey. Mom told us we were just making a mess in the living room and to clean it up right away, but we were going to Oregon! We had to find a new life of riches in the wilderness! Also, we had to take our baby, sweet Baby Alice with us. She didn't mind being bundled up in a blanket and being passed from hand to hand. We had to protect the baby on the trip and snuggled her between us on the front of the wagon. She was relieved when we finally made it to Oregon (the kitchen).

Baby Alice wasn't confined only to the Oregon Trail game. Often (poor dog) we would dress her up in baby clothes and bundle her in blankets and carry her around the room exclaiming, "Look at my sweet Baby Alice! Would you like to hold Baby Alice?" She was a trooper. She never cried, complained, tried to escape or bite. She would give us a look of, "Really? Seriously? Whatever," and let us to practically anything we wanted with her.

She slept with me on my bed, the bottom bunk, curled up at my toes and sometimes between my legs or next to my belly. She just invited herself but was never asked to leave because she didn't snarl or bite whenever you moved. She sometimes slept with me on the top bunk as well, but you had to hurry up and take her down so she wouldn't jump off and break her legs.

Suitcases were definitely one of Momi's weaknesses. She hated them! She knew and understood that suitcases meant that we were going somewhere, and thus leaving her behind. When we were getting ready to go on a trip to California, out came the suitcases, and in went the dog. She would sit in them defiantly, almost saying, "If you are going, you're taking me too!" In her later years, she would just be depressed and mope around when she knew that we were leaving.

She hated that her girls had to go to college and would sit on the steps and wait for them to come home, even if they weren't coming home for months. She was afraid of the nail gun compressor because once it went off while she was walking by and the air hit her. She would scurry into your lap or up your legs in terror whenever it was on. You had to literally hold her sometimes because she was so frightened of the machine.

While I was gone at college, she had two litters of puppies. Adorable ones, I hear. Ones with the beautiful, traditional salt and pepper coloring of schnauzers. They were always popular and bought quickly. We even got to keep one, Zoey, who has the mannerisms of Momi and the coloring of her dad, Ender.

When our bird, Mai Tai would fly around the room, he often loved to land on Momi, who was lying on the floor and pull her hair or walk across her body. He was a sort of annoyance to her, but she always let him do it. I think that they were buddies.

Going along with her being the center of attention, she would often want a table scrap or a piece of popcorn, or basically anything you were eating. She would paw your leg or your arm, if you were on the couch, and then if you didn't respond quickly enough, she would bark. However, she was always a polite eater and never snarfed her food. She took small bites and chewed carefully. (Not that she had table scraps very often. :))

Recently, an old friend who also lived across the street, Melissa, came to visit. She marveled at how Momi was still alive and kicking it and how she must be so old. 15 years. That's a pretty long time when you go from being 12 to 28. That's a big portion of your life. It's like, you can't remember a time when she wasn't with you, when she wasn't around. She has always been sitting at the top of the stairs waiting for you. She has always been sleeping on a pillow around your bed. She has always been sitting on the couch next to you.

I knew that this day was coming, but honestly, like so many things, I guess I thought it would never get here. You try to think of what it would be like to not have her around, and come up blank.

I'm glad that Momi got to meet Kaelynn, to have another little girl to add to her collection. That dog had so many fun times with us. And now, unfortunately, it's time to say goodbye to an old friend. I love you my sweet Momi, my dear baby Alice. I will miss you everyday.

http://www.dogster.com/dogs/81173