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 depressed |
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This Purim vacation was just shit most time, especially today and on Thursday, when I was alone with the kids. My son has making me so angry and frustrated, it's unbelievable. With all my love to him, and I DO love him allot, I sometimes think to myself: "why do I need this?" Not him him as a person, just this whole situation, the problems with his behavior. He acts totally like a 2yo sometimes. Today he was watching cartoons, when I smelled poo. I knew he didn't make poo in his pants, he just didn't wash his hands after he did it. So I told him to go wash his hands, and he said: "after it ends". I said: "now, your hands smell awful, wash them" and he stepped on my book and ripped a page. I got really angry and took this paper I tore for him from a magazine (with Spiderman picture in it) and said: "you tore my page, I tear yours". And I tore it. He cried: "why are you doing this?" and I said: "I told you, you ruin things for me, I ruin them for you." and he started with the thing I hate most: "I'm sorry mommy, I didn't mean to do it...I love you, why are you always angry with me?" And I was going something like: "coz you act like a baby, will you ever stop all this?" and he went: "I didn't do anything bad, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." and I begane crying. Not coz he cried, but more coz I'm worried about all this behavior. I mean, a 6 yo kid, that sometimes acts and talks like a baby. I know he's not doing it coz he's a bad kid, he's the opposite, and I know he doesn't do it coz he's got bad temper, he doesn't, I know he's got problems and most things he can't control, but it's just getting me down anyway, all the things he does sometimes. When I'm so angry with him and I'm telling him that I'll punish him, he cries and hugs and kisses me, when I tell him: "it's all right, I won't punish you" he starts to laugh like an idiot or a retarted (I mean a retarted retarted) and makes this stupid faces. Sometimes he hits himself on the head or slaps himself (when he's angry or very happy), it worries me. Especially when he does it in public. I know it's awful to feel this way, but sometimes I'm very ashamed and emberessed. I try to act cool, but I feel so bad.
And I also feel bad for my daughter, who has to cope with his hitting and tearing her drawing or getting in her way when she is playing or whatever, and this: "I didn't do it, she did it!" (when he does something bad). I think she understands well he's got a problem, but I still feel like: "poor girl, I bet she wished she had a normal brother, that will play with her and her friends nicely and not ruin their games and chase them and do stupid faces and quote Disney films or talk rubbish." I know that's what she will want, a "good" brother, that will act to her like most her friends do. And it makes me sad.
Sometimes I love him to death, sometimes I can't stand him, or his behavior and actions and talking. Sometimes I wish I wish he was normal like most kids, like her. It would be so much easy. It would not make me feel depressed and ashamed and no good so many times. He would occupy himself for hours, he will always answer to my questions straight to the point, he will play nicely with other kids, he will share toys and food all the time, he will bring friends over, he will go to their houses, he will learn to write and read the ABC letters, he will say smart things and make me proud all the time.
But inspite of all that I love him allot like he is, even when sometimes I wish he could be like most kids in his age. And sometimes, I know it's pointless and/or dumb, I say to myself: "maybe dealing with all these problems will make me a better person and teach me allot of things about life, and challange me, make things maybe harder, but put me to tests and make me relise I can do so many things to and for him, so he will have a better future, and I will feel proud in years, if not months, to come".
God, I'm so tired.
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annoyed
calm
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pleased
sleepy
shocked
exhausted
busy