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So I haven't been on here in over a year and once again I am finding that I need this outlet more then ever...As crazy as it may be to read some of the places my life has been in the past and yet Im about to vent about how things are today and they are not nearly as bad as they had been,,So with that being said maybe after writing this I can begin to feel better..Lets give it a shot at least ;) I most say that this week has been one full of too much anxiety and stress..I just simply do not feel like myself at all. I am more anxious then I have been in years and although there are reasons, they still dont justify this MUCH edginess!! And its begining to really affect my life. I can only pray whatever it is passes by real quick!! I have been thinking way too often again that i just want and need to RUN... RUN FAR FAR AWAY!! Although this is not realistic or logical the thoughts still continuously occur. Im quicker to snap on people suddenly and I have less patience with my children both of which make work and home tougher..Yestreday I just had this very overwhelming feeling that I just needed to cry and i did so a few times for not really any particular reason...I just want to give up lately all of a sudden...I hadn't felt like this in so long I really figured it was gone forever and prayed these feelings would never return ever again, But yet here they are again :( I just feel this awful emptiness inside me that i just cant really figure out..This is something Ive felt since I was a child but I havent really noticed it as much lately yet now its here again and very strongly. Im having trouble focusing and paying attention and im very irritable...I feel like its an awful mania so unlike any I have ever had before...Im calling to make appt with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I havent been on meds for bipolar for years and begun to believe that I am okay and can handle my ups and downs without meds until now...I just hope I can get an appt before i change my mind again...Oh nothing frustrates me more then ever changing ME!!!! On Monday i got news of layoffs at work which started this tailspin of misery...Although I am not yet laid off I still have tons of anxiety over this especially being its out of my control...On Wednesday I found out that my childrens father is no longer employed and I am suddenly going to be short $800 a month to pay my bills and feed my kids. We had already been living week by week and struggling while getting child support. Now life seems impossible to me and I am freaking out. I already started to interview for second jobs but Im just so distraught and resentful that I am will be working every waking hour and not be able to spend time with my children and still not have enough money to pay all my bills :( I know I have survived much worse and Im trying hard to remember that...But its tough. My first instincts are to flip to panic mode...What it comes down to though is that I HATE unexpected change that is out of my control yet effects my life so drastically!! Ugh I so hate being so negative and I apologize that this post is just that...When I am positive and optimistic, I am so to the extreme and vice versa as well unfortunately..... But Im getting tired so Im going to head to bed..But hopefully I will continue to write daily and my next post will be a little more happy! I find it really hard to trust people in the "real" world so maybe this is where I am meant to vent... | ||||||||||||||
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