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| 09:04pm 27/04/2008 |
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well i guess i should give damon the benefit of the doubt from now on. he DID call, and we did meet up so he could see lila. i was expecting to be let down, as always, but i was shocked in a good way to see otherwise.
he saw her for a good two hours. so that was nice. i can tell he feels kind of weird around her, even though he says he doesn't... i told him it's ok, because i know it's going to take some time for them to get used to eachother and know eachother. i mean it took me time and i grew her.
now who knows when he'll see her again. i tried to ask him if he could see her once a month, regularly. just two hours. he wouldn't agree to it. he says he doesn't want to make a commitment to see her at a set date/time because he is always so busy and has so much to do. so basically, it has to be at HIS convenience, i guess. which is bullshit. |
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(1 needles in my eye | blind me)
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| 12:29pm 27/04/2008 |
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i have this really bad habit... i talk to lila... like she's just another adult. when we're shopping somewhere i ask her opinion, and when i run into people i tell her about them. i don't know.. it's weird i guess. i mean i've caught people staring at me talking to her, and i guess they think i'm crazy because she obviously doesn't understand me. but she's my best friend.
it's twelve thirty, and mabe it's early, but i already told lila that she wont be seeing her dad today. its raining and i just have the feeling he'll come up with some excuse. that's all he is. a big, fucking, pathetic excused.
it's not a big deal right now. she doesn't know what i'm saying. but i fear the day she does understand. because i will always be honest with her. and it will break my heart.
for now she smiles unknowingly, and i just smile back a forced grin. i want to give her the world, and i can't even fucking give her a father. i feel like shit. *sigh* she deserves so much better than this. than me. |
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(1 needles in my eye | blind me)
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| 09:48am 26/04/2008 |
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something strange happened last night.. apparently i've reached an alternate dimension. i'm now playing life on a different plane. i don't know what to think. i don't know what to feel. i don't know who trust. |
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(blind me)
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| 04:39am 26/04/2008 |
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i got home close to 4 and sat in my car and cried for over half an hour. it was raining daintily outside and the drops hit the windshield in rythm. it was good company. it was good relief... i guess.
tomorrow i'm hanging out with maggie, and going to bang to support gabby and natasha. and then i wont be going out for a long time because i really want my new tattoo.
im glad i went out tonight.. i hung out with coworkers and it was good "bonding" time.
i don;t think i'll be doing it again anytime soon though. |
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(blind me)
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| 01:54pm 21/04/2008 |
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i just bought this TokiDoki dress
i hope it gets here soon. i need instant gratification. or as close to instant as possible. now i can't go out for a few weeks.
for mothers day i want someone to buy me this:
i need some kind of confirmation that i'm doing things right. or as correct as is possible for someone like me. |
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(blind me)
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| ch ch changes |
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| 07:38pm 18/04/2008 |
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my couisn just walked in the door. haven't seen him in about 7 months. hopefully he is on his meds or i don't want him near the baby. he is bi-polar with mild schizophrenia.
after 8 years of marriage my sister has decided she is no longer in love with her husband and they are seeing other people.
my mom has been bleeding a lot. when she pees. when she has a bowl movement. foughing it up a little bit. she's pretty sure she is dying. i don't think she is crazy this time. it might be for real now. something i definitely don't want to think about.
i'm going to enjoy some family time. my sister is in town too. how special. |
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(1 needles in my eye | blind me)
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| 06:22pm 14/04/2008 |
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it's not every day you come home to a copy of the Quran hanging from your front door knob. Today was one of those rare ocassions.
i have a terrible headache. my nose is runny. lila is being a good girl entertaining herself in the kitchen with a yellow plastic top to a tupperware container. a pizza is heating in the oven. i am so glad to be home.
maybe one day i'll be bored enough to actually decide to read the muslim holy book. it could be interesting... though these days i find the entire idea of religion pretty hilarious. |
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(1 needles in my eye | blind me)
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| 11:08am 13/04/2008 |
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so much for doing anything today. i started feeling sick yesterday. and today i feel like shit. i guess it's a cold. i'm super congested and have a sore throat.
lila seems to be ok, thankfully.
needless to say i wont be taking her to the discovery green park opening or anything.
bleh.
today will be a slow, boring day. |
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(blind me)
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| urine saucer |
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| 12:05pm 11/04/2008 |
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This past week was lila's first week at the sitter's house. i'm off today because i have to go to the WIC office for lila's mid-point review.
yesterday when i picked lila up, her blankets smelled like piss. when i got home i realized SHE smelled like piss too. not human piss. dog piss. when i was changing her diaper and took off her shoes. her socks were wet. her feet reeked!! i had to throw her shoes out and throw her in the bathtub.
i let the sitter know.. she called me back to tell me she finally found the pee... at the bottome of the exersaucer. she apologized and offered to buy lila new shoes. i don't really care about the shoes. i just dont want this to happen again. i'll probably have to give lila a bath every day when we get home instead of every other day, like i usually do.
i think i want to go to that freedom green park grand opening thing on sunday. originally i wanted to do to the ktru outdoor show.. but i would be tempted to drink, and i don't drink when i am with lila. that's just a no-no. so i'll probably go to the park opening thing. she would probably like that better any way. |
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(blind me)
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| 07:40pm 03/04/2008 |
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woo.hoo.
i finally have internet again.
and alex is coming home very soon, so the girls will be off my hands. for good.!
carlos was allowed to come back into the country.
i wish i could trust him with the baby. then i wouldn't have to pay a sitter. but i can't trust someone who would ass rape his own wife. gawd.
Lila is beginning to understand the word "no". except that when i say it, she looks at me and... SMILES. |
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(4 needles in my eye | blind me)
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| houstonhatesus.com |
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| 08:36pm 29/03/2008 |
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i am so exhausted. i ended up not getting home until around 5 this morning. and then having to be up at 8 to take care of lila. i don't know how i've managed to stay awake.
i need to get lots of rest tonight. i'm working all day tomorrow.
i'm glad i went out last night. i saw some people i haven't seen in quite a while. including kevin. i'm glad he's doing well. i feel bad that i didn't make it to gaby and natasha's bang party. my car had a flat. grrr. it's all fixed now though :)
"dann benet" [as maggie says] still intimadates me. for several reasons: he's so damn cute. i'm sure he's far more interesting than me. and that hard-ass look he always has on his face... like he could cuss me out and punch me in the face at any given moment. even though i'm pretty positive he would never do anything like that. i wish i were that cool. damn.
Anna has a book on teaching babies sign language. i need to get it from her. i've been meaning to start teaching lila.. i use the sign for "water" and"baby" but that's all i know right now. it would be sweet if she started picking it up in a few months. i'm glad we're acquaintances. the last time we hung out we were talking about how many people in houston hate us, and why. it's nice to not be the only hated person in this town. |
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(blind me)
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| 02:04am 28/03/2008 |
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cigarettes fucking reek. why do i feel like the only person in this town that doesn't smoke?
and how come i don't mind it when my friends smoke, but it drives me nuts when a guy i date smokes, or someone in my family does? i don't get it.
i'd rather everyone smoke weed than cigarettes. haha. |
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(4 needles in my eye | blind me)
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| 02:25pm 26/03/2008 |
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Lila is stressing me out. she crawls now, and i am happy about that. but she is getting into everything.! and if she doesn't get something she wants she throws a fit. squirms. kicks. arches her back. cries. it gets to the point where i just put her in her play pen and leave the room. she'll cry for a few minutes and then either start playing with her toys, or go to sleep if she's tired.
i am looking for someone to watch her. i finally found a link with a lot of home daycares in my area. i collected some numbers and addresses. i need to start making calls but before i do i want to drive by a few of the places... maybe it's narrow minded but if the house looks like crap from the outside i don't even want to see the inside. that will help me narrow the list down. then i'll make the calls and inquire about fees. that will narrow it down even more, since i can't afford very much. and then hopefully i'll find someone who is accepting children right now and will treat lila well.
i'm nervous because she is hitting that bratty age and everyone handles it differently. i dont want to send her to someone who will hurt her physically. i know i'm being paranoid though so i try not to think about it.
Last night austin came by to spend some time with his god daughter.... i think he's glad she is finally active and crawing around.. he got on the floor to play with her.
and her nakey time... boy does she love her nakey time! just lika momma.
she is going to be so spoiled. how can i say no to that cute little thing? |
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(blind me)
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| taking out the trash |
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| 03:50pm 24/03/2008 |
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today i did some house cleaning. dropped luis and lance out of my life. i never really cared much for them to begin with but now i just can't stand them. and i don't need them for anything. so, bye bye.
in other news, LILA CRAWLS NOW!!! :D |
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(blind me)
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| 08:36pm 21/03/2008 |
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i haven't been this utterly exhausted in so long. ugh.
Last night i picked up anna, and we went to boondocks. then we went to GRAB because she wanted to see Balaclavas play. then we went to the mink for the rest of the night.
Since i scratched my cornea and it hurts like hell, i've been wearing my glasses. so last night i went for my "high school teacher that might seduce your son" look. apparently guys really do like that look. hmm. at the mink i was, as anna described it, "ambushed" by some people who wanted to try to hook me up with their friend, who was very shy. and apparently owns a beach.. ? he seemed nice but since i'm a bitch i lied and said i have a fiance. =\
johnny was high and kept touching me. i hate when people touch me. some dude with a fro came up to us and told me i was "so cute". grr. i am not cute!
lance texted me.. he wanted sex, apparently. so did i. after i took anna home i went to hang out with him and luis at luis's place. apparently they were digging the "new" look too. those kids are total perves. we drank merlot and i think luis took video of lance and i making out. i hope i'm wrong.
anyway finally around 4 or so lance and i drunkenly went at it. and didn't stop until 8 in the morning, when my alarm went off. so i got NO sleep last night.
ohyeah, Some girl gave him a bottle of wine.. . and then she was calling him because she wanted to hook up with him. i told him if she came over i would leave. i don't know why but i just wasn't in the mood to be around any new people. and i guess i was irritated that the only reason i went over there was to get some and she was trying to intrude on my right to get laid. when she showed up, i got my shit and left. luis chased me down, soon followed by lance, and then that girl left. i feel kind of bad for coming off as such a bitch.. but oh well.
i gotta be careful. lance is the only guy im sleeping with so i guess i got a little "protective" of "my" penis. even though i have no right to... we're not dating and i don't want to date him. .. it's still dangerous for me to feel like this... "protective" or whatever. but as long as i'm getting it when i want it, that's all that really matters :]
my internet is down because i didn't pay the bill...
i'm at my sister's house and the kids are watching sponge bob. i really hate this show. |
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| 08:59pm 20/03/2008 |
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she's getting teeth!! 2 at one time!
i was feeling her gums just now, to see if i felt any toothbuds.. and they're cutting.! her two front bottom teeth are coming in at the same time. no wonder she's been so bitchy lately. and she's really been gnawing on those bottle nipples.. i'm glad i'm not breastfeeding!! |
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sxsw |
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| 03:06pm 17/03/2008 |
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i hope everyone had a good terrible time in austin during sxsw.
i barely got to see my own daughter this past weekend. i woke up, fed/changed the baby, got dressed and left. came home to a sleeping baby. did it again sunday. when i got home sunday night she was still awake, but not for long. it was nice to finally see her. i sat on the floor next to her and she smiled and reached over to climb on me. then she got fussy because she was tired and i put her to bed.
so today we are just chillin'. we are both suffering from allergies. i gave her zyrtec but she's still a snot face! when she woke up from her nap she had dried up snot all around her nose, and i've pulled some MASSIVE boogers out of her little nostrils. it's amazing.
i hope we start feeling better soon because i really want to dress her up and take her to the park, and maybe take some pictures of her if she's in a good mood.
i wonder if i'll do anything tonight... i want to.. maybe i'll get drunk and tell a stranger all the reasons why i don't believe in monogamy. |
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| perfect |
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| 09:49pm 14/03/2008 |
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i'm getting sick. my throat is sore. i feel like shit. and i have to work all weekend. woohoo. |
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| 02:24pm 12/03/2008 |
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Lila has been acting weird/not feeling well lately.
yesterday she kept falling asleep every hour or so for about 15 minutes... something she doesn't usually do. then last night, around 7, she got a fever. i gave her infant acetamenaphin and she was fine.
today she has no fever, but she has been really fussy.
she also has been sleeping for the past 2.5 hours. i'm about to wake her up.. i hope she isn't cranky.
i hope she starts feeling better.
i was going to dress her up in her bear costume and take pictures, but now i can't because i would feel bad. maybe tomorrow. |
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