tennysonslady

I am blessed.

My gift, at 2.

This afternoon I learned about a two week old baby boy that needs a home. We crossed a few cities to see him only to find out that we would not be able to. Tomorrow we will try again.

It's the start of another process, and it will be exciting and nerve-wracking and hopefully successful in the end.

If this is it, then this is the best Valentine's gift ever. I hope this is God speaking to me.

I was going to get a six-month old. A little boy. I was thinking of names, planning my move to a new house. Fixing my finances to hire help.

This is my life lesson this week.

In adoption, the mother can change her mind any minute. The adoptive mother should accept it. She changed her mind and I have to accept that maybe this boy is not the baby that God intended for me.

This was actually too good to be true. I never heard any adoption story that got resolved in two months.

Those of you who drop me a note about this say you don't know me in person, just in fanfics. But I want you to know in this part of my life you know me more than the person I sit next to every day at work. This is something I can only talk about here where it's close to anonymous. This is a hard thing to go through. But this is my life.

Today I will pray for guidance and strength.

I hope you will join me in praying that whatever God's plan is for me--and know that I KNOW in my heart I was meant to love and take care of a child--will happen in its due time.

I want a baby.

I wish I could have a baby.

When I found out when I was 23 that I had a heart condition it took a while but I got over it.

Those magazines and all those internet articles say it's possible. Why do these specialists insist I shouldn't.

I want a baby so bad.

I can't believe this is how I'd grow up to become.

Rise Electric's song Drive is my LSS. It has been for a few weeks now.

Lukas sings,
"Why don't we drive? Why don't we drive away,
Because I'm feeling alive, I'm feeling alive today,
No I don't need another reason
No I don't need another reason
If the world should end tomorrow I'll be fine."

And when I ask myself if it's trur of me, I can honestly say that I'm somewhere between maybe and no.

Can I be fine when I know I haven't done one thing to anyone that makes me memorable?

The search for my essential has taken a nice turn when TL Adrian asked me again to go to his retreat next year. I put it off last year because of work, but it's going to happen this time around.

It should, or else I'm all talk.

He comes to me, almost every night, every day, passing by, visiting my dreams so fleetingly it seems like he haunts me. He is my picture perfect thing, my love denied. It's rare to find someone so wonderfully close to a dream that you would not dare touch him or linger because you're afraid he'll fly away.

It's pathetic really, when you can do all that you can and say all that you want to everyone else but him.

He's my untouchable *g*

he has proven time and again that he's an asshole. from every fucking thing he said to me that made me feel smaller and less of who i was, to every single comment he would make to his friends today.

and i keep on telling myself not to think he's an asshole because it would be better to be friends.

well... here is my release.

for his latest manipulative contortion of what happened only because he couldn't get what he wanted.

---, this is for you. i just pity you because i know you don't have the intellectual capacity to understand, you freak.

I will burn you
Like the smoldering edges of tissue
You will vanish
Leave trace ashes like you were
Never even there

I will blow you
Away
Like nothing
Nothing that touched me
Never been there

And you will die
In my head long gone
In my heart not even the whisper of a scar
And you will die

You kill yourself with every word
Whisper far from me
Far from me but so close to my ear
I shiver
Your breath is ice

Going through DVD9 discs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer I found two songs they used for their musical episode Once More With Feeling. I'm elated at the discovery. Hardly do you find meaningful original lyrics from teen shows. The last treasure find I had was from Roswell's third season. It was Maria's song "Breathe Again" from the ep Behind the Music. The song carried meaning that could probably relate to everyone. I adored the melody as well. There is something about Majandra Delfino that carries through even her underground rock ballads beyond Roswell. (Listen to The Sicks).

Breathe again - I'm livin' on your air tonight - never knowing when you'll cut it off - oh, you have a way - that makes it hard to sleep alone - and just when the dream gets good - you always seem to have to go - so - here I am - alone again - waiting for the story - to finally end - while the world spins around - it's out of my hands - don't even try - to understand - and I guess it's time to tell you - what you should already know - oh, you know - I'm better breathing on my own - all alone -

Buffy gave me two more memorable songs.

Going Through the Motions has a very Les Mis quality to it. Sarah Michelle Gellar sang it the way I remember Eponine sing "Don't fret, Monsieur Marius." The message is clear, and I don't know anyone who's been working for more than two years who has not felt this way. Ah and the fact that she's seeing about her "night job" should hit home. :)

Every single night the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight
Still, I always feel the strange estrangement
Nothing here is real,
Nothing here is right
I’ve been making shows of trading blows
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been

Going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart
I was always brave and kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering
Crawl out of your grave you'll find this fight
Just doesn't mean a thing
She ain't got that swing
Thanks for noticing
She does pretty well with fiends from hell
But lately, we can tell
That she's just

Going through the motions
Faking it somehow
She's not even half the girl she...
ow
Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavour
How can I repay?
Whatever
I don't want to be

Going through the motions
Losing all my drive
I can't even see
If this is really me
And I just wanna be
Alive

Rest in Peace has a classic rock sound. What else would you expect Joss Whedon to give James Marsters. James Marsters did not deliver it with as much aplomb as the rest of actors did with their respective songs but he did have a quiet intensity that suited the lyrics.

I died
So many years ago
You can make me feel
Like it isn't so
And why you come to be with me
I think I finally know
mmm-mmm

You're scared
Ashamed of what you feel
And you can't tell the ones you love
You know they couldn't deal
Whisper in a dead man's ear
It doesn't make it real
That's great

But I don't wanna play
'Cause being with you touches me
More than I can say
And since I’m only dead to you
I’m saying stay away and
Let me rest in peace

Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take my love and bury it
In a hole 6-foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't find my, sweet release
So let me rest in peace

You know,
You got a willing slave
You just love to play the thought
That you might misbehave
Till you do,
I'm telling you
Stop visiting my grave
Let me rest in peace

I know I should go
But I follow you like a man possessed
There's a traitor here beneath my breast
And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest
but I can see you're unimpressed
So leave me be and

Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take my love and bury it
Im a hole 6-foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't find my sweet release
Let me rest in peace
Why won't you
Let me rest in peace?

This was by far my most favorite out of the song-packed hour. It's very "Used to Love Her"-ish. Wonderful!

So I'm 24 and it's time to really think about life. (Not like I haven't been doing that since I was five but heck...)

So these are my choices: get a car, invest in a house in a town so far I'd wish I had a car to go to work, put down money for a condominium that's gonna be worthless in 50 years, or place a small amount towards getting a master's degree then place the rest in a small business. Like most of the other decisions in my life, I will most likely create charts and studies that will tell me conclusively what to do.

I'm leaning towards a master's degree instead. It's pretty expensive for something additional but I bet it's going to help. That means I'll have to wait a few more months for the car since the grad school deadline is in a month.

~~

Five days of vacation!!! Spent some in Bicol and now I have a kickass picture of me and Mayon Volcano (blow my mind :P hehe)

I miss my desk. It's hard work to stay away from work but my leaves are expiring. I go back to work tonight for a team meeting. My manager told me I'm not facilitating Batch 7 and I'm sooo disappointed. I'm just going to be a sitting lump in the corner auditing people the way I did with Cust Care. Booyah. It's not an enjoyable job. I keep falling asleep.

I miss everyone. Okay, not everyone. *g*

~~

Used to write poems during Chem class. Thought I'd lost them all. Then someone IMed me an entire poem he wrote and I found myself exchanging old and new poems with him. Feels good to go back to your roots.

Crystal clear droplets falling on my face
No one around to see my pain
Alone reminiscing in this special place
I stand beneath the rain.

I think I'm going to have to start crawling into my sister's attic so I can find the old Lingua Franca publications that contain my old works. Now off to brave the dust...

~~

Ei... I wish I knew how to edit friendster blogs. My friendster blog is so much uglier than my livejournal.

People say that there is freedom in release. I’ve always known about that freedom. I’ve believed that it’s shallow. In school when I took Creative Writing, everyone exposited about their lives and their loves and I snickered inside because I believed that letting it all out in front of so many people was pretentious and weak. So I took science fiction fantasy.

And I was sad.

Once I was in the supermarket shopping with my mom and I cried, and I didn’t know why. I was in high school science lab years ago and I cried, and I didn’t know why. Then sometimes I’m right in the middle of class, talking about something as cold as diagnostics tests run on RAM when I’m suddenly possessed with the urge to cry. And I realize I’m a sad girl.

Now given that I don’t know why I’m so sad when I smile all the time, I suppose I’d better change things up and shed the cloak of anonymity, take out time from the hours I spend writing fiction under a pen name and do what I don’t do… and through other people were silly doing.

I’m going to write under my own name and talk about the most simplistic topic of all—my life. Maybe I’m going to shave off some sadness then. At best, it’s going to fix me. At the least, then I can practice my typing skills because I give it all up and just be my version of happy again.

Right now I’m halfway through the page and I want so badly to scroll back up and check my sentences so I can monitor how literary my essay is but I’m not going to. First rule of blogging, my friends who blog say, is to just let it flow. So I’ll let it go. Ha.

I want to find an essential. I want my life to find its essential.

I don’t know what it is. I’m not sure I’ll even recognize it when I find it. I hope I do. Everything’s just so shallow that maybe that’s why I’ve always been a little sad inside. I keep trying to find that something essential in my life that in college I’ve tried joining groups that helped streetchildren; I’ve gone and campaigned for literacy on campus; I’ve promoted foreign language movies for the sake of culture; I’ve even attended bible studies.

God, I want to find an essential but nothing’s working.

Recently I thought that maybe it’s because I’ve gone so much into the corporate world that I feel like I have no essential. My goal had always been to volunteer to teach children in wartorn countries. Weird and stupid, they all told me. So I opted to stay here and teach kids instead. Then you grow up and realize that the real world demands more. And I exchanged my dream for something practical. And then this world sucked me in and I got good at Excel and all the things that go with being here. Guess I lost my art.

I bought myself art supplies again to replace the ones that have gone too tough and hard out of neglect. I’m painting again. I’m sketching again. Pastels and oils and graphite and charcoal and watercolors. I’m making tremendously colorful pictures. It doesn’t feel essential yet, but I’m happy looking at the product.

I wonder if everyone can say that he or she has an essential in his life. I know so many people who have kids and they’re so happy I’m sure their kids are their essential. I went through a phase in which I thought maybe that could be my essential and it’s just not time. But then I’ve met maybe 6 people who have kids and aren’t happy at all. And there are also those who don’t have kids and are still happier than I’ve been.

Sometimes I think maybe going back to church will answer all of my questions. Sometimes I think so many unhappy people attend church every week, so it’s not a surefire solution. But then I am faced with this cold dread inside me that I will probably lose most of the ache I feel if I did find my religion again. I’m kind of afraid. I guess I haven’t gone to Church since after my dad died. He went into a coma a little before my eighteenth birthday and died a little after. That makes it six years that I haven’t gone. I don’t know if I’m ready, but when I think about that empty part where my essential is supposed to be, I get nervous because I think maybe that might be the reason.

I wonder when I’ll be ready to face it again.