I've figured out what it is that would make me perfectly happy.
What it would take for me to be at peace and calm and at one with... things.
If I woke up between Mike and Peter, and somewhat in the arms of both... I'd be so happy. There are few things I love more than sleeping, and there are also things I love more than them. Put them together, combined with the lovely feeling of waking up in someone's arms... and there's almost nothing I can imagine that would be better, short of sudden bucolic domesticity.
I love those boys so much, and sometimes I think they don't really know how much they mean to me. Sometimes I doubt how far Mike would go to save me. Sometimes I wonder if Peter would visit me in the hospital. Sometimes I think that their lives would be better without me...
And then I have a five minute conversation with Peter over AIM and I feel better about him going off to kill Bambi. I'm still worried, but not so much. I still don't like the idea of him out there in the woods with people shooting and whatnot, but if he gets joy from it.. then I guess it's okay.
I'll be sitting at home and damn near crying because I think that Mike is angry with me again, and then he'll call and we'll talk and laugh and yell and ultimately I'll feel as loved by him as I ever have... which is quite a bit.
And also Steve.
God, how I love that boy. How much love he gives to me, and so freely... I don't know what I'd do without him in my life, honestly. He's one of the few that can give me a hug or a word or even a glance and I know he's got my back, come hell fire and brimstone.
This is not to discount the loyalty or fierceness of Peter or Mike, but... with them, it's more hidden. Steve wears it on his sleeve, and intentionally so. Just last night he told me he'd love me for the rest of his life... and whether or not that will come to pass, I know he believes it. Mike has told me he'd "kill or die in an instant", and Peter talks about the "constant contact" we'll all be in after high school, but Steve...
I don't know. When he says it, he says it with his entire soul.
God, I love my boys. I love them so much. If I could live with them, our home would be a complete mess and totally a sty, but.. I'd be happy just to wake up and see them. To eat with them. To say goodnight and have it not be through the net, but through air. Across the room, across the bed. To know that if I need some comfort, they'll be right there.
You know, I could go domestic if it meant rooming with them... and that says a lot coming from the self-professed Feminazi I am...
What it would take for me to be at peace and calm and at one with... things.
If I woke up between Mike and Peter, and somewhat in the arms of both... I'd be so happy. There are few things I love more than sleeping, and there are also things I love more than them. Put them together, combined with the lovely feeling of waking up in someone's arms... and there's almost nothing I can imagine that would be better, short of sudden bucolic domesticity.
I love those boys so much, and sometimes I think they don't really know how much they mean to me. Sometimes I doubt how far Mike would go to save me. Sometimes I wonder if Peter would visit me in the hospital. Sometimes I think that their lives would be better without me...
And then I have a five minute conversation with Peter over AIM and I feel better about him going off to kill Bambi. I'm still worried, but not so much. I still don't like the idea of him out there in the woods with people shooting and whatnot, but if he gets joy from it.. then I guess it's okay.
I'll be sitting at home and damn near crying because I think that Mike is angry with me again, and then he'll call and we'll talk and laugh and yell and ultimately I'll feel as loved by him as I ever have... which is quite a bit.
And also Steve.
God, how I love that boy. How much love he gives to me, and so freely... I don't know what I'd do without him in my life, honestly. He's one of the few that can give me a hug or a word or even a glance and I know he's got my back, come hell fire and brimstone.
This is not to discount the loyalty or fierceness of Peter or Mike, but... with them, it's more hidden. Steve wears it on his sleeve, and intentionally so. Just last night he told me he'd love me for the rest of his life... and whether or not that will come to pass, I know he believes it. Mike has told me he'd "kill or die in an instant", and Peter talks about the "constant contact" we'll all be in after high school, but Steve...
I don't know. When he says it, he says it with his entire soul.
God, I love my boys. I love them so much. If I could live with them, our home would be a complete mess and totally a sty, but.. I'd be happy just to wake up and see them. To eat with them. To say goodnight and have it not be through the net, but through air. Across the room, across the bed. To know that if I need some comfort, they'll be right there.
You know, I could go domestic if it meant rooming with them... and that says a lot coming from the self-professed Feminazi I am...
