Oh, hi.

So it's been almost a year since I last updated this. I'm sorry. (Happy belated one year birthday to this blog, by the way!) Quite a few things happened along the way...

I turned 21 years old. This probably doesn't mean a lot to you, but it meant a few things for me.


First, I had probably the best birthday party of my life. Aside from the fact that I have NO DECENT PICTURES OF ME WEARING THE DRESS I WORKED ON FOR THREE MONTHS, my birthday was absolutely wonderful. I got to eat delicious food, have the presence of great friends, watchi the movie Stardust, play an awesome kickass game of Apples to Apples (which included me being drunk and screaming out "CHEST HAIR! CHEST HAIR!"), and watched the Orionids meteor shower. It was an amazing night that I'll never forget.

What my 21st birthday also meant was that I was no longer covered for therapy. (If you aren't aware, I've suffered chronic depression, aka dysthymia, for the majority of my life.) Long story short, I was part of a clinic for teens, and thanks to the lack of affordable health care, I no longer was insured for therapy.

After that, I was bounced around, back and forth, between a few different clinics until finally the phone calls stopped. People stopped caring, I stopped caring, and my depression became something that was a low priority to everyone else in the world. And my depression became the worst it's been in my entire life.

I don't know how I got through it. I still don't. I'm still trying to get through it and I barely can. I wasn't able to pass my classes last Fall semester, and ended up signing Incomplete contracts for all of them. Although I was supposed to apply to transfer, I had so much anxiety and depression that I couldn't finish my applications. I got sick a lot, mostly due to stress, and was absent for class almost every other week. I started having almost daily breakdowns every day, and I constantly asked myself, "What am I doing with my life?" My winter holidays were terrible and I spent a lot of time crying and fighting off the urge to self-harm.

I... really don't know how I'm still here, sometimes.


There are a few good sides to the last year though. Andres and I celebrated our first year anniversary. It's kind of crazy, when I think about it. We still love each other just as much - if not more - than we did when we first met. One of the presents I gave him was this beautiful guitar pick from Spiffing Jewelry, which he now wears around his neck as a necklace ♥


Right before that, we celebrated his birthday and I made him one of my biggest projects yet: a giant quilt with dinosaur print fabric, and embroidered corners with little messages like this one.

A few of the other happy things that happened this last year were that I became the co-founder, vice-president, and eventually president of the Linguistics Society, a linguistics club on campus; I got a second job as a linguistics tutor; and I finally bought a Nintendo DS Lite, which I've been fawning over for years but have never had the guts to buy until now. I also have been planning to buy a pet button quail, which I am extremely excited about since they're absolutely adorable and charming animals.

You're probably wondering right about now... what about my journaling?

Depression is a vicious, time-consuming, confidence-eating creature. It's taken away a lot of my willpower and drive to get things done, and I regret to admit that I haven't been journaling as much.

But! I am excited to mention a few things:


Along with my best friend Peter, I am one of almost 25,000 sketchbooks in the 2012 Sketchbook Project tour this year! Like my happy thought journal, this sketchbook documents a lot of my thoughts... some happy, some not so much. A lot of it has to do with my personal journey dealing with dysthymia, and I'm very proud of my work as well as thankful to Art House Co-op for giving me the chance to share my story. I'll be appearing at the Los Angeles stop as well as the San Francisco pop-up shop sometime in June! I plan to document both events and I'm equally excited for both. The Los Angeles stop of the Sketchbook Project tour is on May 25th and 26th so I hope to see you there!


For our one year anniversary, I also drew Andres a wonderful little boyfriend book. Although I finished the majority of this little 32 page notebook, I regret not being able to finish the last 9 pages (!!!) in time for my anniversary ): I promise to finish it soon and share some of my favorite pages here.

I plan to take this upcoming summer off for a much needed break after taking four semesters straight with very little breaks. I am working on a few other things which I hope to share soon! With the hopeful arrival of my new quail, I plan to start up a blog for quail keeping, since it's not a very common thing. I'm planning out two projects right now that are in the works and a bit more fandom related, but I will probably involve joining Camp NaNoWriMo. I'm hoping to create a website as my portfolio, for not only my art, but linguistics, writing, and teaching as well. And hopefully, the break will help with the depression and constant stress, and maybe I can go back to drawing and writing down happy thoughts... simple ones, most likely, but reminders of the little happy things in life all the same.

I can't promise weekly updates right now, but I do promise updates sometime soon! They'll be amazing, I promise :)

So I've always really liked Kenya. It's one of those Flash films of my teenage years, like Numa Numa and Mango and The Evolution of Dance and the YES dance.

I found out today that there's a remix of Kenya. IT'S SO CUTE asdfasdfasfda!! ♥ YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT!



Kenya believe iiiiiiit, Kenya!

I really suck at this blogging thing these days. I'm actually really bad at this whole productivity thing, since it's taken me three hours to decide what I want to do today. (I also really suck at making decisions these days.)

Here are a few things that have made me happy the last few days that I've been up to since my trip to Universal Studios...

Taking pictures around LA. Photography is a guilty pleasure of mine and the other day, while I was in LA paying off another overdue library fine, I walked around on my own and took a few pictures with the camera that my sister recently gave me.


I LOVE having a camera again and just being able to take snapshots of where I've been :)

Stardust by Neil Gaiman. My friend Riss told me about the movie based on this novel, and after poking around to see what it was about I decided to buy it (along with $60 dollars worth of other books at a Borders going out of business). It's an AMAZING story, I couldn't put it down. I actually brought it with me while I was in LA and any point where I wasn't taking pictures or walking around, I was reading that book. I love it and I can't wait to watch the movie someday!


Lastly, I'm excited about this - the first annual Los Angeles International Tea Festival! It's such an amazing coincidence to me that as I was shopping for teas yesterday, I found out about this gem of an event. I'm really excited to go, especially since I've been meaning to go back to Chado Tea Room for their afternoon tea! I'm really excited and hoping to bring home some nice teas for my 21st birthday party that I'm planning. (I'm definitely thinking Birthday Blend and White Raspberry Champagne, heh xP) I'm not entirely sure when I'm going or who I'm going with still, but I'm sure it'll be a blast!

So tomorrow I'm going to Universal Studios Hollywood with Lanie, who is all kinds of awesome because we do awesome things together like giggle over angry cockatoo videos, karaoke the theme from Robot Unicorn Attack, and be horribly amused when we flip our favorite plushies of Goofy and Donald upside down. She also confirms my feelings that our Anthropology professor is someone worth having nightmares about, which is exactly why she's my best friend. (Yeah, don't ask.) And since a few days ago was her birthday we're going to have an awesome adventure at Universal Studios since neither of us have been in ages.

After that I have things to deal with like overdue library fines for two libraries (ouch), driving lessons, enjoying my summer, and snogging my boyfriend. So, um, I might be a little busy.

In the mean time, For the Love of Birds is the blog I found that angry cockatoo video at. It is extremely adorable, especially if you love birds like I do! One of my all time favorite pictures from that blog is this one:

Okay, so I've kind of hemmed and hawed about writing this entry for a while because I honestly hate being the person who does this sort of thing, but you know what? I think today I'll go ahead and be the person I hate because I'm really freaking happy as of yesterday night.

Speaking of yesterday night - I was supposed to post Wednesday, right? Well, finals are killer. Enough said. I was going to post yesterday night after my finals for Wednesday's post, but I got awfully distracted by other things, like spending a few more hours with my nieces before they and my sister went back to Hong Kong.

I was also awfully distracted by the fact that after my sister and her family drove off to the airport (and that coincidentally, right before she left she gave Andres her blessing), on August 4th I was finally asked to be Andres's girlfriend.

This of course prompted a gasped "REALLY?" response from me that sounded like I was practically hyperventilating. I wouldn't be surprised if Andres was laughing on the inside but I was too shocked to notice because the guy I've been dating for FIVE MONTHS finally asked me to be his girlfriend.

This is the part where I become the person I hate, by the way. Because I don't generally gush about these things. Generally although my relationships have made me happy, I hate gushing and squealing and letting myself be head over heels.

But I am. And I wouldn't change it for anything. Because five months of dating later I still feel like the girl who just noticed a cute boy in her linguistics class and got a tummy full of butterflies. I'm still the girl who's shocked and smiling like an idiot to have someone like him in my life. I feel everything I felt when I admitted to myself that I was falling in love and more.

I'm sure some of you may be thinking "But Kay, weren't you two basically already together?" and I will tell you to shut up with the sweetest little smile on my face. Because what makes me happy is that we've both been committed enough to each other and ourselves to be patient because we really do care about each other. To either of us this isn't the same as any other relationship we've ever been in, we've treated it so delicately. We didn't want to rush into anything that we didn't feel like was worth it, and even if it worried me sometimes I know it made things between us that much better. And I'd like to think that this really solidifies that this is worth it. Five months later feels like forever and yesterday for us all at the same time, and somewhere in my crazy fluttering little heart of mine I know it can only get better from here.



By the way, I said yes of course :P And I hope next year he asks me "how about another year?" and asks me every year after that, because I know I'll say yes. Every single time.

So one of my awesome older sisters sent me this little gem of a link.

This video is basically everything I wish I could be and how I want to live my life. My life is insane (a good sample of that is the situation I described in my returning post that I've been living in for the last month) as well as dealing with things like depression, trust issues, my life in and out of therapy and well-hidden breakdowns most people don't know about. And yet I want to be happy and I fight for my right to be happy in my life and shout that out to the world rather than dwelling on the negativity. I want to do equally awesome things as The Bloggess has like stage zombie apocalypses and buying giant metal chickens named Beyonce.



And I have for the most part, ever since I've started this blog. To name off some really awesome random things that I've done since this blog started (some of which I'll talk about more in full detail when I get there!),

-I opened up wholeheartedly to someone I just met within a day.
-I hung out on a set of stairs in the middle of downtown LA barefoot with two of my friends.
-I've discovered what the interior of the boys bathroom is like! I really don't want to talk about the circumstances of how I did though. *cough*
-I ate dessert first and dinner second.
-I went to see my first Broadway show.
-I had a tickle fight in the student lounge.
-I jumped on a trampoline with a bunch of little kids in a park.
-I slow danced in my backyard like a princess.
-I went to my third prom.
-I started planning on having a tea party for my 21st birthday.
-I drew myself as a stingray mermaid.
-I went clubbing for the first time.
-I woke up and watched Saturday morning cartoons at age 20.

And really, this list is just the beginning. As Andres has mentioned, I am an adventure - and I'm not through yet ;P

Hey guys! Happy Happiness Happens Month! Yes, really, there is such a thing :)

So I suppose you're wondering where I fell off the face of the planet to. Well, long story short, life got kinda crazy again - as in 10 people living under one three-bedroom roof (two of them being my adorable but extremely active nieces), school stress from being in public speaking boot camp a summer speech class, well hidden emotional breakdowns that I for the most part kept to myself.

Fortunately things are getting better and I'm coming around to celebrate my last month of summer soon as well as the end of my summer class! So I'm hoping to come back to journaling.

However, since this week is a major killer (as in three speeches in one week killer, as well as me wanting to spend time with my sister and her family before she goes back to Hong Kong), I'm going to have to probably start drawing at the end of this week. Since it IS Happiness Happens month though, to celebrate I'll just post a few things I'd like to share that make me happy for Monday, Wednesday, and Friday until I can start posting regularly again :) (And I might start whipping these out instead of having to put an actual pause on my journaling from now on...)

So until next week, I hope you enjoy these little random happy thoughts!

37. Charles and Emma Darwin.
_{Tangent: Before I continue, I should mention - Emma's dress in this picture is extremely inspired by this painting by Franz Winterhalter as well as this historical interpretation of Cinderella. Charles himself probably looks nothing like the Darwin you're used to seeing because 1) he's not a Santa lookalike and 2) the one portrait I found of him when he was younger made him look bald, and so I tried to use a mixture of that picture, Henry Ian Cusick's portrayal of him from Darwin's Darkest Hour, and Paul Bettany's portrayal from the movie Creation.}

So when I was taking Physical Anthropology, I had to learn about evolution and, obviously, Charles Darwin. I honestly had never thought of Darwin as anyone particularly interesting until my professor had mentioned his marriage to Emma Wedgwood.

And then I became hooked. The more I read about Charles Darwin for class, the more fascinated I became and the more I fell in love with him. Charles Darwin went from being just some scientist who came up with the theory of natural selection to being one of my alltime favorite people and scientists, right up there next to Noam Chomsky. It didn't help when I had to do a research paper on the evolution of language and its acquisition and I read The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex. Because then I read his idea of the "musical protolanguage" and I was completely enamoured because Darwin is the reason why linguists are now able to be considered credible as scientists.

But the one thing that made Darwin become real to me was his marriage to his wife. Charles - the ever curious, ever scientific, father of natural selection and evolution that he is - at first struggled with the idea of marriage and even wrote a LIST of reasons why he should and shouldn't marry. Under the "to not marry" reasons, he wrote "children", "can't travel", "less money for books", and "terrible loss of time. Under "to marry" were the reasons "more money for books" and "better than a dog, anyhow".

But then if I married tomorrow: there would be an infinity of trouble & expense in getting & furnishing a house,—fighting about no Society—morning calls—awkwardness—loss of time every day.

Charles eventually proposed and fell in love, in that order, with Emma Wedgwood. However, Emma was a devout Unitarian. Although Charles had originally gone to school to become a clergymen, by the time he stepped off the HMS Beagle his opinion of God had already changed. Prior to their marriage they struggled with this question of religion a lot, and it was the subject of many of their letters.

Still, they had a good marriage. They had 10 children together, and coped through the death of three of them. They loved each other so dearly that I can't help but just love them - Charles has written some surprisingly poetic things about his own dear wife that I can relate to very much. Before they married, he once wrote in a letter,

My own dear Emma, I kiss the hands with all humbleness and gratitude, which have so filled up for me the cup of happiness -- It is my most earnest wish I may make myself worthy of you... Most affectionately yours, Chas. Darwin.

At their wedding, he said this, which I honestly think one day I'll end up using this quote at my own wedding because it rings so true to me as well:

"Excuse this much egotism, I give it to you, because I think you will humanise me, and soon teach me there is greater happiness, than building theories and accumulating facts in silence and solitude."

And one of the most poignant quotes from Emma's letters, to me, is this:

Everything that concerns you concerns me and I should be most unhappy if I thought we did not belong to each other for ever.

Not long ago I read Charles and Emma: The Darwins' Leap of Faith by Deborah Heiligman, which is a really good biography which focuses on their marriage and devotion to each other, through the publication of On the Origin of Species to both of their deaths. It is an extremely good book and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to see the more human side of these two. One of the most memorable parts is near the end of the book, when Heligman describes Charles' death.

As he slipped away slowly into unconsciousness, he told her what he had said many times before, what she already knew, but what he had to say again: "Remember what a good wife you have been to me."

I in general can't help but look up to both of them. I love these two so very, very dearly and look to them as an example of a love we should really admire. Darwin himself - the scientist, the observer, and the surprising writer and artist - is someone I relate to a lot in many different aspects and has been a huge inspiration for my work on language acquisition as well. I hope to one day become a scientist worthy of his praise and to find a love as beautiful as Charles and Emma. ♥

38. Meeting Andres' dad and little brother for the first time.
This is a lot more thrilling to me than most people would understand, so bear with me XD

A while back I had mentioned to Andres one of my insecurities from my last relationship was that I never, ever met my ex's family or friends. This really upset me because even though my ex had been a part of my life for six months and wanted to be in a very serious relationship (as in staying together forever and getting married serious) with me and had met all of my friends and family, I never once met the people in his life that were important.

Unfortunately, this turned up during a fight the two of us had, so it wasn't necessarily one of the best times to bring it up.

Fortunately, Andres actually kept this in mind because not long after I met his dad and little brother for the first time when they gave me a ride home. I ended up bonding with Armand in the backseat over a Pokemon guide he had, and spent the whole time talking about Pokemon Platinum haha. But it made me really glad - Andres' family are really, really nice people and it meant a lot to me to actually meet them. I was smiling the whole way home.

40. Cooking green beans with onions, tomatoes, lemon, and butter.


I actually learned this recipe from one of my favorite blogs, Smitten Kitchen. The haricot vert recipe is so simple, easy, and delicious and I LOVE it. In general I really love to eat green beans, and this recipe is no exception. I sadly always end up using onions instead of shallots because I end up having onions on hand more often than shallots, but it's still just as delicious. It's definitely worth a try!

Urgh, I know, these are all really late. What's worse is that I'm still not done drawing today's page (this is why I hate not having a buffer) but I'll go ahead and post these for now, today's will be up late tonight.


36. Finishing my inked drawing based on Toto's "Africa" AND winning first place in my category in the California's International Order of the Rainbow for Girls Grand Assembly Arts and Crafts competition.

Woo, this one is a mouthful that needs a lot of explaining.

First of all, back in April I finished this gorgeous drawing:


_{Click for a larger view}
This is probably one of the most impressive things I have drawn to date. I don't think I've ever worked as long (the majority of it was done in about two weeks, but it took about a month total), did as much research (on Africa, African clothing, how to draw trees and rivers, the angel's wings which are based on an African cuckoo hawk, and inking techniques in general), and inked as impressively as this. It was inspired by two works from my favorite artist Rose Besch, Sakurai and Hanami, as well as Toto's song "Africa" of course. In particular, the angel in this drawing is based on this verse:

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in twelve-thirty flight
Her moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
In short, I'm incredibly proud of this drawing.

I actually did it as an entry for an Arts & Crafts competition. See, I'm part of a Masonic youth service organization called The International Order of the Rainbow for Girls, also known as Rainbow or IORG for short. What that basically means is that I'm part of a sorority for girls between the ages of 11 and 20 dedicated to doing service in the community. It's not as well known as other service groups, i.e. Key Club or Leo international, but it is part of Masonic family. Rainbow has been a huge part of my life for various reasons, but one of the biggest ones are that I was able to find sisters who were close to my age who loved me for who I was. I am extremely indebted to Rainbow for the skills it also taught me in order to become a strong leader and public speaker and to gain grace and poise. I'm proud to be a Past Worthy Advisor of San Fernando assembly number #223 in California International Order of the Rainbow for Girls, and I hope to soon be a member of the Order of the Eastern Star as well.



Since Rainbow is an international organization as well as found statewide, most juristictions have a yearly gathering known as Grand Assembly. If you're wondering why in this picture I look nothing like I do normally, it's because for Grand Assembly I was part of the Grand Choir, and that was part of the uniform - hairpiece, hairbow and blue glittery dresses like the sea. Since this is my last year in Rainbow, I wanted to do as much as I possibly could during Grand Assembly. I participated in Grand Choir, ritual competition (a public speaking competition based on memorised work), and the Arts & Crafts competition.

And I won first place in the Watercolor, Pencil, and Ink paintings category for my age group! It was really, really exciting, I've actually never been recognised for my artwork before. I was smiling the entire time so much that it hurt, I was that happy to receive such an honor.


_{Ignore the really strange angle - but look at that smile!}
I'm really sad to say I'm not as active in Rainbow as I was at the time of Grand Assembly ): Not long after school stress got EXTREMELY unbearable, to the point where I also quit my job at Reading Partners. . Rainbow has been on the backburner for me and I hope that later in the summer when everything is a little more manageable that I can go to more Rainbow events... but I'm so proud to be a Rainbow girl that it'll always have a place in my heart.

"When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth."
(Genesis 9:16)



If you'd like to learn more about The International Order of the Rainbow for Girls, visit their website to learn more about how to get involved! I'm not promoting Rainbow because I'm being paid or because I have to or anything like that, but because I think being part of the Masonic family is an amazing experience that's really worth looking into!

Last night was probably one of the most emotional nights I've had in a while.

I say this not to blab about that but because I realise how unfair it is that I have this project - this project where I'm meant to be sharing the things that make me happy to help me to be a happier person - but I keep trying to post daily when I'm not happy, which ultimately stresses me out a little more than it should. My life is difficult as it is at the moment and I'm trying to keep it as stable as possible, but at this very moment that is a struggle for me to accomplish. I can't have happy days every single day and that's just the way life is, and I can accept that, but to be using this as a reminder of why I should be happy and yet trying to blog when I'm not just seems... really counter-intuitive.

If this were my personal blog, I could do that perfectly fine because that blog is for both the ups and the downs. But this is just for the happy things, and I want to keep it that way from now on. I don't need the $50 as much as I want to keep blogging the things that I want to keep blogging. (Plus, one REALLY happy thing is that I finally got paid for getting my official tutor certification from the National Tutoring Association, so now my bank account isn't wailing at me anymore!)

So I'm resigning for NaBloPoMo for now. I'll still be updating this blog Monday, Wednesday, Friday - tomorrow will have a double post to make up for Monday - but the constant blogging just isn't working, especially when this is an art blog and I need the time to work on things. Maybe I'll try again in November or December - a month of (pre-planned, pre-written, pre-drawn) happy things to post, perhaps? - but just not at this moment.



To end on a happy note: I'm okay now, things are a lot better from what I can tell. And I'm really lucky to be with someone who will take me as I am and who I adore for everything he is... even if we both struggle with that fact.



Inhale, breathe steady, exhale,
Like you're ready, if you're ready or not.
Just a boy and a girl gonna to take on the world,
And we want to get caught
in the middle of a very happy ending,
Let's see what we've got, let's give it a shot
Let's give it a shot...