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[3.22.04
@ 3:04am] |
My trip home was really great. I was so happy to see all my friends, I felt like I had never left. It was strange because for some reason I just felt so much closer to everyone. It was different than last time I was home. I guess absense does make the heart grow fonder. The first night I was home I tripped on 2ci and went to a party which actually wasn't a party, but all my friends in a house. I had no idea what was going on the whole time and that trip affected my whole week. After I tripped I completely forgot what it was like to be in California and I also felt terrible for not writing to Ally. Every time I leave and come back things are so different between my friends. This time Lyndsey had joined the group and her and Pete were flirting. When I left Pete and Fawna got together. it's so fucking weird.
I threw a party on the last night I was home. I asked my sister's boyfriend's friend to get us booze and he fucking mushed me. He tried to say the someone stole the money from his hand and ran away. Fucking loser... then we had to call up my sister's boyfriend to set this kid straight and he stuck to his story, but we knew he was lying because he said the kid ran out of the store and I was watching the store the whole time. No one ran out of that fucking store. Not even him. Whatever tho... my sister's b/f gave us our money back. Then I took some 2cd and made my friends dave, frank, and jimmy from high school come over with some booze. I didn't even drink it though. Once lauren got a hold of that thing it was all gone. I escaped my house for a bit to go smoke with them. it was so awkward. all I could think was what big geeks these kids were. They had this little room in the garage that they had all set up and ready for smoking in. I love those kids but it just gave me the strangest feeling. I felt like I could already predict their futures. Like one day when the grow up they'll reminice about that room and all the good times they had in Medford, but they will have never left Medford. It made me sad and uncomfortable, I felt like I was invading on something, or someplace that I wasnt supposed to be.
On Friday night I was supposed to get wasted, but I failed again. The 2cd didnt work so I took a shitload of my friends to this party. I had planned on getting drunk there, but like 15 mins after we were there pete and tim got all my friends kicked out cuz they were sniffing shit on a table (idiots). We all had to leave the party... it was a crowded shitty party in a tiny apartment anyway. It kind of sucked. I saw Marie. I'm really kind of sick of her. I'm convinced that she's delusional about knowing Incubus and I dont really care to much about being her friend after she ditched me when she was supposed to take me to see 311 and she never showed up for my going away party. She can fuck off for all I care, she really has proven herself to be a terrible friend to me.
I got to see Robb for like 30 mins. I dont really know what's up with him but I cant tell if he actually likes me as a person or if he only keeps in contact with me for exactly that reason, because I'm a contact. Plus he knows he can sell shit to me.
Monday night when Mari came to Mass., me, Mari, Charlie, James, Lyndsey, Dave, and Lauren went to the aquarium... then we played hide and seek in my house. Me and Lauren had the best hiding spot in the dog cage. We took a haunted basement tour. It was funny... everyone freaked out. We stayed up all night and in the morning we went to Bickford's and got breakfast. It was a really good time.
Tuesday my mother took me, Mari, Dan, and Ben around boston. Then I took then to 40 steps. We went back to my house and had ravioli's. Then we picked up james and went to northeastern to meet dan's gf, Amelia. Amelia was nice, so was her roommate. Afterwards, me, mari, and james went to penny lane. I can't even go near that place anymore, it freaks me out. I dont even remember what happened wednesday and thursday right now, but yeah.. it was a really good time.
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[3.2.04
@ 12:20am] |
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I cant deal with my crazy hometown. When I hear stories from my friends of what they've been up to I get a little jealous because I wish I was there. But then there are the times when I'll talk to my friends and all they have to talk about is stupid hometown drama and I am so thankful I'm here and not there. Today I got in a fight with one of my friends from home. She brought up some stupid shit from the past and refused to take any resposibility for her actions. Then she hung up on me. Why the fuck do I even bother with these people if they cant even take the time to work out these differences that we have. Why do I bother to think that they'll ever grow up and join me outside of medford or even choose to take on a new life of their own? I wish they would just leave that awful place and discover life for themselves. I wish they would leave the safety of their friends and their past and get out and explore... grow up a bit and cut the drama. I want to get away from that but whenever I'm around them I just turm back into my old self. I cant get away from the stupid pointless shit that keeps our lives seemningly important when we all know our lives are meaningless. I love my friends from home so much but I wish that they would grow up a bit and have something more important to tell me then how they got fucked up last night. I'm excite about going to see everyone but I know that it's just going to turn into some sort of drama or disaster. It always does, someone always gets angry about something or someone's not speaking to someone else or i'll get into a fight with someone. It sucks so bad. Why cant we ever just all get along? Why cant things just ever work out the way I want them to? That's a stupid question, I know, but I can always wish cant I?
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[2.26.04
@ 3:12am] |
I had a photography critique today and some bitch in my glass was like "wow, you can totally tell the age of the person who took these pictures by the people she hangs out with". That stupid bitch is 28 and acts likes shes 14, who the hell does she think she is? I'm so fucking sick of people who think that people who are younger are automatically invalid and the way they live or see things is unimportant and just juvenile. I hate being looked down on. I'm not mean to these people, I dont understand why they cant just treat me with respect. How the hell are you going to laugh at someone's artwork behind their back? Now that's juvenile.
I hate being in college. I hate being forced to do work that doesnt interest me. I wish that I could just learn what I wanted, the way I wanted without wasting my parents money. I'm seriously considering transering schools. I need a change. I've decided to definately move to Canada if Bush is re-elected. Either Canada or Europe. I'd love to go to England or Ireland. But I refuse to stay here if a man if such obvious stupidity is re-elected to another term. The man is a complete imbusile.
Don't even get me started on the Ban on Gay Marriage proposal that he backed. That makes me want to throw up. How can you make an ammendment to the constitution that is so obviously discrimination?? I think I would have gone crazy if I was alive during the woman's rights movements or the civil rights movement... I would have been so upset... then that kind of makes me realize that it wouldnt be such a great idea to move. It would probably be better to stay and fight for what I believe in.
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[2.23.04
@ 11:42pm] |
so today I was in class and I was talking to this kid that me and my friends kinda jokingly say he has a crush on me. I looked on his arm and I saw a B, which is the first letter of my name. It looked like it had been carved there or something. It very well could have been pen but it looked like it was a self inflicted wound. I dont know how long it has been there or even why it's there, but I'm still kind of creeped out. I really dont want to say anything to him about it because if it is about me then I dont really want to bring it up. I dont like him as more than a friend. I really dont know what to make of the whole situation.
Then it reminded me of all the boys that have had really strong feelings for me... like tim, who we all thought had no emotions and he was a total dickhead sometimes. He cried when I said I didnt like him. And Josh, my ex-bf of 1 and 1/2 years who is still in love with me. There was Matt who cried when I wouldnt go back out with him.
This all reminds me of my first real bf who i liked sooo much. He dumped me with this lame reason and I was still infatuated with him for the longest time. I think I may have seen him a couple of times after we broke up but I didnt say anything to him, just sort of pretended I didnt see him. I wonder if he even remembers who I am. I heard he started stealing cars and he went to jail or something... that was a few years ago. I wish I could see him again and act like I'm hot shit that way he'd feel like a loser, although I doubt I could make anyone who doesnt even have a conscience feel like a loser.
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[2.18.04
@ 11:33pm] |
so today I was thinking... "gee, I wish I had a secret place where I could write what I feel and have no one know what I wrote... then I remembered that this is my secret journal and no one I know personally knows about it. That just makes me so happy... a place where I'm free to write whatever I want and it doesn't matter what I write because nobody's gonna give a fuck.
Sadly, I don't really have anything super sercretive that I want to write.
I really hate some of these natural instincts that I can't seem to get over. I keep looking for a mate and I totally don't want one. There's nothing I hate more than being tied down, but I totally need to get laid. Except right now I'm being extra picky about who I would even consider having sex with. I cant stop thinking about it tho. Like every person see, yes person because I am bi, I think about what it would be like to have sex with them. Sometimes I think about seeing if Mike would want to start something up again when I go back to MA for the summer, but then I really just hate myself for thinking that. I'm so sick of the biggest creeps always being attracted to me. I don't know... I just need affection, doesnt everyone tho.
There's this boy I go to school with and I keep wanting to toy with him. Get him to like me and pretend that i like him, but never let him have me. It's such a sedistic thing to do tho, because he's such a nice guy. I'd like to do that to a complete asshole, but assholes dont usually go for that since they're playing the same games.
In the summer me and my friend want to get married since same sex marriages are legal in MA now. It would just be a joke tho. I really love her... we've never even kissed. I think about it all the time tho. I wonder what it would be like to kiss her. Although I know I could never commit to her. Not to mention she's very mentally unstable. Hmm.... *idea*... I want to have a threesome with her and Mike. That would be sweet. Ok, I'm done being a sicko now.
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| Why wasn't I born a social butterfly? |
[2.11.04
@ 1:56am] |
It's strange how I'll go through these periods of high social activity and then in only a few days I'll feel like the loniest person in the world. I've considered the fact that I may be having a problem with depression but I refuse to seek medication or help for that matter. I'm determined to get through this myself. I think that the stress from school is a big factor in my depression.
I'm not doing what I want with my life. I wish I knew what I even wanted, then maybe I could find a way to achieve it. I'm working towards a life of ultimate truth and satisfaction, but why? I'm only going to die and everything will be forgotten. I think that I want to make a difference in this world so that I will not be forgotten... sadly, when the world ends, which I believe it will my existence will be erased from time anyway. I don't see why I even bother... I suppose it's because I will only be depressed if I sit around and do nothing anyway.
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