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mood

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curious

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Ive forgotten all about live journal.

So much has changed..Ive learned a lot of people Ive come across are two faced lol.

i have my own apartment, my own car...full time job...not exactly what i want to do the rest of my life but for now, its a start.

i haven't live in my dads house in over 5 years..its funny how things change ...but i was always just so unhappy there..and now i know that it was best i left,he has now started a "new" family with a woman who is i believe two years younger than me.

I think Ive avoided going on LiveJournal...cause it pains me to see my past post...and esp. a relationship i wish never ended....funny how you can leave things in the past but are still reminded of that person..and how they used to make you happy..

I go over it and over it again in my mind...was it me? was it him?...am i just not worth being with.....i hope after my time with being with certain people..that i left a good impact on there life as im sure they have in mine...and in the end i hope we all can find our true loves<3 love is was i live for ..and i hope i can find my hopeless romantic.

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mood

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blank

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So I never knew that being with someone this long came with so many emotions,so many needs .
So I been with the same guy for over a year almost two. Going crazy in my head. We don't really talk much but spend every day together ,I don't get it .I told him we need a break even thow I don't want to .I need to be romanced,surprised,have my hand held Without even asking him,I want to be told im beautiful every time I take my time to get ready for him...but my feelings didn't stay the same.am I crazy for wanting all this from my boyfriend? So yeah I know he loves me but I need a man who can have fun with me,be crazy,go out be social..and I know I can't change him..but at least I came into his life and showed him its okay to try and open up ....oh well

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mood

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cranky

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I cant help but feel .........helpless.
as i look around now everyone is growing up, my friends are getting married
i just dont kno where i am in life... i mean my boyfriend,i cant describe our relationship really but,ok plain and simple ,its not what it used to be.
i feel like im married, all we do is watch tv ..and that can be boring at times, sometimes i wish he would just grab me and say something stupid and kiss me or even call me beautiful when ever he looks at me...but whenever i look at him i always get the same saying " what? " .....then i nod my head and say "nothing" ...its predictable, and one cant help but want to know when this marry go round will end of the same old thing.
i want adventure, i want someone to talk about....anything! and everything!! going on in life in general, wiether its about presedents or if its about music ,or how a cookie taste!! lol i just dont know , i feel like im going insane ....its like if livejournal was the earth ,it was great then, zombies came (myspace) and everyone left...lol its the only place i can right to myself and know im at peace...and maybe someday someone will discover what we all felt at one point,and that it was real....now and days everyone is so corrupted into becoming famous,or where you cant do anything fun anymore without spending money......makes me sick

so maybe i thought that i was ok

and maybe i thought that i moved on

but then i heard the way you said her name

turned on the radio and heard our song

so maybe i thought i was over it

so maybe it's been too long

so maybe i thought it would be better this way

turns out that i've been wrong

cause when i go to sleep at night

it's my heart that dreams not my head

and when it's myself i'm starting to fight

it's reality that i wish was dead

so maybe i'm starting to miss you

so maybe i'm starting to slowly break down

so maybe the days are harder to get through

now that you're never around

so maybe i'm silently crying

so maybe i'm hiding it all

so maybe i'm strong on the outside

so maybe i don't want you to see me fall

cause when i walk outside at night

i'm only standing with myself

left holding onto my pillow tight

turning away the pictures on the shelf

it's the silence that meets me in the parking lot

in all the places we used to be

sitting out there just isn't the same

seeing as my only company is me

so maybe five days went by where i thought i had it made

so maybe i'm crashing down now, the price that had to be paid

so maybe the strength i thought i had, i faked as much as a smile

or maybe you could of just cared for once, picked up  the phone and dialed

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mood

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crushed

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as the years has gone by i have learned plenty of things...you think by now i would learn to think with  my head instead of my heart.......
i still love him.....and it hurts
i guess were both at fault but......i would of never wanted to search my feelings more if he hadn't gone behind my back in the first place...i had to find out by snooping ....& ended up finding things i didn't like.
its human nature to not forget your first love i guess.....
just wish he would of showed me what i needed then...before it was to late...before i started questioning our relationship

I was the one left there waiting..hurting...dwelling on past memories ...gave someone my all who wasnt willing to give me there's  untill i was gone.

sorry i cant give everyone what they want & i know no one likes rejection..i've had that happen to me plenty of times...but no matter what in all my bitterness ....no matter how much i wanted to hate that person or make them feel like shit for what they did....as soon as i left them all alone...they realized what they lost........and sumtimes it hurts to turn your back on love

-"How am l a hypocrite?"

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mood

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bouncy

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Fourth of july,went t marco island with mike to go with hi mom and her bf on a boat to an island in the golf of mexico :oP i had fun! and then we watchedlie 5 mins of fireworks on the beach, it was the first time i met his mom :o)

Me & mike went to warped tour....we were kinda fighting a little bit,but im glad i went with him.



Hmm so me and mike were kinda ,bumping heads the day we were going to go to naples for his moms bday
which was great,im glad i went with him...his moms BF Tom ,is like the best man i ever met,hes nice and cooks, hes the perfect man
and he gives me drinks :oP,but mike doesnt ever want me to drink, goody too shoes lol

i noticed i was being bossy that day, sometimes i take thing to far,when hes doing everything he can for me ..but whatever lol
so we were on the verge of going on a break. . . i was crying, he was tearing up..i thought it was the end

ive never been with a guy who has gone this far with me in a relationship ,with out ending it.


Well saturday i had work
in the morning Mike called me...but didnt tell me happy anniversery..kinda figured he forgot
that was the last thing having me hold on to my hope,is for him,if he ever forgot...i was done.

so i called him later like at 10 or so,telling him i was going out and to read his comments which i left him a comment saying, "i wish he was the first to say this to me but.,..happy anniversery"

after a boring night, i come home and on my bed were two rose's and a card that says " the only thing better than thinkin of your... is being with you.. Miss you"

Well this entry is really just for me to remember how sweet of a bestfriend and boyfriend i have

oh and sunday i went with him to his band practice and spent the day with him &..
i took a bath :o)

i gues in the end of all this, i just want to be romanced once in a while
~*tee-hee*~

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mood

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depressed

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So why couldn't you have met me halfway

Love.....,was it really love or did i just attach myself? If you literally gave someone all of your love & then suddenly you find yourself heartbroken what would you do? How would you feel?

        It's never gonna cross your mind until it happens. Relationships are great but it's the ending that you may have never expected or weren't gonna be ready for. When it happens you begin to feel down as if your falling & hitting everything on the way...you don't wanna believe it...keep trying to hold on but you know you have to let go.

You try not to think about it yet it's sharp like theres a fresh cut a deep cut  that keeps burning & little pieces of glass jammed into your heart...., it's a nightmare.......crying is just the begining because you cry til you can't, then you start to realize the truth.....your over the shock,it's time to deal with the reality.

Each day goes by you feel better because you have your friends..things to get it off your mind for a while...your back alone at night thinking about it again you dont know what to think because you dont want to think about a way to forget what happened & the person....
When they ask you how you are you say ok, when they ask you how your feeling if your feeling any better you want to say yes because for a short while you do but it just keeps hurting....
they say it's going to get better but it only gets harder til you get sick of yourself & mad at yourself for still wanting them....

You find yourself hallow...Is love really devine? Was it even love....still willingly wanting to be with them again no matter how much they hurt you...keeping your promise to always love them forever & always no matter what?

Reality isn't a fairytale if you set your love free and it comes back to you it's meant to be right? What if your love was true & you had been given a lie to believe ...

.Can you really be that blind sometimes to where everyone else can see it but you......

              Everyone takes break ups differently

I dont want to, god knows i dont want to!
i dont wanna let him go..but i know its something i gotta do
i gotta let him go so he can be free and live his own life
i know that im just going to be in the way,so i gotta let it burn ...

kinda reminds me of that aalyiah song and the usher song,they express my pain..and how this hurts to let some one you love go.

but ive hurt before to let someone i loved go,because i wanted them to be happy...even if it ment that they werent with me...and i would no longer be there one and only

i want someone who,i dont only listen to ,but sumone who can be there for me,who can lift me up when im down..who wants to help me out and inspire what i love,just like he loves music...but i would never put my hobbie before someone....i guess thats were we draw the line..and that line wont fade away,but only divide us

*i hope everyone knows how much mike means to me,cuz im crying right now,and i know im probablly going to be the only one reading this,feels like someone kicked me in my throat..

"Now I'm sittin' here
Thinkin' 'bout you
And the days we used to share
It's drivin' me crazy
I don't know what to do
I'm just wonderin' if you still care
I don't wanna let you know
That it's killin' me
I know you got another life you gotta concentrate baby"




speaking of art...theres some on my page..and heres some new one's

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mood

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happy

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lots has happen........
So yeah..

i got promoted in ROTC from nothing to a private first class,oh yeah!!

I joined a gym and i think im developing my eating disorder again,,frankly i really dont care as long as i loss weight. so far ive lost 15lbs all together,but i wanna loss so much more than that.


my babe is no longer apart of the band "karmakaze" and for a while he was kinda all worked up over it..but i was there for him,just like i was there for him when his bassest left...even thow i didnt know exactlly what to say or how he felt...and hopefully i did help him see that hes amazing and things end for a reason, he can only grow stronger from that experince & shine even more..

Im still with the same guy,can u believe it?
i care alot about him,i love just laying next to him on my bed,and when he sleeps over, i wake up next to him <33
but..theres some cross roads that were going to have to cross in the near furture...like, after collage hes going to move to clearwater...&& he wants me to go with him.. :o/

Anyways,im the happiest i could be right now,i know theres sometimes we dont get along,but he even said it him self, i'm his bestfriend <33


p.s. posted new blog poem things on my myspace, check it out.....

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mood

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hyper

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I wanna make this journal entry out to my Boyfriend Mike

thank you for showin what youv'e shown me so far,
Letting me know that there are still people out there who can care  for other's.
So far he's been the best boyfriend...and im happy

Heres a picture of him if you dont know who he is


ill edit this shit later...kinda in a bad mood,and dont want to make this entry iffy