And I feel guilty.
It's been 3 years and I've all but forgotten LJ, in favor of these vapid transient social media platforms.
I occasionally reminisce about all the folk out here, who got me through some rough times back in the day, when I was miserable, cold, lonely and depressed (Yay, Maine!).
And I've made some amazing friends through LJ - some of whom are close friends even offline - and that's not something I say lightly. Or often.
What keeps me away from this lovely platform, has been something akin to a writer's block. I often have so many thoughts I want to say, but my impatience and apathy strike, and I end up either making a flippant half-hearted comment on Facebrick, or pushing it down, ignoring it.
I've started a blog or two elsewhere, but it never really lasts - None of those have the social feel I get here.
Some days though, I hate this username. It's immature (then again, it's reflective of a time in my life, when I was, too - at least more so than I am now), tacky, and it's something I cannot relate to now.
And I'm too cheap to pay the requisite $15 to get it changed now. #aintnobodygottimefordat.
So, I'm considering one of two options - I either say "screw it" and go along with the name, or create a new account (on LJ) and continue blogging, and hopefully I can reconnect with the current friends list there too.
I can't decide.
It's been 3 years and I've all but forgotten LJ, in favor of these vapid transient social media platforms.
I occasionally reminisce about all the folk out here, who got me through some rough times back in the day, when I was miserable, cold, lonely and depressed (Yay, Maine!).
And I've made some amazing friends through LJ - some of whom are close friends even offline - and that's not something I say lightly. Or often.
What keeps me away from this lovely platform, has been something akin to a writer's block. I often have so many thoughts I want to say, but my impatience and apathy strike, and I end up either making a flippant half-hearted comment on Facebrick, or pushing it down, ignoring it.
I've started a blog or two elsewhere, but it never really lasts - None of those have the social feel I get here.
Some days though, I hate this username. It's immature (then again, it's reflective of a time in my life, when I was, too - at least more so than I am now), tacky, and it's something I cannot relate to now.
And I'm too cheap to pay the requisite $15 to get it changed now. #aintnobodygottimefordat.
So, I'm considering one of two options - I either say "screw it" and go along with the name, or create a new account (on LJ) and continue blogging, and hopefully I can reconnect with the current friends list there too.
I can't decide.
Damn.
It's been two whole years (and a couple of months, but let's round it off, shall we?) since my last post.
Some stuff has happened - most of it rather dull and boring - not much worth writing about. Plus, my attention span has plummeted to abysmal lows, so I've been most active on Google Plus or Facebook, both with a wildly different group of friends. I might have harped on and on about how fabulous G+ is, with circles and feeds and stuff, so I won't do that all over again. The point still stands, that after all these years, I love G+.
Anyway, back to LJ. That long-patient wallflower of a blog, standing in the corner by the drinks table, waiting for you to return and be friends with it again. Standing there without judgment, without envy of the flashier popular microblogging crowd of apps.
What prompted this return? Talking to a new friend about how I met another friend (and so many other cool folk around the world) through LJ, and how I'd let my apathy and laziness come in the way of my blog. And how I'm embarrassed of my younger self and the silly moniker which still haunts me.
So, here's the thing. I want to write, but this username annoys me. It reminds me of a younger, annoying, whiny immature me - someone who was obsessed with reading horror novels and stories about Aleister Crowley, whining about the tiny annoyances in life, and thinking Ayn Rand was a genius.
But I've grown up now.
I think.
Anyway, I'm not sure where I go from here. So, this is where you, dear reader/friend come in. Help me out!
(This is actually fun.. I miss LJ already!)
It's been two whole years (and a couple of months, but let's round it off, shall we?) since my last post.
Some stuff has happened - most of it rather dull and boring - not much worth writing about. Plus, my attention span has plummeted to abysmal lows, so I've been most active on Google Plus or Facebook, both with a wildly different group of friends. I might have harped on and on about how fabulous G+ is, with circles and feeds and stuff, so I won't do that all over again. The point still stands, that after all these years, I love G+.
Anyway, back to LJ. That long-patient wallflower of a blog, standing in the corner by the drinks table, waiting for you to return and be friends with it again. Standing there without judgment, without envy of the flashier popular microblogging crowd of apps.
What prompted this return? Talking to a new friend about how I met another friend (and so many other cool folk around the world) through LJ, and how I'd let my apathy and laziness come in the way of my blog. And how I'm embarrassed of my younger self and the silly moniker which still haunts me.
So, here's the thing. I want to write, but this username annoys me. It reminds me of a younger, annoying, whiny immature me - someone who was obsessed with reading horror novels and stories about Aleister Crowley, whining about the tiny annoyances in life, and thinking Ayn Rand was a genius.
But I've grown up now.
I think.
Anyway, I'm not sure where I go from here. So, this is where you, dear reader/friend come in. Help me out!
Do I...
Continue with this blog, ignoring the awkward username?
1(100.0%)
Create a new LJ account and disable this one?
0(0.0%)
Skip LJ altogether and start over elsewhere? (I miss the LJ feed aggregator)
0(0.0%)
Others (Feel free to offer suggestions in the comments)
0(0.0%)
(This is actually fun.. I miss LJ already!)
So, this is not exactly new, but on the plus side, it's not as bad as it has been before.
I found myself having a mini anxiety attack last night, while I was in my room.
After it passed, I sat back, calming myself, trying to analyze what might have been the triggering factor, and what was bothering me.
And I realize I don't know. All I did prior to the attack was watch a movie (a terribly cheesy Bollywood one) and was reading some Bukowski (Ham on Rye). Neither of which I can empathize with - at least not on a level which might trigger some deep seated issues.
The last such attack was a couple of months ago - again, when I was alone.
I'm trying not to think too much about it, lest I get worked up unnecessarily, and so far, denial has been a great friend to me =/
I'm seriously considering talking to a shrink/counselor again soon, considering the last time I was in therapy was way back in 2008, back when I was still doing my Masters' in Maine. It had helped me then, but after college, with unemployment and no psych coverage, that wasn't an option while in the US.
After coming back to India, the process of reacclamatizing to India, with all the frustration, alienation and bitching and whining kept me mostly sane for the most part. Now that I have for the most part, surrendered to the *mostly) uneventful SSDD kind of a life, with apathy governing my non-professional life, things have been pretty okay. Aside from some isolated incidents, I haven't had much of an inclination to return to depression. Yay.
I think the next step is locating a psychologist. Considering my cousin's husband is a well renowned neurologist with a well-established professional network, I can ask him to recommend a good shrink for me. Now, the challenge is, keeping the whole thing under wraps from my family - not just because of the taboo aspect of mental health issues in the Indian socio-cultural scene, but because I don't want to upset my family, or more importantly entertain the incredibly annoying (albeit well-meaning) "Why don't you talk to us about it? We can help you.. Is it us? What can we do to make you not depressed?" and so on.
Yeah. That's pretty much what's new (or is that old?) in my life at the moment. Like I said, nothing to write home about.
I found myself having a mini anxiety attack last night, while I was in my room.
After it passed, I sat back, calming myself, trying to analyze what might have been the triggering factor, and what was bothering me.
And I realize I don't know. All I did prior to the attack was watch a movie (a terribly cheesy Bollywood one) and was reading some Bukowski (Ham on Rye). Neither of which I can empathize with - at least not on a level which might trigger some deep seated issues.
The last such attack was a couple of months ago - again, when I was alone.
I'm trying not to think too much about it, lest I get worked up unnecessarily, and so far, denial has been a great friend to me =/
I'm seriously considering talking to a shrink/counselor again soon, considering the last time I was in therapy was way back in 2008, back when I was still doing my Masters' in Maine. It had helped me then, but after college, with unemployment and no psych coverage, that wasn't an option while in the US.
After coming back to India, the process of reacclamatizing to India, with all the frustration, alienation and bitching and whining kept me mostly sane for the most part. Now that I have for the most part, surrendered to the *mostly) uneventful SSDD kind of a life, with apathy governing my non-professional life, things have been pretty okay. Aside from some isolated incidents, I haven't had much of an inclination to return to depression. Yay.
I think the next step is locating a psychologist. Considering my cousin's husband is a well renowned neurologist with a well-established professional network, I can ask him to recommend a good shrink for me. Now, the challenge is, keeping the whole thing under wraps from my family - not just because of the taboo aspect of mental health issues in the Indian socio-cultural scene, but because I don't want to upset my family, or more importantly entertain the incredibly annoying (albeit well-meaning) "Why don't you talk to us about it? We can help you.. Is it us? What can we do to make you not depressed?" and so on.
Yeah. That's pretty much what's new (or is that old?) in my life at the moment. Like I said, nothing to write home about.
I've been having so much stuff bottled up inside me - stuff I want to unleash in torrents of mostly incoherent verbiage, here, but I've been lacking that sense of urgency and/or need to do so, if that makes sense. I have these words, these turbulent thoughts in my head that I want to put on paper pixels, but at the same time, I've grown distant to this online persona. I'm not that confused 20 year old Crowley-obsessed attention-hungry kid in a foreign land anymore. I'm older now, and more mature (or so I think. It's hard to tell from this perspective). I look at my earlier entries and suppress an urge to be a complete ass, or to look back at myself with a sense of patronizing distaste and condescension.
I cringe whenever I see or remember this beast_666 persona. It is the tacky tramp stamp I'll be regretting when my skin is all mottled and saggy.
deponti still calls me "Beast". When she does, it seems okay. Cute even. When I do, my brain goes "Uggggggh. Grow up already".
I do want to come back to LJ on a regular-ish basis. I miss the cathartic effect of bashing out my thoughts onto a keyboard, and talking to a group of people I feel safe confiding in. I miss that interaction, despite having those old LJ friends become closer friends in real life (or online, but in a wider sense)
What I need to do (as I feel), is shelve this old ID. Maybe create a new ID that is more current-me, that feels right. Now, the question is, what do I do with this soon-to-be-old journal? I don't want to delete it of course. Cheesy as it might be, it still is full of memories. I could always download an archived copy, but having a dormant account feels better - I'm not good at letting things go, obviously.
I could try figuring out a way to migrate this account to a new one, except I don't want a paid subscription, where I won't use the extra features anyway.
I'll figure something out. And I'll make sure I'll shout that out from the LJ rooftops. Or hire a town crier if I'm too lazy =/
I cringe whenever I see or remember this beast_666 persona. It is the tacky tramp stamp I'll be regretting when my skin is all mottled and saggy.
deponti still calls me "Beast". When she does, it seems okay. Cute even. When I do, my brain goes "Uggggggh. Grow up already".I do want to come back to LJ on a regular-ish basis. I miss the cathartic effect of bashing out my thoughts onto a keyboard, and talking to a group of people I feel safe confiding in. I miss that interaction, despite having those old LJ friends become closer friends in real life (or online, but in a wider sense)
What I need to do (as I feel), is shelve this old ID. Maybe create a new ID that is more current-me, that feels right. Now, the question is, what do I do with this soon-to-be-old journal? I don't want to delete it of course. Cheesy as it might be, it still is full of memories. I could always download an archived copy, but having a dormant account feels better - I'm not good at letting things go, obviously.
I could try figuring out a way to migrate this account to a new one, except I don't want a paid subscription, where I won't use the extra features anyway.
I'll figure something out. And I'll make sure I'll shout that out from the LJ rooftops. Or hire a town crier if I'm too lazy =/
I often can be heard complaining about working a thankless job, where my work often goes unacknowledged (Then again, I suppose a lot of people do), and there is a quite a bit of truth to that incessant whine. That, along with my being an easy pushover who can't say no (as professionally diagnosed by my former boss back in ME), I usually end up taking up more work than comfortable, and often pick up the slack for the rest of the team. So, in my tiny me-centric universe, I suppose I feel validated in complaining about it occasionally.
(I'm not exaggerating. I once spent two whole months of overtime at work, collecting and uploading some very important document with very little help, and in the end, I got a mail saying "Thank you for your co-operation" in response.)
In any case, today, we had a casual graduating party for the graduate students of the VLSI Design course in the college, with a tiny class of 16 - A course I had never handled, but I had guided a few projects for the students, so I wasn't completely out of touch with the bunch. In any case, I wasn't exactly their teacher, and I'd managed to make a few of them hate me during project reviews - all for a good cause.
The valedictorian today, came up on stage, did the thanking of the Department Chair, the faculties, and their friends, and towards the end, he turned to me, and said something that made me feel all the hard work I put in, was worth it.
He said (and I'm paraphrasing, of course)
"I would like to acknowledge Mr. Ravikiran (yep, that's me) and say he has inspired me. I was talking to the Department Chair the other day after the National Conference, and mentioned this - he does a lot of work behind the scenes, and after everything is done, he just walks away, and does not stick around for compliments. When I start work, and say, in ten years, I would like to emulate his attitude, and be humble and work my butt off. Thank you, sir"
I'm sure he hasn't heard my complaining, I suppose.. Though he probably has seen me running around frantically, trying to get work, and shouting at people in frustration (as I'm likely to do often. heh).
Those of you who have known me for long, know that I'm not really comfortable with compliments (but I'd like my work to be acknowledged - sounds ironic, I know), and I'm not exactly the poster boy for a self-confident individual. I've battled my self-consciousness and self-loathing issues for a long time, and I've come to a point where I've accepted myself as being a good (mostly) and hard-working nice guy who deserves the occasional compliment. And I've learned to accept a compliment with a thank you (often genuine), rather than dismissing them abruptly. It's still not something I'm completely comfortable with, but I'm getting there.
I don't see myself as a leader or someone people would look up to, most of the time. It's a chronic issue, and while I *know* and agree when people tell me I deserve to treat myself better, I often lack the conviction in accepting it. I'm a decent writer, I'm reasonably smart, well educated, and I can be funny (assuming you enjoy terrible puns and corny jokes)
I'm not sure I'm making much sense, and a healthy introspection isn't my strong suit.
I guess I'm trying to say I know I ought to see myself the way some other people see me, but I don't. Freud would probably blame it on my mother (then again, he blames everything on the mother, I suppose).
So, yeah. Receiving a heartfelt (I assume) compliment from a student I've never taught, and hearing that, addressed to the rest of my colleagues, did make me smile, and for a while, I see myself in a better light. I guess I can enjoy moments like these, being reminded that I am making a positive impact on people around me (even if it is in a tiny way), and rely less on compliments to make me respect myself more (that didn't really make much sense in my mind, but it might later, so I'll leave it here).
It has been a good day. And I feel light hearted now. I don't hate my job today. And I'm okay with the Universe right now.
(I'm not exaggerating. I once spent two whole months of overtime at work, collecting and uploading some very important document with very little help, and in the end, I got a mail saying "Thank you for your co-operation" in response.)
In any case, today, we had a casual graduating party for the graduate students of the VLSI Design course in the college, with a tiny class of 16 - A course I had never handled, but I had guided a few projects for the students, so I wasn't completely out of touch with the bunch. In any case, I wasn't exactly their teacher, and I'd managed to make a few of them hate me during project reviews - all for a good cause.
The valedictorian today, came up on stage, did the thanking of the Department Chair, the faculties, and their friends, and towards the end, he turned to me, and said something that made me feel all the hard work I put in, was worth it.
He said (and I'm paraphrasing, of course)
"I would like to acknowledge Mr. Ravikiran (yep, that's me) and say he has inspired me. I was talking to the Department Chair the other day after the National Conference, and mentioned this - he does a lot of work behind the scenes, and after everything is done, he just walks away, and does not stick around for compliments. When I start work, and say, in ten years, I would like to emulate his attitude, and be humble and work my butt off. Thank you, sir"
I'm sure he hasn't heard my complaining, I suppose.. Though he probably has seen me running around frantically, trying to get work, and shouting at people in frustration (as I'm likely to do often. heh).
Those of you who have known me for long, know that I'm not really comfortable with compliments (but I'd like my work to be acknowledged - sounds ironic, I know), and I'm not exactly the poster boy for a self-confident individual. I've battled my self-consciousness and self-loathing issues for a long time, and I've come to a point where I've accepted myself as being a good (mostly) and hard-working nice guy who deserves the occasional compliment. And I've learned to accept a compliment with a thank you (often genuine), rather than dismissing them abruptly. It's still not something I'm completely comfortable with, but I'm getting there.
I don't see myself as a leader or someone people would look up to, most of the time. It's a chronic issue, and while I *know* and agree when people tell me I deserve to treat myself better, I often lack the conviction in accepting it. I'm a decent writer, I'm reasonably smart, well educated, and I can be funny (assuming you enjoy terrible puns and corny jokes)
I'm not sure I'm making much sense, and a healthy introspection isn't my strong suit.
I guess I'm trying to say I know I ought to see myself the way some other people see me, but I don't. Freud would probably blame it on my mother (then again, he blames everything on the mother, I suppose).
So, yeah. Receiving a heartfelt (I assume) compliment from a student I've never taught, and hearing that, addressed to the rest of my colleagues, did make me smile, and for a while, I see myself in a better light. I guess I can enjoy moments like these, being reminded that I am making a positive impact on people around me (even if it is in a tiny way), and rely less on compliments to make me respect myself more (that didn't really make much sense in my mind, but it might later, so I'll leave it here).
It has been a good day. And I feel light hearted now. I don't hate my job today. And I'm okay with the Universe right now.
Damn. Time sure does fly by rather fast.
And I hate myself a bit for ignoring LJ all this time - more since I've wanted to come back and try and catch up with what's been happening around the world, and actually contribute to the mass of stories, but something or the other always comes up (mostly laziness and apathy though).
I hate that I have ended up censoring my thought process to an extent that I don't feel the urge to type out whole paragraphs about any subject, so I turn to spamming my Facebook friends' feeds with my microblogging (hah!) nonsense there - or share funny and weird stuff on Google Plus (hey.. There are quite a lot of fun people there - and it's NOT a graveyard, as most people would think).
Miraculously though, my Twitter Feed does resemble a junkyard, with me contributing nothing, but the feed being dominated by the multitude of tweets from different news agencies, a couple of magazines, standup comedians, and a couple of celebrities I don't hate (gotta have something to keep me entertained, I suppose).
So here's attempt number <insert random number here>, where I make a silent resolution to myself, promising I won't break it like I inevitably do, that unlike Arnold Schwarzennegger, I *WILL* be back. I do miss the online family thatwas is Livejournal - but let's face it - most of us need a break from families.
And now for the main feature - ME ("as usual", I hear someone there groaning)
I'm doing rather well, the last 8 months have been mostly uneventful - well not really, but that's for another post. There has been something I haven't been comfortable talking to people or writing about, and I've been avoiding it, but since I discussed it in length with another friend in the last couple of days, I feel I'm ready to pen my thoughts forthe world my LJ friends to see. Writing it down has been a bit cathartic - and painful, but it needs to be done some day - and it might as well be soon.
Oh, and not everything is depressing, so there's always the New Years' vacation I took along with some friends, in sunny Goa (a popular tourist destination out here in India, with its multitude of beaches and Portuguese influences - and for the carnivores, Vindaloo). Three whole days of getting away from the routine life in a metropolitan city - three days of relaxation, getting sand in unmentionable places, and sea water in the ears. Fun times!
2015, so far, has been rather dull and uneventful - which is a good thing. If nothing else, I've been working on a bit of conflict resolution within myself, and towards bettering myself (talk about a massive task), so I've decided I've had enough of being overworked and underpaid, and have made a decision to change workplaces soon enough (end of the semester). Let's see how that works out.
(In case you thought I was exaggerating about being overworked - I teach undergraduate Electrical Engineering - and this semester alone, I teach Multimedia Communications to around 80 students, am the Undergraduate Project Co-ordinator (around 21 teams of 4 each), the Co-ordinator for an upcoming National Conference at work (and I ended up learning CorelDraw on my own to design the brochures and posters), and maintain the online affiliation documents and web portal entries for the whole college as they crop up).
Yeah. No pressure at all =/
I haven't had a decent panic attack in a few months, so I suppose that's a good sign. (mini celebration)
That's all for now, I guess. I promise I'll be back soon. And catch up with all y'all. And write more. And be a good boy. And all that stuff.
Arrivederci!
And I hate myself a bit for ignoring LJ all this time - more since I've wanted to come back and try and catch up with what's been happening around the world, and actually contribute to the mass of stories, but something or the other always comes up (mostly laziness and apathy though).
I hate that I have ended up censoring my thought process to an extent that I don't feel the urge to type out whole paragraphs about any subject, so I turn to spamming my Facebook friends' feeds with my microblogging (hah!) nonsense there - or share funny and weird stuff on Google Plus (hey.. There are quite a lot of fun people there - and it's NOT a graveyard, as most people would think).
Miraculously though, my Twitter Feed does resemble a junkyard, with me contributing nothing, but the feed being dominated by the multitude of tweets from different news agencies, a couple of magazines, standup comedians, and a couple of celebrities I don't hate (gotta have something to keep me entertained, I suppose).
So here's attempt number <insert random number here>, where I make a silent resolution to myself, promising I won't break it like I inevitably do, that unlike Arnold Schwarzennegger, I *WILL* be back. I do miss the online family that
And now for the main feature - ME ("as usual", I hear someone there groaning)
I'm doing rather well, the last 8 months have been mostly uneventful - well not really, but that's for another post. There has been something I haven't been comfortable talking to people or writing about, and I've been avoiding it, but since I discussed it in length with another friend in the last couple of days, I feel I'm ready to pen my thoughts for
Oh, and not everything is depressing, so there's always the New Years' vacation I took along with some friends, in sunny Goa (a popular tourist destination out here in India, with its multitude of beaches and Portuguese influences - and for the carnivores, Vindaloo). Three whole days of getting away from the routine life in a metropolitan city - three days of relaxation, getting sand in unmentionable places, and sea water in the ears. Fun times!
2015, so far, has been rather dull and uneventful - which is a good thing. If nothing else, I've been working on a bit of conflict resolution within myself, and towards bettering myself (talk about a massive task), so I've decided I've had enough of being overworked and underpaid, and have made a decision to change workplaces soon enough (end of the semester). Let's see how that works out.
(In case you thought I was exaggerating about being overworked - I teach undergraduate Electrical Engineering - and this semester alone, I teach Multimedia Communications to around 80 students, am the Undergraduate Project Co-ordinator (around 21 teams of 4 each), the Co-ordinator for an upcoming National Conference at work (and I ended up learning CorelDraw on my own to design the brochures and posters), and maintain the online affiliation documents and web portal entries for the whole college as they crop up).
Yeah. No pressure at all =/
I haven't had a decent panic attack in a few months, so I suppose that's a good sign. (mini celebration)
That's all for now, I guess. I promise I'll be back soon. And catch up with all y'all. And write more. And be a good boy. And all that stuff.
Arrivederci!
Damn.. It's been a while since I ranted wrote here on LJ.
I guess it's been a few months (and simple and quick as it is, I can't be arsed to look up when it was), and I don't really remember my last post (but going by memory, it was probably just another whiny post.)
Life has been.. um. Interesting - well, as interesting as it gets around here for a young brown introverted academicia nut, I suppose.
A quick look at recent stuff (bulleted because yay bullets!)
And damn. I have a LONG trail of LJ posts to catch up with now - almost 6 months' worth.
I do wish I had an intern or a secretary to make a summary now =/
I guess it's been a few months (and simple and quick as it is, I can't be arsed to look up when it was), and I don't really remember my last post (but going by memory, it was probably just another whiny post.)
Life has been.. um. Interesting - well, as interesting as it gets around here for a young brown introverted academicia nut, I suppose.
A quick look at recent stuff (bulleted because yay bullets!)
- Work is the same. Same teaching job at the same undergraduate engineering level. I don't hate my job (which is a big deal, in my world), and I enjoy interacting with my students, and on occasion, I get some meaningful and rewarding work done, in the midst of mountains of pointless redundant paperwork and e-red tape whose sole purpose, I feel, is to project an illusion of work being done.
- On the other hand, one student project I guided got funded (not much, but it's the gesture that counts, right?). Basically, the kids got to build and fly an Arduino-based quadcopter (bloody hell of an effort, but it was fun). And I got to be the co-ordinator for a conference organized by my college (While not exactly a joyride, It will look good on my resume. I hope.).
- Healthwise, things are looking up. Last year's H-Pylori seems to be making a comeback, but at least the B12 levels are stabilizing, plus the tests for Anti Parietal Cell Antibodies and Anti Intinsic Factor Antibodies came back negative - which was a HUGE relief after a few sleepless nights. Turns out, gastric atrophy is serious business, and I'm on the safer side. There's still some residual gastric issues, but it's nothing more than a mild annoyance, so that's ok.
- Cousin's wedding was held recently. Joint family aside, he is 5 years younger to me - and surprisingly enough (and I'm not complaining whatsoever), the number of aunties going "When is your turn?" was low this time. Knock wood.
- An uncle passed away on the eve of the wedding - so it was a mixed affair emotionally. With the nonsensical religious system, we couldn't even go to see the body or attend the funeral, what with the wedding also happening. The death wasn't really a shocker per se, since he had been having major health issues a while now. Still, doesn't make it any less depressing, losing a relative who was genuinely loved by everyone. Life goes on anyway.
And damn. I have a LONG trail of LJ posts to catch up with now - almost 6 months' worth.
I do wish I had an intern or a secretary to make a summary now =/
... And knowing that your actions contributed to it, even if in a very tiny way?
Christmas 2013 saw me joining (for the first time) my cousins and an assortment of uncles and aunts in their recent tradition of visiting the Gurukula Vidyapeetha Ashram, a Government-run orphanage-school, near Kengeri, in Bangalore. Tucked away near the satellite town, about a mile from the noisy Mysore Road, is this tiny institution, with a couple of old buildings, a large shed-like structure and a tiny playing field with a few trees around. Any average Indian, on a brief glance at the buildings, would instantly peg it as a typical Government-run educational institution, with all the red tape and neglect that comes along with the mantle. And that wouldn't really be very harsh a judgment either.
The orphanage is home to around 200 kids, ages ranging from around 5 to 20. Poor kids who were abandoned elsewhere, living together, on whatever meager sustenance trickles through to them, without complaints. Kids of all heights and ages, cheerful and smiling at the visitors.
Every year, on the 25th of December, a group of uncles, aunts and cousins have been gathering there, the last few years. It has become an annual tradition, after one uncle passed away. To be honest, I can't remember if it was his birthday or if it was his wedding anniversary (I think it might be), but it doesn't really matter, does it? The bunch of folk (and friends who volunteer) gather there at the Ashram every Christmas day, and everyone contributes something - be it food, some essentials, cookies or chocolate, or just service, and spend the day with the kids there, having fun.
This year, I joined the group for the first time, and I can honestly say I was glad to get out of my shell of apathetic indifference and laziness - at least with this activity. As it turns out, the group gets bigger each year, with friends and more family joining in.
We drove to the place around 11 am, picking up another relative who wanted to come with us, and caught up with the cousins we hadn't seen in a while. I fell in love with the place - it is away from the busy roads, and it feels like a village there - It's in the middle of an estate-like farmland, which helps with the tranquility. There's a rustic feel to the place, and it's a welcome change from the concrete jungle surrounding it. Turns out, it used to be this Gandhian Ashram, started in 1934, and has largely fallen into disarray and neglect (as with most useful Government institutions).
Slowly, the kids started trickling in from their accommodations, and gathered around, visibly excited, forming a neat line. A couple of aunts had planned some simple activities to keep them engaged, and got them all involved in some games. Even the simplest of games we privileged kids scoff at, and patronize - like, say, tossing a ball into a bucket, were met with enthusiasm and gusto by the kids - even the older teenagers. Watching them participate in the games, run around laughing and glad to be a part of it all.
Then, there was this impromptu pick-a-topic-and-speak contest, which a few older kids grudgingly participated in (and actually enjoyed it). Followed by a simple lunch we had organized from a caterer, for all the students, staff and our party - and we joined the kids for a mass lunch in the huge shed-like structure, which, we learned, was the common room.
The students begin lunch with a simple prayer, thanking God for the food, and proceed to eat whatever is on their plate (which they brought along with themselves, from their living accommodations), without complaints or demands. Offer some extra food, and they gladly accept with a smile and a thanks. And there's a heart-warming sense of community and friendship among the kids - and discipline. There are no fights, no greed, no spite. Just satisfaction after a full meal.
After lunch, the kids formed a neat line to collect whatever little we had gathered to give each them - very simple stuff, from our perspective - stuff we take for granted - a mat for sleeping on, a brush to wash clothes with, some stationery, ice cream, fruits, cookies, chocolate, etc (These items were actually bought after consulting with the caretakers there beforehand, after an inquiry about what the kids needed most).
It was a treat watching them smile and join one another in glee, laughing and comparing colors and the gifts they got.
As we left the place later, a bunch of the kids who were playing around in groups, came to see us off, and cheerfully waved us all goodbyes, loudly, with huge grins and a lot of gusto. There was joy in their faces - and gratefulness, despite their daily struggles just to get by, just to have what every child deserves - a childhood without care or worry.
I'll admit it was a humbling experience. These are kids who don't have a family to speak of, living in ramshackle old buildings, living on substandard resources that the Government provides - and they often have to struggle for even some simple necessities, like mats and stationery. And yet, they seem content and uncomplaining, thankful for what they have - and joyous whenever they get something more.
I look back at myself, see that I have a functional, caring family (and I complain that they smother me), friends (who I lose contact with), a steady job (which I constantly crib about), a decent financial state (even though I'm always claiming I'm near broke), lots of luxuries (but never enough, yeah?). And yet, I'm not happy. There's always something lacking, that I need to complain about or make myself miserable over.
Forget being thankful for what I already have - It's always about wanting more and complaining that the world is unfair.
I guess, when you put things in perspective, life has a lot of lessons for you. I realize my worries and problems are insignificant and meaningless for the most part, compared to what billions of people around the world face. And I should be thankful for that. Despite all my complaints and frustrations, I'm thankful for what I already have and what I take for granted every single day.
And I'm thankful to the family, who got me out of my humdrum daily existence of constant complaints and unreasonable anger at the world, out of my shell (even if it was for the day), and showed me just how good my life actually is. And I'm promising myself I'll be a better person. Vague as THAT sounds as a resolution, I think it's reasonable enough. Less complaints, more proactive initiatives. Help other people. Make them smile. Spread love and joy.
And be happy. Cheesy as it sounds.
Christmas 2013 saw me joining (for the first time) my cousins and an assortment of uncles and aunts in their recent tradition of visiting the Gurukula Vidyapeetha Ashram, a Government-run orphanage-school, near Kengeri, in Bangalore. Tucked away near the satellite town, about a mile from the noisy Mysore Road, is this tiny institution, with a couple of old buildings, a large shed-like structure and a tiny playing field with a few trees around. Any average Indian, on a brief glance at the buildings, would instantly peg it as a typical Government-run educational institution, with all the red tape and neglect that comes along with the mantle. And that wouldn't really be very harsh a judgment either.
The orphanage is home to around 200 kids, ages ranging from around 5 to 20. Poor kids who were abandoned elsewhere, living together, on whatever meager sustenance trickles through to them, without complaints. Kids of all heights and ages, cheerful and smiling at the visitors.
Every year, on the 25th of December, a group of uncles, aunts and cousins have been gathering there, the last few years. It has become an annual tradition, after one uncle passed away. To be honest, I can't remember if it was his birthday or if it was his wedding anniversary (I think it might be), but it doesn't really matter, does it? The bunch of folk (and friends who volunteer) gather there at the Ashram every Christmas day, and everyone contributes something - be it food, some essentials, cookies or chocolate, or just service, and spend the day with the kids there, having fun.
This year, I joined the group for the first time, and I can honestly say I was glad to get out of my shell of apathetic indifference and laziness - at least with this activity. As it turns out, the group gets bigger each year, with friends and more family joining in.
We drove to the place around 11 am, picking up another relative who wanted to come with us, and caught up with the cousins we hadn't seen in a while. I fell in love with the place - it is away from the busy roads, and it feels like a village there - It's in the middle of an estate-like farmland, which helps with the tranquility. There's a rustic feel to the place, and it's a welcome change from the concrete jungle surrounding it. Turns out, it used to be this Gandhian Ashram, started in 1934, and has largely fallen into disarray and neglect (as with most useful Government institutions).
Slowly, the kids started trickling in from their accommodations, and gathered around, visibly excited, forming a neat line. A couple of aunts had planned some simple activities to keep them engaged, and got them all involved in some games. Even the simplest of games we privileged kids scoff at, and patronize - like, say, tossing a ball into a bucket, were met with enthusiasm and gusto by the kids - even the older teenagers. Watching them participate in the games, run around laughing and glad to be a part of it all.
Then, there was this impromptu pick-a-topic-and-speak contest, which a few older kids grudgingly participated in (and actually enjoyed it). Followed by a simple lunch we had organized from a caterer, for all the students, staff and our party - and we joined the kids for a mass lunch in the huge shed-like structure, which, we learned, was the common room.
The students begin lunch with a simple prayer, thanking God for the food, and proceed to eat whatever is on their plate (which they brought along with themselves, from their living accommodations), without complaints or demands. Offer some extra food, and they gladly accept with a smile and a thanks. And there's a heart-warming sense of community and friendship among the kids - and discipline. There are no fights, no greed, no spite. Just satisfaction after a full meal.
After lunch, the kids formed a neat line to collect whatever little we had gathered to give each them - very simple stuff, from our perspective - stuff we take for granted - a mat for sleeping on, a brush to wash clothes with, some stationery, ice cream, fruits, cookies, chocolate, etc (These items were actually bought after consulting with the caretakers there beforehand, after an inquiry about what the kids needed most).
It was a treat watching them smile and join one another in glee, laughing and comparing colors and the gifts they got.
As we left the place later, a bunch of the kids who were playing around in groups, came to see us off, and cheerfully waved us all goodbyes, loudly, with huge grins and a lot of gusto. There was joy in their faces - and gratefulness, despite their daily struggles just to get by, just to have what every child deserves - a childhood without care or worry.
I'll admit it was a humbling experience. These are kids who don't have a family to speak of, living in ramshackle old buildings, living on substandard resources that the Government provides - and they often have to struggle for even some simple necessities, like mats and stationery. And yet, they seem content and uncomplaining, thankful for what they have - and joyous whenever they get something more.
I look back at myself, see that I have a functional, caring family (and I complain that they smother me), friends (who I lose contact with), a steady job (which I constantly crib about), a decent financial state (even though I'm always claiming I'm near broke), lots of luxuries (but never enough, yeah?). And yet, I'm not happy. There's always something lacking, that I need to complain about or make myself miserable over.
Forget being thankful for what I already have - It's always about wanting more and complaining that the world is unfair.
I guess, when you put things in perspective, life has a lot of lessons for you. I realize my worries and problems are insignificant and meaningless for the most part, compared to what billions of people around the world face. And I should be thankful for that. Despite all my complaints and frustrations, I'm thankful for what I already have and what I take for granted every single day.
And I'm thankful to the family, who got me out of my humdrum daily existence of constant complaints and unreasonable anger at the world, out of my shell (even if it was for the day), and showed me just how good my life actually is. And I'm promising myself I'll be a better person. Vague as THAT sounds as a resolution, I think it's reasonable enough. Less complaints, more proactive initiatives. Help other people. Make them smile. Spread love and joy.
And be happy. Cheesy as it sounds.
A rather long while, really, since I've been on LJ. I realize I'm not exactly known for my regular posts. Lately, I seem to have drifted away from blogs in general, what with the daily doses of Facebook and Google Plus, where I seem to be spending more time catching up with people.
I come back today and try and catch up on the older posts from the blogsphere regulars on my friends' list and it's like I've dozed off in the middle of a fast-paced movie and am totally out of the loop in some cases. While in other cases, it's like waking up after sleeping through half of a Tarkovsky movie and realizing I've missed practically nothing.
I haven't really stopped blogging altogether - I need the occasional verbal regurgitation and a safe place to vent my thoughts - and like I've mentioned before, I feel I've grown out of the whole beast-666 moniker (and identity). I was never really obsessed with Satanism (I might have had a passing obsession with the occult - purely theoretically, I must add - back in my high school days), and the Crowleyian/Demonic implication was just a lame attempt to appear "cool". Stupid death metal kid mode.
So, I started a new blog on Blogger, on my birthday. I am missing the LJ friend feed and interactivity there, and the pageviews are probably from just the crawler bots, but that's okay. It's more of a journal than a blog, so that works fine.
I decided to start with a "Dear Richard" intro (inspired by Anne Frank's Dear Kitty, but going for the unimplied male innuendo), but that seemed too.. tacky.
Anyway.. Life seems to be going well-ish. Apart from some health scares (long story short - abdominal cramps and digestive issues followed by a consultation from a GI specialist - blood tests with Vit B12 deficiency, some B12 shots, endoscopy, biopsy, H-Pylori infection diagnosis, two-month dose of antibiotics and Proton Pump Inhibitors, etc, some paranoia about atrophic gastritis and intrinsic factor disorder, etc), life seems to be okay. Work is boring this semester, and I've begun questioning my job choices.
On the plus side, I've picked up my first Arduino kit and I'm enjoying exploring that.
Apart from that, nothing much to report, really.
How's YOUR life been?
I come back today and try and catch up on the older posts from the blogsphere regulars on my friends' list and it's like I've dozed off in the middle of a fast-paced movie and am totally out of the loop in some cases. While in other cases, it's like waking up after sleeping through half of a Tarkovsky movie and realizing I've missed practically nothing.
I haven't really stopped blogging altogether - I need the occasional verbal regurgitation and a safe place to vent my thoughts - and like I've mentioned before, I feel I've grown out of the whole beast-666 moniker (and identity). I was never really obsessed with Satanism (I might have had a passing obsession with the occult - purely theoretically, I must add - back in my high school days), and the Crowleyian/Demonic implication was just a lame attempt to appear "cool". Stupid death metal kid mode.
So, I started a new blog on Blogger, on my birthday. I am missing the LJ friend feed and interactivity there, and the pageviews are probably from just the crawler bots, but that's okay. It's more of a journal than a blog, so that works fine.
I decided to start with a "Dear Richard" intro (inspired by Anne Frank's Dear Kitty, but going for the unimplied male innuendo), but that seemed too.. tacky.
Anyway.. Life seems to be going well-ish. Apart from some health scares (long story short - abdominal cramps and digestive issues followed by a consultation from a GI specialist - blood tests with Vit B12 deficiency, some B12 shots, endoscopy, biopsy, H-Pylori infection diagnosis, two-month dose of antibiotics and Proton Pump Inhibitors, etc, some paranoia about atrophic gastritis and intrinsic factor disorder, etc), life seems to be okay. Work is boring this semester, and I've begun questioning my job choices.
On the plus side, I've picked up my first Arduino kit and I'm enjoying exploring that.
Apart from that, nothing much to report, really.
How's YOUR life been?
Let's start with the good..
So, I suppose, there's a huge chunk of me that IS my dad. Whether those parts of me are good, bad or somewhere in between - they still are a part of me, and will always be so. And I'm okay with that. I've been lucky to have my dad around most of my life, and when I needed him. He might not have been the most physically affectionate person, or one who believes in sharing and expressing his feelings and emotions to the people around him who care (something I've picked up from him), or an easily- approachable person. He's been emotionally distant, but still caring. He was someone I feared more, growing up, than adoring. He was the old guy I was embarrassed about when I was a kid, the only guy in the dhoti - the one out of place (and uncaring about it) in the PTA meetings. The guy who hates being in front of a camera (I do too), and who doesn't mind confrontations - be it with a street vendor or an auto driver, as long as he feels he is in the right. When I'm sick, he's around to make sure I take my medicines, or to keep inquiring about my health. He even insists on accompanying me to the doctor - even for tiny ailments. While he's not afraid to scare the hell out of me with his "possible diagnoses", he's there to reassure me it's nothing.
He certainly hasn't been the perfect guy - then again, who is?But whatever I am today - whoever I will end up being tomorrow - He will always be a part of me. I don't know if I can honestly say I love you, but I certainly do respect and admire the hell out you. But since I'm emotionally walled up like you, I probably won't tell this to your face, since we'd both end up in an awkward stare-off.
You are one of my heroes, dad. And I'm a better person with you around. And while I don't express this often enough, I'm thankful for that.
Happy Fathers' Day!
- My moral compass - I am not sure how it's oriented absolutely, but from my observations of the world around me, I can tell I'm a good person at heart - whatever that means. I have a strong judgmental streak, and am a reasonably good judge of character. And I'm terribly picky about making friends - and from my dad, I've learned to treasure them.
- Independence - I'm not sure if I can attribute my independence to my dad. He's always been the always-in-your-business kinda old-fashioned guys. Any choice I made as a kid, it was under his guidance. When I was younger, I never had to worry about anything - except whether or not I got any of the "luxuries" beyond my needs (I usually didn't). Dad has always valued hard-earned money, and independence. In fact, he never really let me experiment with my life, till I left home at 23, for my grad school abroad. And 4 years away from home, away from dad, really taught me just how much of effort was required to be truly independent. I learned how to deal with rent and finances, home maintenance and cooking, saving money and maintaining priorities, self reliance and independence.
- Self-Reliance - Dad has always hated being indebted to others, for whatever reason - financially or otherwise. And I've grown up to be just like him in that regard. I hate borrowing money from others - no matter how close. In fact, I hate asking dad for help even now. And it's not just money. I suppose being stubbornly independent has its downsides - admitting I needed help and then actually going out to get it - that was ridiculously hard, but I did it anyway. And it was worth it.
- Stubbornness - Dad, to the rest of my family (and extended family), is the epitome of stubbornness - or so everyone tells me. And I believe them, cause I've seen him being unyielding. And as it turns out, I'm even worse. I've been on streaks of opposition with my dad, when he's given in to me - even when I was not in the right. While stubbornness can achieve good, it's usually not a good thing - specially whenever I'm aware I'm wrong, but choose to be unbending, just for the sake of maintaining my position. I suppose I can learn from dad in this case - at least he knows when to admit he's wrong, and relents.
- DIY projects - Dad's stubborn self-reliance and value for money basically meant he avoided calling for professional help around the house, unless it was something big. So, even as a kid, I learned to fix faucets, mess with plumbing, repair switches, replace lightbulbs, put up fans and mess around with some masonry, how to wield tools from screwdrivers to spanners, hacksaws to hammers, multimeters and soldering irons, shears to trowels. And I'm all the better for it. I suppose I can get some macho points for that.
- My love for gadgets - Dad used to be an electrical engineer ( I suppose, at heart, he still is), and from a young age, has always had me helping him around the house, repairing stuff - be it electrical or mechanical or otherwise. As a kid, I learned about motors and resistors, vacuum tubes and transistors, multimeters and soldering irons, domestic wiring and transmission lines. I suppose it's not surprising I choose Electrical/Electronics Engineering as my major - and I still love it.
- My education - Dad has always insisted on proper education and learning new things. Every morning, he spends about an hour poring through the newspaper, and spends a large chunk of his TV time, watching NatGeo, Discovery or some news channels. When I was studying, he always insisted on good grades (and corporal discipline when I went awry), and made sure I put in enough study time. He's always insisted that my education take priority over other stuff, and I suppose I've been a decent student, and now a teachers. So, I suppose there's quite a bit I have him to thank for.
- Allergies - Damn you, genetics. I've inherited my dad's allergies for strong odors, dust, etc. Though, my allergies are nowhere as bad, and usually clear up faster. Still, it's an annoyance I have to deal with.
So, I suppose, there's a huge chunk of me that IS my dad. Whether those parts of me are good, bad or somewhere in between - they still are a part of me, and will always be so. And I'm okay with that. I've been lucky to have my dad around most of my life, and when I needed him. He might not have been the most physically affectionate person, or one who believes in sharing and expressing his feelings and emotions to the people around him who care (something I've picked up from him), or an easily- approachable person. He's been emotionally distant, but still caring. He was someone I feared more, growing up, than adoring. He was the old guy I was embarrassed about when I was a kid, the only guy in the dhoti - the one out of place (and uncaring about it) in the PTA meetings. The guy who hates being in front of a camera (I do too), and who doesn't mind confrontations - be it with a street vendor or an auto driver, as long as he feels he is in the right. When I'm sick, he's around to make sure I take my medicines, or to keep inquiring about my health. He even insists on accompanying me to the doctor - even for tiny ailments. While he's not afraid to scare the hell out of me with his "possible diagnoses", he's there to reassure me it's nothing.
He certainly hasn't been the perfect guy - then again, who is?But whatever I am today - whoever I will end up being tomorrow - He will always be a part of me. I don't know if I can honestly say I love you, but I certainly do respect and admire the hell out you. But since I'm emotionally walled up like you, I probably won't tell this to your face, since we'd both end up in an awkward stare-off.
You are one of my heroes, dad. And I'm a better person with you around. And while I don't express this often enough, I'm thankful for that.
Happy Fathers' Day!
Comments
create, invent, try
and write down good thoughts - or they are forgotten
come on dude, go go go
I personally can't stand Twitter because it's too busy, and I am terrible…