I'll be honest.  I'm a lazy person, hands-down, no doubt, and my fiance will definitely agree with me.  I hardly ever work out, but for a variety of excuses.  The most credible one would be my homework.  This semester I'm taking some hard classes with lots of homework, so that's taking a lot of my time this semester.  But other times I just make up stuff I have to do...my fish bowl needs cleaning (for the 5th time this week...), or I gotta wait for the laundry to be done!  The last question in Writer's Block doesn't even apply to me...I don't find fitness motivation.  I'm just lucky I have a high metabolism and can stay skinny without working out.

"If you could experience being dead for one day to learn what happens in the afterlife, and were guaranteed to return to life the following day, would you do it? Why or why not?"

Most definitely.  I'm a Christian, and I've always wanted proof that my faith was the right way.  If I could go for one day, learn exactly what would happen for sure, and then come back to have reassurance for myself and to tell people for sure what was going to happen, it'd be awesome.  It would take a lot of stress out of life.

I think I might be marrying him to avoid nights like tonight.  I've finally found someone that I can be comfortable with, who can see me with no make-up, who is perfectly happy staying home all day together curled up in bed watching re-runs on Netflix.  He's wonderful, but am I looking past all the flaws and differences because I'm afraid of the alternative?

Tonight he's at work and I'm off, so I'm home alone.  I like my evenings alone sometimes, but not too often. I'm lonely tonight, and I'd hate to think about spending every night like this.  If we break off our engagement, I'll actually have to be social.  As in going out to restaurants, bars, movies, etc. with friends.  I have friends now, but we have more of a "I'll see you at school, work, etc." relationship.  I just don't think I want to be more social than I already am.  Being social requires effort, and as much as I hate to say it, I'm a lazy shit.

So...that sounds really bad.  The previous argument comes down to marrying someone because I'm lazy.  That's not it.  Don't get me wrong, I love him.  He's great, amazing, wonderful...how many other positive words do you need to get the picture?  But he isn't perfect.  And I'm aware that I'm being idealistic, but I imagine perfection.  I want to be with the most perfect, handsome, most amazing man in the world, and that's so unrealistic.  Every marriage will have problems.  I just need to accept them, because I have my share of them too, trust me.

But am I marrying him because I'm afraid of being alone?  If I am, what happens later if I become more social, start enjoying going out again?  Then, if that's the only reason I'm with him, later I won't have a need for him, and that's not a healthy relationship at all. 

Sometimes I think that I'm too young to settle down, that I need to live some more and have more experiences with other people before I decide.  That might be true, but to be honest, I've had plenty of experiences in the dating world.  Most of it just sucks.  I've had the spectrum: the abusive boyfriend, the clingy stalker "never leave me again!" boyfriend, the creepy "I love you" on the first date boyfriend, the long-distance boyfriend.  I've had the random meet a guy at the bar or club time and I've been through date rape.  I think that's plenty of experiences, moreso, plenty of bad experiences.  Maybe another reason why I'm so quick to get engaged to the first guy that's actually decent to me.  Better than decent, incredible is more like it.  He's the epitome of boyfriends in my experiences, but could there be better?  And even though I've had all those experiences, I find myself jealous of my girlfriends when we go out to a club or party and they dance with random guys.  I was at a party recently, and my best friend got drunk and hooked up with a guy there.  I'm about to sound like a slut, I know, but I kind of miss that.  At times I feel like I haven't had enough of those "do whatever you want with no consequences" nights.

I'm just confused.  I want to marry him, but sometimes I don't.  I don't know if I'm ready.  Maybe I am. Who knows.

          I sit here and stare at Your works.
The beauty of Your creation.

For the first time in a long time, I am happy.

Your presence takes away my reservation.

I am not worthy to be Your daughter.

Yet You took me in.

You loved and cared for me.

And took away my sin.

O my God, my Savior.

I am clean and pure in Your eyes.

My filth blinds me.

But in Your love, my sin dies.