I feel ugly and like I don't deserve anything good.

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

things to remember that will keep saving my life over and over again
1) "Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, 'So what.' That's one of my favorite things to say. 'So what.'

'My mother didn't love me.' So what.

'My husband won't ball me.' So what.

'I'm a success but I'm still alone.' So what.

I don't know how I made it through all the years before I learned how to do that trick. It took a long time for me to learn it, but once you do, you never forget." ~Andy Warhol

2) "Attachment is the source of all suffering." ~Buddha

I want to get "so what" tattooed across my wrist so I can look at it every time one of my stupid fucking insignificant problems pops up and starts swimming around in my brain.

Also, I think it was T who taught me to view myself as a character in a really angsty movie. When I see myself in this sort of detached way, my behavior seems comically overdramatic and I have to laugh.

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

Generic Form for Cover Letter
To whom it may concern:

I am writing in regards to your dull-sounding lab tech job that I stumbled upon on the UGA website while desperately searching for something, anything in my field.

I find myself probably over-qualified for this position, though I find it cute that you are suggesting the applicant have a masters degree. As I am a middle school graduate,I am well versed in following directions, taking and jotting down simple measurements, writing, and doing simple math. I am skilled in bullshitting too and will now use it here to provide a bedazzled summary of my previous work experience and lab research I have been involved in.

Your project sounds absolutely *intriguing* and I would *love* to be part of it. Thanks for your consideration.

AJN

Current Mood: cranky

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

*sigh*
I thought for a hot minute that I would be going to a remote island in Chile in January to do botanical surveying, but it's going to cost a lot more than expected, so a big nay on that idea. I got my panties in a big twist over nothing.

I will have my adventure someday.

Current Mood: disappointed

(2 Comments |Comment on this)

Secret:
I think Lady Gaga's meat dress was fucking rad.

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

Things I've been doing since I got internet access
looking up pictures of my celebrity crushes

listening to all my favorite pop songs

watching porno

The internet! It's amazing!

Oh yeah, also I discovered that this drunk guy I met last week posted a missed connections ad for me on craigslist. teehee!

Current Mood: amused

(Comment on this)

Heart revived
I had a phone conversation with Trevor today that made me feel so alive and so okay about myself because we have similar troubles in life and it's good to have someone to relate to. Like how everyone is growing old around us but we feel like we're still the same age and we're no longer able to relate to people our age as far as playing the game of acceptable social interactions. I had vague plans to be in Athens by my birthday, but knowing Trevor will be in Athens the first week of January, I HAVE to be there. We have to have a dual birthday party featuring spin-the-bottle because really, fuck maturity.

The other night I thought it would be fun to get drunk alone while listening to punk rock and drawing pictures so I did just that. Then I went to a free show and danced with myself and walked downtown and got donuts. It was everything a girl could ask for. The night felt electric here. All the vegetation flickering in the wind and the sky lit up in red/white. I thought maybe the world was ending.

I'm going to miss living across the driveway from Ed and not being able to walk everywhere anymore. Supposedly there's a playground near where I'm moving where everything spins. I need to stock up on Dramamine. It'll be hell of nice to have furniture to sit on and a washer and dryer.

(2 Comments |Comment on this)

I've been sleeping on my back.
School started today. The last semester of undergrad. I've been on top of my shit lately. I feel very level. My heart isn't leaping out of my chest over anything or anyone. Listening to A Way With Words and laughing as I chop vegetables, really enjoying my own company.

Current Mood: mellow

(Comment on this)

Tired of writing my postings in list format.
Engrid moved away. I've been alternately playing a really dorky RPG in my nintendo DS and spending a lot of time with friends to escape my gloom. It's a good balance. Trying not to let myself go which living alone tends to lead me to. I've been in a "not taking any bullshit from anyone" phase which has been good because I'm normally so passive. This co-worker that I have never liked... after holding my ground with him for so long I realized I just couldn't do it anymore, so I told my boss I can't work with this guy anymore. I mean, life is seriously too precious to go through it hating my job every day because of some asshole. I need space in my day and this guy had crossed my boundaries so many times and invaded my physical and psychic space in ways I don't even know how to verbalize. Boss said "I know what you mean. I've had to be around him too." Haha. I don't have to work with him anymore, but boss is hard pressed to find enough separate work for me. Money could be a problem, but I can use this time to kick back and appreciate the scenery here before moving. Maybe working on some art. Maybe writing my senior thesis proposal. Maybe starting to do some free herbal consultations for practice (hint hint anyone who is reading this.)
The summer has been an herbal wonderland. I've been doing a lot of wildcrafting and medicine making: wild oats tincture, more St. John's wort oil than I know what to do with, Grindelia tincture, Garrya tincture, fresh lemon balm tincture (the zingiest thing I've ever dropped upon my tongue.) I bought a crock pot and a good coffee grinder. My grandma used up all the herbal healing ointment I sent her so I get to make more in my crock pot. I've been learning new medicine making techniques like how to properly extract alkaloids and polysaccharides. I'm going to try my luck at percolating with this sawed-off wine bottle and notched cork that I carried home from New Mexico last summer. I'm going to make some more chaparral salve because I gave all my last batch away.
My job lately has taken me to two very different locations. One is a marsh. Wet, grey, full of tall grasses and ticks. The other is the dry hot mountains east of town full of scrubby twisted plants and mosquitos. Both places: absolutely beautiful. Spending my lunches laying on the cool pickelweed watching egrets and swallows circle over my head or jumping of rocks into an eight foot deep swimming hole in the south fork of the Trinity with fish circling under my feet. Munching on frozen grapes. Life is good.
In a month I'm moving into a room in a beautiful house in a quiet neighborhood next to the community forest with a 50-something year old new-agey cat guy. Wireless internet and a built-in book shelf. Walking to school through the forest. Planting cool-weather veggies.
I think the bangs need to come back soon because I don't think the world can handle the epic proportions of my forehead. Oh yeah, and I've been getting into baseball a little, although the heckling makes me feel sorry for the other team.
P.S. If I have to listen to John Mayer one more time, I'm going to lose my shit.

Current Mood: content

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

Thanks Cade for reminding me that I need to post sometimes.
1) I saw not one, but TWO different species of basidiolichen in one day. Lucky me!

2) Queer dancing sunday night was fun. Engrid and I made up a new dance and one of the DJs played that "shorty swing my way" song which was my favorite high school mall jam.

3) I potted up my herbs and they are thriving in all this newly-formed root space. Happy happy plants.

4) Made a new friend. One day of hanging out and we already have matching barrettes.

5) There are more and more partly sunny, non-rainy days all the time. I've been wearing shorts every once in a while. Not that it's really warm enough for that, but it's a good way of saying "fuck you" to the weather.

6) Engrid and I went to the Arcata marsh. It astounds me that I've avoided going there until now. It's really pretty great- we saw frogs, a snake, duckling, lots and lots of other birds, Ribes in bloom.

7) I've been taking a series of rock climbing classes which has been fun, although I don't think I would ever be doing any roped climing except for at the gym for exercise. We had to do a rappel off a 100 ft high rock. I attempted it and panicked like 5 times before I actually did it, but I did it and was super proud of myself. Seriously leaning backwards off the side of a cliff goes against every bit of wisdom I've collected since I was born.

8) On the topic of climbing, I had this badass dream in which Steve Sillette, the professor here that researches tall trees and has been featured in National Geographic, was hosting an Easter beer hunt in the Redwood forest in which he had suspending painted beer cans from the branches of tall trees so that one would have to climb the tree to retrieve them.

9) I've been putting on a lot of weight lately which means I've regained all the baby fat in my face. I look pretty cute.

10) The farmer's market has commenced for the season which way facilitates my desire to eat locally. It also forces you to cook with food you wouldn't normally buy or combine. Like leeks and bok choy because there's really not much else available yet.

(2 Comments |Comment on this)

Brocolli-tooth-bitch
1) I didn't think I was eligible for financial aid anymore, but apparently I still am. Got a good chunk of money coming my way to get me through what will be my final semester and taking out a little more than I need to help me move the hell away from here and settled down into jobless uncertainty.

2) I finally got a job. I now wash biology lab dishes and help prep for labs 10 hours a week. Not super fun or lucrative, but It's taken me my entire time in CA to find a job and I finally have one, so yay. I may have secured a summer job too doing some landscaping here. It will be totally good if I don't have to move away this summer.

3) The nurse let me look at my cervix with a mirror/flashlight/speculum which was super-neat.

4) Engrid discovered one TV channel that comes in relatively clear on her TV and that channel happens to show two episodes of Married With Children followed by two episodes of Roseanne every night. Score.

5) The picture of the turtle in the latest issue of National Geographic= both the cutest and most terrifying thing I have ever seen.

6) Devising numerous ways to fuck with debt collectors since we keep getting calls from people looking for Engrid's brother. Haven't gotten to use them yet, but my favorite idea is to tell them that I'll give them A.'s number if they do a madlib with me.

7) I've come to some really important self-realizations over the past week that have made a lot of room for transformation in my life. It's been emotionally exhausting, but I know I'll come out a better person on the other side. The details are rather boring, but if you really want to hear about it, then maybe I'll write you a letter.

8) I painting my fingernails and toenails this realy obnoxious flourescent pink color that is reminiscent of my first Huffy bicycle, and yes I feel pretty bad-ass about it.

9) Talked to some homies on the phone that I hadn't talked to in ages. Stories and gossip and good times.

10) There is a new queer dance night once a month now at Arcata Theater Lounge. Never will I have to drive to Eureka and worry about staying sober. I didn't go last week but I hear that Humboldt queers know how to get down, so pretty excited.

(Comment on this)

Top Ten list number 4!
Note: Cougar= Engrid now. Back to her birth name.

1) Ok, first and foremost, I emerged from a two-week-long funk and I feel great. My anxiety has melted away and I feel totally calm and much more positive of a person. Took me no effort at all to come up with this list. My sexuality has even rebounded a bit.
2) Engrid wrote me a song! It was supposed to be for my birthday, but I didn't get it until after her birthday because the same string kept breaking on her guitar, so she just finally reformulated the song with 5 strings. Guess what- it's fucking good. Made me cry for a good hour.
3) So the upstairs neighbors... apart from them being musicians, being nice, having good energy, and being quiet at all the right times... The boy stated that he makes awesome cupcakes which is officially the cutest thing a straight dude has ever said.
4) Brag alert: I make the best damn vegan gravy on the planet. I could eat a bowl of it with a spoon.
5) I downloaded lots of good music the other day to listen to on my roadtrip including songs I heard from movies that I didn't know how to ever find them again i.e. that really cute song from Cria Cuervos. Whee! I must confess this girl knows how to make a sweet mix, so if anyone wants to trade with me... I'm really liking new music in my life right now.
6) Erielle got her studio space which means figure drawing circles which means me painting a whole lot more.
7) Engrid beat me at Scrabble. This is on the list because it means I now have a new worthy Scrabble opponent. Also, I consider it a crowning achievement on my part because she's been training under my wing. My baby doesn't need my help anymore!
8) Bought a new houseplant, but cannot for the life of me remember what it is. Engrid appropriately named her Fanta Willis.
9) Watched Halloween 4 featuring Engrid's dad as a minor character and Engrid herself as an extra. Completely weird. Got a good laugh.
10) Rewatched Born in Flames. It never stops being completely amazing.

(3 Comments |Comment on this)

New Rule:
I'm not allowed to post anything in here anymore unless I can keep it posi. I've been reading over old posts (most of which I have deleted) and they amounted to one giant complain-fest. Maybe because I don't complain very much in real life, so I feel like I need a secret outlet for it. But really, it was starting to seem like I have this horrible life and am unhappy all the time, which is totally not the case. So let's start here:

10 Things That Have Made me Happy in the Past Week: (not in any order)

1) Budding friendship with a nerdy botany girl who I swear is my soul twin.
2) Jason gave me a ride on his scooter. Wheee!
3) Belgian waffles at Mosgo's on sundays.
4) Attended a really cool poisonous plant lecture.
5) Cougar bought Scattergories, which we have been playing a lot!
6) Paint sale at the art store.
7) Nabbed a copy of an old Ascos and Basidios test which helps SO MUCH in my study efforts.
8) Cougar and I eating Strauss ice cream in bed while watching The Office... always a good time.
9) My herb seeds have sprouted! Babies! So many of them!!! (Dill, mint, lemon balm, basil)
10) Taxes= done. And I'm getting soooooo much more money back than I had ever hoped for.

I think I'm going to try to do a top ten list every week. Great therapy.

Current Mood: optimistic

(2 Comments |Comment on this)

le sigh
I've officially fallen in platonic love with someone. In this I can't believe they even exist they're so cool I wanna hang out with them every day of my life sort of way. Last time I felt this way about a person, they moved like a month later and it really bummed me out. So... yay!

Current Mood: mellow

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

Apartment Love
Just found the apartment of my dreams today. Right by school. Hardwood floors. Big bright windows. NOT MOLDY. Pray for me.

Current Mood: hopeful

(Comment on this)

The new Harry Potter movie...
kind of disappointing, but I get to anticipate the release of Where the Wild Things Are all the way 'til October.

(3 Comments |Comment on this)

albino oak
On a message board I frequent, someone just posted a photograph they took of an albino oak sapling. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life and it's going to die because it doesn't have any photosynthetic pigments. I wish I could post it for y'all, but I refuse to upgrade my livejournal account.

(1 Comment |Comment on this)

Whoever said Up was better than Wall-E...
is full of beans.

(Comment on this)

My problem
So in Arcata I had this problem that I was stuck in that silly town without a car and I was surrounded by beauty on all sides and just could not get there.

Here I am stuck at this house without a car and I step out of my house and there are beautiful things all around me and I just want to be downtown at the Denny's drinking shitty coffee and spying on tourists.

I think I just always want to be wherever I am not.

Current Mood: bored

(Comment on this)

I can't figure anything out.
Nervous... flitting about the house trying to figure out what exactly I want to be doing with my time. Thinking that there has got to be something I'm supposed to be doing but I forget. I tried to do that thing where you sit down and eat, not doing anything but chewing and tasting your food, but every time the food was in my mouth I forgot to enjoy it. I brought the rain south with me and after the rain stopped there was a rainbow and bunnies. I feel like my life is already way too short. I found a grey hair on my head today.

Current Mood: anxious

(Comment on this)