I am up this morning at 6 am because i finally got a night of amazing sleep. Z and i had a rough day and could not make it to the things we wanted. He went to the MC Frontalot concert because it was a block from our place and he had time to get there.


I have fucked up a lot in the last 6 months. A LOT. I have been through the extremes of depression for months. I flaked on promises i made for people because I simply could not get them done. No matter how i tried, or what i did couldn't do it. For everyone i have flaked on, you know who you are. I am SORRY. In ways that are not explainable, I am so very sorry.

Joe, i am sorry i could not get the costuming done. I am working on cloaks right now to at least give you something for your third movie. Forgive me, i know you had to scramble to get stuff done. I am very sorry.

Inge. I am sorry i could not finish your tribal pieces by your birthday. I wanted so bad to have them done for you. I am sorry other things have been put in the back round also. Please forgive me.

Jamie. There are many things that we should have talked about. There are so many times i should have been there, just as family. I have missed so much. Please forgive me.

Margie. I knit my little fingers off only to be defeated by pain. I made a promise and i broke it. let me know how i can make it up. Please forgive me.

Dave. I made a promise to you and only kept part of it. I am sorry. I want to continue where we left off. Meaning if you feel like it, gym tomorrow. I swim and finish the spread sheet of your work out and we can go over it again.

Zach. I love you.

Sheri. I have been promising coffee for ages and i never offer, mostly due to intimidation. So i offer now, give me a time i got the place and we can meet and talk.

Krista. I have needed to get pictures to you a Chris for ages. And pictures for you. I am setting my studio, for reals so when you get a chance and you have time to sit down let me know and we can talk.

Corry. I wish i could have been at your party. i am very upset i missed it. I' am sorry.

Ohana. I have hidden from friends and loved ones like Grendel in his cave. I love you. And i might need some help getting pulled from that cave, emotional and physical, i ask for your help and forgiveness for hiding and forgetting that there are people who love me and only want the best.

Anyone else. I tried to think of all the people i may have wronged and list them here. If i have wronged you, broken a promise, know that i am sorry and beg your forgiveness.


I offer no excuses. I do hope if the door is still open to our friend ship i can try again, and work towards make amends.

I apologize to everyone to start off with.  This is not directed towards most people, only a select few, however it seems I need to make a general announcement just in case.  ( Rantage, move on.Collapse )
End Rant.

I still love you.

I should know better.  I really should.  I know better than to go cold turkey on any meds that tell you not too.  It is for some very obvious reasons.  Sometimes I forgot to pick up my meds, or the pharmacy is closed, or its only a day or two how bad can it be. 

LIES.  Lies I tell myself to negate the responsibility I have for what happens next.
So saturday is our last day of gaming with becca, and I had run out of meds on thursday, meaning I was two days off at this point.  When suddenly in the middle of the game my head starts to ache.  This is normal, we had been gaming for a number of hours straight and the kitchen table is not exactly the most comfortable of places for marathon sessions.  With increasing visciousness the headache hurts more and more.  J is very kindly and gives me half a narc.  Nada.  Doesn't even remotely touch the pain.  I take the second half with the same results.  By this time it is almost imposible to actually see as the lights were way to bright and the noise of the rolling dice felt like ice picks.  I take the offer to lay down for a few after whimpering quite pathetically on the hubby.  A half hour or so passes with no results.  J kindly offers again this time Soma a muscle relaxant.  And wonder of wonders it actually does the trick, and keeps the headache at bay for several hours.  She gives me one to take home so I could hopefully sleep it off.  On the way home small garden Gnomes attempted to jackhammer their way out of my skull and I cried and dry heaved and whimpered and held my aching head.  The Soma did the trick again and the head ached seemed to go away. 
Monday rolls around and I wake up to a panic attack.  A full blown heart racing attack.  I can't leave the house, I can't look out the window I can't even fathom the idea of outside with out freaking the hell out.  After several hours of sleeping and calming down, I suddenely hit overdrive and went into mania.  I confused the poor workers at home depot after talking at them faster than the speed of sound.  The had to be certain I was tweaking.  I got home and worked on the yard until crashing.  Thankfully I picked up my meds and had taken them.  Tuesday I wake up the shaking hands, paranoia and exhaustinon.  Like not leaving bed without crawling exhaustion.  Then this morning.  That sneaky headache that seemed like it went away?  Yeah no.  Bastard had been waiting at the back of my brain and resurfaced.  It brought some friends, dry heaves and UC flare.  I go to the hosptial because I can't take another day of that kind of pain, and I am not going to go to J to be my pusher every time.  At the hosptial they start with morphine.  I laugh and tell them that Morphine is like giving me saline.  It will make me see pretty colors and won't do squat for the pain.  And sure enough nada squat.  They up the ante with another kind of pain med.  Still nothing, and now vertigo had started and added to the nausea.  Finally they brought out the big guns and gave me Demeral.  Good idea but no prize.  Still nothing.  I have a migraine that has me crawling out of my skin and it mocked their highest pain med.  I tell the doc to give me a scrip for a decent dose of narcs and a muscle relaxant and I would take care of the damn thing myself.  This is after the brain scan indicating that (duh) I had no tumor or anything else of concern.  Just the freaking Headache of DOOOOOOOOOM!

Home now and after twice the dose of Soma and Narcs the headache has retreated again.  We will see if it decides to go away or to stalk me.  If it comes back again, its back to the brink I go for more tests and a hosiptal stay this time.  Blah.

On a side note the house warming is going to be rescheduled for more likely the 31st of January due to moving, and comicon the next couple of week ends.  So here is an early warning.  If you can make it score.  If not its ok. But we would love to see you there.  And if you so have a desire for a house warming gift... Gift certificates to Lowes or Home Depot would not be amiss.  Or Home Depot has some lovely flower bulbs right now, Like Peonies and Callas and Bearded Iris and many other wonderful bulbs they would make a great addition to my collection.  Just saying

Alright off to sleep off the meds and the head ache.

Leave me a comment and I will reply with why I like you. If I don't know you, I'll either make something up or tell you why I like your LiveJournal. You must pay for the privilege by posting a message like this one on your LiveJournal.

So I may have approached some of you in this regard but I thought I would put this out and see who wanted what. As many of you know I am currently in the middle of buying a house, getting sick and going to school. I am taking photo 2 and have a rather HUGE final project that I have to start working on Now. My project is "The Artist and their Art" This is a rather wide range of things that I am working essentially the project is in two parts. The first part is the artist in a known environment on a white background with a prop of their choice. I am asking that it be something to do with their art. Then I am going to do a set of "action" shots or shots of them doing their art. I have asked 2 people so far but will need at least 5. JT I would like to make time with you ASAP to get your shots done.

So the question is, do you have an artist talent? Of any sort? Can you knit sew dance paint photograph write calligraphy underwater basket weaving? Anything. And do you have time for me to take sets of pictures of you? And if you have been wanting pictures of you and your SO I would be happy to do that at the same time.

If you do let me know. I will of course provide you a proof of what I use for my final so that you can have it.

Not only was he one of the sexiest actors to ever grace the screen, he was a staunch activist and all around pretty cool dude.

Take a moment to remember a legend.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favorite and least favorite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you re-post this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
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So here we are again, and I have some super announcements. Sin Aesthesia has another show! And this one is much longer and funnier and enteraining than our last. Same bat place and channel. We will be at the firehouse starting between 830 and 9. Get there early for parking. We will still have dancing girls, and fire, and CAN CAN!

So come and enjoy.

And just incase you miss the first one we have a show the next day at Fetish Falls. We will be doing several sets of dancing and one fire set! So bring your money and booty out !


I know return you to your regularly scheduled journal!