uhh... I've been having major insecurity issues lately
and I know that's it's healthy to have a few- completely understandable
but lately
it's just
been way overboard
i question everything i do
i have to look into a mirror all the time
i find myself- more sensitive?

every aspect in my life, i've looked over it all and i just...
can't find anything to be confident about.

I don't feel good in my own skin anymore...


I feel like all I ever to is rant and get all emo on this blog, I'll try making a REAL post soon, because my life isn't that bad, actually!

 haven't been on LJ in awhile, lol. 

I've just kind of been on tumblr the whole time and totally forgot about this site orz 

http://zumanity.tumblr.com/
anyways
not really anything worth posting
just being a hermit and all so yeah

 - - 

 it's been about twenty days since I've posted anything real on tumblr (estimate)
or rather stayed on for more than fifteen minutes

I miss talking to all my international friends, and.. her 
i'm going to go on this weekend though, I promise. 
and hit my upload limit within the first hour
then proceed to just spend the rest of the night reblogging and talking to everyone again 
going through archives to see what I've been missing
all that jazz

contrary to popular belief (apparently) though, I'm not very popular
or rather i never feel like it

I have many acquaintances, and haters
but only a handful of people I can truly say are close to the heart~ 
unfortunately though, quite a few of them are freaking out over IB
... B| 
So I'm kind of stuck with the few that are available 

I've grown so distanced from all the people I use to spend countless nights on the phone/skype with ... 
this makes me sad. 

 even though i tried my best to hold it in, i couldn't. 

in the end though, even though i really wanted to just sob

i limited myself so much 

 does this still irritate me so much

i've managed to just skimp by this far

so why 

do i still get a headache over these things 

Compared to how much I use to post? Anyways,
Tumblr has done a good job at taking over my life @@  maybe I should delete my account... 
lmfao yeah right

I've been sick the past week unfortunately ><
I'm suppose to get the most stuff done too.. and see the most people..

my friend from toronto is visiting and I really want to see her~ haha
oh god she's so cool now.. *A*
while i'm still a loser
and another from Chilliwack too~

I still have so much left to do... and a week has gone by of winter break.
I feel like I've just been wasting away... //emo corner orz

my motivation to do anything has just hit a halt.
I've gotten a lot closer with this girl lately too haha~
we're so weird its amazing but I feel really comfortable around her~~ haha.  maybe because we talk 5 hrs a night till 5AM orz

even now this post feels so forced... ( small rant nobody should readCollapse )

My neighbour is flooding (I live in an apartment complex).. so now I have to remove all my crap and cords off the floor in case it spreads.


WHAT IF I HAVE TO USE THE BATHROOM ;A;

I WANT TO GO SHOWER ;A;

MY DISHES WILL BE SO DIRTY ;A;

...

What am I going to do with my amps? LOL

and how am I going to remove all the cords...

//dies


LIKE ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS. EVERYTHING IS HOOKED UP TO MY ROOM. IF WATER ENTERS HERE I'M SO DONE FOR //SIGH.

TIME TO SLEEP WITH RUBBER BOOTS ON?

Tried drawing an hour or two ago, as usual my males are fine but my female anatomy is still a little off. I can't think clearly though... My head hurts. Does this mean somebody misses me? Not a chance.

Since this morning though.. I can't stop thinking about her. I want to ask her so many things that I should be writing down but each time I pick up that pen and press the paper my heart stops. Then I once again push everything to the side and run out to the world because it's more comforting than the sound of her voice.

It makes me wonder sometimes.
Do you still love me?
Where are you?
Why are you incognito?
Are you even alive?

Then I realize how pointless it is- trying to reach her.
I'm sick of these games she plays. Yet somehow I still press start.
Maybe one day I'll find you again,
Then again,
Maybe that day will never come.


Am I ok with that?

Whatever. I'll just ignore this elephant until it decides to lose some weight so I can shove through the window.



First time posting anything related to this issue.
Most likely my last.

Hell week is finished!! /dies

Friday wasn't bad though :) I got to chill w/ CC after the talent show (which was really good!) but afterwards I've realized how much I've lost touch with my closest friends. So now it's time to reconnect? I've got two weeks to work my ass off, paint like crazy, clean, prepare for midterms, do my oral, read a book + analyze, take care of overdue taxations, make appointments, make myself sane again... ASDFGHJKL;' OMGOSH WHY IS THERE SO MUCH //ORZ

On a higher note, if I manage to survive today.. it would mean 1 week no smoke :D Though, I'm not gonna lie...I'll probably end up starting again... but at least I know I can quit.

xmas gifts are still really messy.. I need to get started NOW!... or tomorrow orz

I think I'm sick (physically lol) so I'll rummage around for a couple Advils later.. but for now? Food awaits me.

じゃね、
リサＢＬＡＱＵＥ。

Not even halfway. This week has just been a pain in the ass, the teachers are cramming, people are on the edge, and I am sitting at home surfing pixiv.

Finally showed my dad the report card... I've done so shitty this term. Mostly because of stress and anxiety but the only person I can really blame is myself. Either way, my average right now is only about 75-80%... minus a math and french.

I got yelled at ;A; I'm so sick and tired of my dad not knowing 90% of the things recently going on. So now he just assumes I'm lazy and good for nothing.. Which I can't really bring myself to completely deny.. it's just.. he's only focussing on my worst subjects. 41% in Math and 60% in French. I don't get why my French mark is so low... Apparently this teacher marks by how much she likes you. How annoying. Math I understand (my mark) and accept it, I try at times and others I don't. Mr. R said I could reach a 60% if I really tried though :)

Either way, I have a bunch of stuff to get done this week so I'll just cope with it.

Is winter break here yet? I really shouldn't be complaining but the week has just started and all I can think about is sleeping in. I probably won't get the chance to because work is going to be hectic... added on with xmas gifts... :/

The only reason I want the break is so I can improv my art at least ten fold. I'm not even kidding, all I want to do is just lock myself up in my room and paint ridiculous amounts. I really just want to get started on my commissions (once again sorry, guys ;A;) and other concepts I have laying around. I wish I could afford a proper anatomy class... my penises and breasts look so awkward ;A;

LOL what am I playing poor for? I can easily pay for one, I just don't want to give up the cash and end up broke after. Provided coffee and food won't do that for me.

Anyways, quit smoking for the week. Haven't had one since Sunday ~__~ maybe that's why I just want it to be over. I honestly do want to quit, but I can never see myself keeping off them... concerts and friends will be exceptions. Tomorrow is probably a good day to stop skipping art and french too...

DON'T DO METH!!
or else creepy pplz hide in your shower..

Made a Tumblr last night... now to deal with css codes all over again orz

...Anyways, I connected my lj to my Tumblr (even though in my tumblr bio I made it out that there weren't going to be any emo posts LOL) but the thing is, lj cut text just completely disappears. So those following me on Tumblr wondering why some text posts seem cut off, it's just because Tumblr doesn't do the lj cut LOL

I'm tired = = new Bakuman ep is out but I'm not in the mood orz