Thursday night someone posted that the Yuletide signup deadline was imminent. My first thought was "Oh, it's that time of year? Neat." Because, see. I don't do Yuletide. I have always been
deeply intimidated by multifandom fic exchanges. As a lifelong monofannish type, three fandoms has always seemed like an impossible gamble: how could I possibly write for any of that many things??
Except then something in my brain went "!!!" and wouldn't let me sleep until I'd looked at the tags. And. Yes. The thing I was thinking about was indeed nominated. And the second thing I thought of. And the third.
HMM.
...I think participating in Festivids and FTH has been breaking down my mental blocks? Because I signed up to my first Festivids (I'm on my third now) with the same "How could I
possibly...!" attitude. And then I could. Not just make a vid, but also make treats. For completely new-to-me sources. Which lead to me offering to vid literally anything for FTH, and then having a blast with my request.
Also, in the meantime I have been... not writing. Aggressively Not Writing. The last time I felt an actual burst of creativity that made me excited to write was in 2021. I have a fic posted to AO3 in 2022 that was me trying very hard to prove to myself that I wasn't running out of creative juices. Then I ran out of creative juices. (Okay, that's unfair to my creative juices. What happened was my autoimmune system tried very hard to kill me, and I had a hellish six months, and then had to adjust to having a new type of bodily function and then I had another surgery and then my autoimmune system tried to kill me
again and I had to have
three surgeries and yet another type of new bodily function. And that last surgery was literally six months ago, so. I've been. Distracted.)
Anyway. Thursday night an idée fixe glommed on to my brain like a suckerfish on a shark: sign up for Yuletide. Yes, for real. No, it doesn't matter that I haven't even been reading fic for half a decade. It's only 1000 words! There are no penalties for defaulting! And most importantly: I've missed writing. I've missed it in the sense that it has felt like something missing from my life, being without it. Something I've ached for. And it's been years and I haven't been able to pull more than a drabble together, but it's something I am desperate to do. So: external accountability! A prompt! A recipient who wants to read what I write, even in a new-to-me fandom, even if it falls short of my self-imposed perfectionism.
Why not do it? Why not try? It can't hurt...?
This was less than 24 hours before the deadline. And, again, I have
never done this before so I didn't even know that there was a
Tagset App or anything like that. I just went to the Yuletide page on AO3 and manually scrolled thousands of shows and books and other things, surprised at how many I recognized, other than the three my little sharksucker of an impulse had already identified.
Friday morning I texted my best friend about it, and she immediately enabled me. I tried to tell her I don't know if I can still write, and she waved that away. It's like riding a bicycle! (My idée fixe pointed out that falling off a bicycle hurts a lot more than not writing does.) So I went on Bluesky, and all of a suddenly a bunch of mutuals were waving Yuletide pompoms at me, coming with advice and reassurance, and it didn't seem impossible anymore.
I clocked out of work early so I could go look at it all from the big screen of my home office. Signing up to Yuletide for the first time ever is not a smartphone sort of thing. Also I needed a good dozen tabs open to look at rules and sign-up summary and letters and tags...!
With some hand-holding from Bluesky buddies, and tiled tabs guiding me through the process one step at the time, I started a Dear Yuletide Writer letter of my own, and hit "Submit" with a couple of hours to spare before the deadline.
So. That's happening!
My Yuletide letter is over here - a cautious three requests while I dip my toes in with five offers (I made sure the ones that had letters would be ones I wouldn't mind attempting).
At the same time I am also doing Festivids, but there I've gone all out with
ten requests! And only one of them overlaps with Yuletide, because I literally only just finished watching the one that manifested the mental suckerfish.
Oh yeah, both letters include some files for some shows and movies I've enjoyed, so check them out if you're looking for recs!