| You'll all be so proud of me |
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| 09:01am 15/10/2005 |
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Been fighting a downward spiral all week. Every since he asked to meet up with his last ex. (just to talk, of course) They've been apparently emailing back and forth at work. Doesn't help I've been missing the intellectual intimacy for quite some time. Satisfying his carnal needs just leaves me cold and empty w/out a deeper connection.
Spent the night fighting the demons. I held them at bay by going numb. When morning came, I thought about what I said the last time. Seek and He will answer. I miss not going to church (since I can't drive myself yet) So I did the next best thing. I re-discovered why I love my favorite band so much.
takes a long to download initially, then it's all good.
http://www.delirious.co.uk/media/everything_small.mov
( It's a beautiful dayCollapse )
and just becuase it's so fun
http://www.delirious.co.uk/media/waiting_small.mov
It's time to live for me.....for the things I want and need. Those who don't follow weren't destined to be with me anyway. |
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| Grr... |
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| 12:10pm 27/09/2005 |
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mood:  discontent
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Well, as is typical of livejournal and such, some people only post when things aren't going so well. I guess I'm one of those people.
I had been doing pretty good, things were leveling out and I was feeling comfortable. But over the last two weeks things have just gone steadily downhill for me. As some of you already know I'm currently stuck in an bad situation for about another year and a half. I've been keeping myself up by getting things organized in my life and learning new things, trying to make friends and go out on dates and such. Problem is that I've just about run out of distractions. I don't make much so I can't afford to go out and do new things all the time and I hate bars and clubs so my options for meeting new people are pretty slim in this town.
This morning I a step up on my anti-depressant. Won't really see how it affects me for a week or so. However, I have noticed something that's been slowly and subtly changing. I've developed a bit of a stutter. I starting to stumble over words or repeat a word and most of the time I don't realize it. I caught myself today and asked a co-worker if I've been stuttering and they said yes. I'm also developing a stutter in my typing too. I'll either hit the wrong button or hit the same one twice instead of once. I'm a pretty fast typer so it's really irritating to have to be using backspace all the time. (count at least 15 times just in making this post.)
I don't like this at all, but my next appointment isn't until 2 weeks from now. *sigh* |
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| 10:14pm 01/09/2005 |
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I just needed to hide a bit longer. The storm was almost over. When will I learn? I've yet to call out and He not answer me. Since I'm now on bedrest and completely bored, I was searching my closet for a magazine I got awhile ago and came across my prayer book we're using in our Bible study group. Since I'll miss Saturday's session to hang with equally wonderful friends, I thought it'd be nice to read ahead and do the lesson by myself.
Perfect timing as always:
( Meeting the Mountain-MoverCollapse ) |
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| life line |
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| 05:00am 20/09/2005 |
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having another life depending on me is about all that's keeping me in this world right now.
pray for me the darkness fades soon. that the clouds will break and the sun will shine again. |
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| Turtle time |
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| 07:37am 29/07/2005 |
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Haven't posted in a bit. Been terribly busy. wedding, house cleaning, painting, ect. Things going ok. Ups and downs. I try to follow the therapist's advice. I keep running into hostility and brick walls. And people wonder why I turtle up and hide. Why I don't share my wants and needs. It's easier to not have any desires than voice them and still get ignored.
Love hearing from you guys. Makes me feel connected to something out there. so:
Tell me how ya doing. |
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| Psych Evals |
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| 08:37pm 25/07/2005 |
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mood:  calm
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Sorry there hasn't been much posting lately. We don't have that big of a membership at the moment and  sexymathteacher has had a full personal life this whole last week and I've been extremely busy with work and such. If you gals/guys want to promote this community to try and get it a little more bustling please do so.
At any rate, things have been kinda strange for me. We may have finally found the right level of meds for me, but we'll know for sure in about a month because I have some personal trials coming up. I've been relatively happy so far but then again it's been a couple of fairly stress free weeks. But that will be severaly diminished in about 2 weeks. So like I said... we'll see.
I'm still trying to sort out what is my little piece in this world for the current time so I have lots to keep my mind occupied. I'm also exploring into some new hobbies to keep me calm and such. I've been getting little panic attacks here and there and some of my dreams have been rather provoking, but I'm holding it together and that is what counts, right?
Well, that's all for me for now. I will of course keep you folks updated. And please, make some posts yourself if you just wanna share or have some questions. No one will look down upon you here.
-Me |
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| moving anxiety |
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| 04:29pm 20/07/2005 |
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mood:  anxious
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i have been agoraphobic for a year now. i'm getting better at some things though. i'm living with my parents right now in the suburbs. i still cant drive, so i found an apartment in the city that is close to a lot of things so i will be able to walk. i was really excited about it at first because i cant stand livving with my parents and want to be on my own. but recently i've been getting nervous that i cant really do this and that when i get down there i will still be too scared to leave the apartment. i havent signed anything yet, but i am going to visit the apartment this evening with my sister. the girl who already lives there knows about my 'problems' but i'm very scared that once she actually meets me and finds out what agoraphobia is like that she wont like me. i'm also scared that even though i'll be so close to so many things i'll be too afraid to walk down the street without having a panic attack.
do you have any suggestions or advice? thanks. |
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| Let's play house! |
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| 10:59pm 19/07/2005 |
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mood:  awake
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Yeah... so I went today and had a nice hour sit down with my new psychologist, Captain Bell. I had seen him before when I broke down at JRTC. I learned a bit, got my head full of some concepts that I'll be spending the next few days processing. I finally told him the whole story of why I was where I am today (I didn't feel it necessary at JRTC) and he affirmed a few things for me and made me question some things. At one point he asked me where I wanted to go with my treatment. How hard was a willing to work at it, what things I wanted to accomplish, and steps I'd like to take to get there.
I asked to keep having appointments with him because I liked talking to psychologists because I learn lots of stuff and it makes me feel better. I have psych-evals next week and we'll discuss the results when I come back from leave. We talked about things I could do on my own and about me possibly joining an Interpersonal Group. I don't know much about those so if any of you can tell me anything, please do.
That's about it for now. Hope you all are well. |
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| "Tell another shrink the same damn thing..." |
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| 12:30pm 14/07/2005 |
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mood: anxious
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I'm getting a new psychologist and psychiatrist.
Today I found out was my last appointment with my psychologist. She is a civilian and so they're sending me to the guy who I talked to while deployed last month because he'll be deploying with us overseas next year. I'll be seeing him next week and he'll be setting up my psych evals when I get back from leave.
My psychiatrist moved to another post last month so they'll be setting me up with the new one who is also deploying with us. I'm still a bit anxious about telling two new people my whole story. It is a very twisted and confusing one.
I'm still working on sorting out the turmoil inside of me but I'm making slow steps in the right direction. In two weeks I'm going home and I'll be able to confront someone who has caused me a great deal of pain. Hopefully that'll be the closure I need or at least a big step toward it.
Hope you all are well. |
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| Keep the healing going. |
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| 09:51pm 12/07/2005 |
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mood: rejuvenated
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skyforest shared her "pebble theory." I'm now sharing it with you. In a world focused on negativity, we need to remind each other to see the wonderful things in life. Continue sharing with everyone you know. Encourage them to keep the chain of positive thinking going.
Amber's Pebble Theory
There is more of everything than any of us can take in. More good, and more bad. It's like picking up a pebble and looking carefully at it. You see how a plain grey pebble turns into a thousand different shades of grey, with subtle bands and swirles, sparkling bits and patches of dark, perhaps even a bit of litchen. Then, if you zoom in on that, you see each swirl of color expand out, and each is just as complex as the total pebble was. The topography becomes hugely complex. Ridges and valleys, cracks and chips, a forest of litchen. Zoom in from that, and you have the complexity of molecules, then of the atomic level, then the subatomic...each as complex as what came before. There is a Universe, in a simple grey pebble.
At each step, there is more than we have seen, and in truth there is more than we can see. That we see it as a simple grey pebble is a matter of where we choose to focus.
There is more than we can take in, in the world around us...more good and more bad. We can choose to fill our vision with much of the bad, but it really is simply a choice. Lately, my focus has been pretty negative, by my standards, so today I'm paying attention to the good, the strong, the beautiful, the magical, the joyful. There is more of it than I can take in. |
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| Learning to Let Go |
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| 10:29am 08/07/2005 |
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mood:  thoughtful
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I've been focusing on letting go; specifically: the pain of past hurts. It's going to be a work in progress. I don't HATE the two main women that have reeked havoc with the man I fell head over heals, crazy in love with. I still don't appreciate the hurt they've caused, nor their presence in our lives, but I'm working toward total forgiveness. The forgiveness isn't really for them anyway, it's for me and my entire family unit. Right now I've walled off my heart to protect myself until it heals. I want to get through the list until I can achieve the last goal. I want to be the whole person my heart longs to be.
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| Feeling okay inside |
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| 07:48pm 07/07/2005 |
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mood: calm
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I've been slowly working towards feeling okay with myself. I figure that's the first step before I can feel okay with others or have others feel okay with me. I took a depression managment class a few months ago (it was six 1.5 hour sessions) and I've been trying to apply what they taught me.
I pretty much live alone so I have a lot of down time and that gives me time to think and dwell on my "problems" with life. To help get me out of this I've been expanding my hobbies. I've been spending more time with my little bird, haven't been playing video games at all (except the occassional flash game on a website), working hard to teach myself digital electronics design, getting out of the house and going Geocaching, and working on cleaning up my house (it's not trashy, I just have too much junk).
I'm not very social so I've been trying to expand my circle there a little bit too. I've been having friends come over and visit, I've gone on a few dates, and I'm letting myself talk to random people that I may be in line with or whatever.
All in all this has helped bring me out of my down spells. When I get really depressed I don't want to go out or do anything so I've had to force myself out of the house. It doesn't always work but at least I'm trying.
My Doctor has upped my meds a little because I've had a few really bad scences and we're still trying to find the right dose for me.
My tid-bit for all of you today is, when you're feeling down, upset, anxious, trapped, or anything not good, find something and change it! Rearrange your room or your house, go for a walk in the park, sit at the mall and laugh at people, learn a new skill or hobbie just do anything to fill your time and take your mind off whatever is bothering you. |
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| Daily Affirmation of Self |
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| 06:25am 04/07/2005 |
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mood: contemplative
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More homework. #1 and #9 are hard for me. The rest I know to be true, but don't have the courage nor desire to put into any practical purpose anymore. Is it a good idea to put someone in charge of self-affirmation that doesn't think they should exist?
I use to own these. I took a gamble and let someone into my heart, maybe too quickly. Through their words and deeds, I let them convince me I longer have some of these rights. It's my fault really. I allowed it. I've always been one to love without abandon. It's one of the reasons I've protected myself from my heart for so many years. I need to find balance; a way to love and not sacrifice who I am. |
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| Learning to Listen |
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| 09:28am 02/07/2005 |
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mood: hopeful
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We've probably all heard the value of using I statements in a conversation. (as opposed to you statements that come across accusatory.
I feel___________________________________________
When you___________________________________________
I need for you to__________________________________
I don't think I consciously thought about nor consciously did these. But once you read them, you nod your head remembering A)doing some of them B)being on the receiving end. And since realizing is a huge step, maybe then we can adjust our focus to a more productive interaction: using discussions for the purpose of clearing the air and expressing deep feelings in order to build a more unified life.
( Block to ListeningCollapse )
Keeping the goal in mind: The goal of sharing our lives with each other. of being partners. |
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| Second Session |
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| 11:14pm 30/06/2005 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Today was my second session, my SO's first. It means a lot to me he's willing to work on our issues. I was very scared he was going to see it as him learning how I could fix all my problems. The therapist said if one half of the couple can't take some responsibility in the communication break down, there's not much hope. If they're talking in the singular and placing blame on the other instead of talking in we's and us', she's honest and tells them she can't help them.
I guess the fact that she gave us homework to work on together and schedualed our next appointment is encouraging.
( found this interesting and a bit hard to admit I'm guilty ofCollapse )
Bad about #3 of the second list. i'm not really a blamer, but i do tie my happiness into if my loved ones are satisfied w/ me. which really isn't fair to them or me. |
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| Changeover |
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| 07:55pm 30/06/2005 |
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mood: anxious
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Spent a good while with my Doctor today. Hashed out a bunch of stuff that has happened to me in the last month. We're upping my anti-depressant and he's giving me some books to read. It's my last visit with him because he's being moved to another base. They're going to be giving me a bunch of evals to give my new Doctor a better idea of how to treat me.
Have any of you had to change pyschiatrists? I'm not sure how to get used to this new one, especially if he tells me stuff opposite of what my current one says (like the one I saw out of state did last month). |
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| Is admiting half the battle? |
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| 09:27pm 29/06/2005 |
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mood: hopeful
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Perhaps just realizing you have things to deal with is a huge step. I didn't want to seek help. I wanted to do the turtle thing and hide in my shell until the storm passed. Only it kept getting worse until it was almost too late.
Friday June 17th I was truly ready to end the pain. I'd lost touch w/ reality and wanted a permanent solution to temporary problems. At that precise moment, I didn't think I was worthy to breathe the same air as anyone else. I really thought leaving them would be my gift to them. Then they wouldn't have to deal w/ me anymore.
Don't want to go into details. If you want to read about it in my regular journal, comment on a public post and I'll add you. It's the June 24th entry.
My focus here is my SO freaked. Especially when I was breaking every glass dish I could get my hands on while on the phone w/ him. He's fortunate never to battle this demon. For that, I am thankful. But he can't relate. I have already went to one therapy session. She said I was backed into a corner and had no safety net.
We need to be there for each other. You can never have a big enough, nor strong enough safety net.
( Maybe my homework will benifit othersCollapse ) |
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blah