pilgrimkitty, posts by tag: elora - LiveJournal

It is okay to have squicks.  It is okay to acknowledge that there are things out there in this great wide world that turn you off, gross you out, or even cause you to have an intense, visceral reaction.  It's okay.

It's okay to tell somebody, "Sorry, that's not really my thing," or "Honestly?  This squicks me, but I won't get down on you for liking it." It's okay to post a list of your squicks, so that people recommending you fic/porn/fanart or writing/drawing gifts for you don't point you in the direction of something that bothers you.

All of these things are okay.  Getting squicked is part of being human.  I've yet to meet anyone who doesn't have at least one squick.

However, please remember that there is a fine, fine, FINE line between stating a squick, and kink-shaming.

Now, sometimes, when we encounter things that squick us, our first reaction is to say, "EW!" violently and loudly.  Be aware of that impulse, you know?  Yes, it's okay to be grossed out, but if the person who you're talking to views your squick as their kink, you could really make them feel bad about their own thoughts and feelings.

Humans are social creatures.  We look for affirmation from our peers.  So, if somebody confesses to you, "This turns me on," and your first reaction is, "EW!" that's going to hurt the person you're talking to.

If you accidentally kink shame, apologize.  You're human, you're allowed to make mistakes.

But try to acknowledge that other people's kinks are valid and good for them, even if you personally find them gross.

Instead of, "Ew that's gross," try saying, "Well,  it's not really my thing, but I'm glad you've found something that makes you feel good."  or "Sorry, I'm not really into that, maybe we have some other kinks in common to talk about.  What else are you into?"

Or, if you're feeling brave, "That's not really my thing.  To be honest, it kind of squicks me.  But, could you tell me what it is that you like about it?" 

I'm not saying that everyone has to like everything, but there's a reason why we (people) often get nervous and uneasy when we start to talk about kink.  Because we're worried that the people we talk to are going to reject us and tell us how gross we are.

And, you know what?  Kink shaming can be internal as well.  Look at any kink meme, and you'll see a large portion of prompts with lines like, "Excuse me while I board the train to special hell," or "I feel so bad about prompting this."  Because we kink shame ourselves as hard--or even harder--as we kink shame other people!  We feel the need to apologize for getting aroused by fictional scenarios.

So, you know, think about your reactions to other people's kinks.  Try to word your responses politely.  It's okay to be squicked or turned off, but there is a fine line between squick and shaming.  Try to be aware of it.

(Just my 2 cents. My suggestions.  Forgive me if I'm being arrogant and annoying again.)