-"Jack stopped that thought process right there and then. It was very rarely that he found out he had limits, but 'thinking about Death in a sexual context' appeared to be one of them."
-Jack and Death from Death and the Definitely-Not-A-Maiden

-"“Go stick your head in a bucket,” Bookman told him.

“That’s rude,” Darpan said, sniffing in offense. “All you had to say was that it wasn’t any of my business.”

“No, I truly meant for you to stick your head in a bucket,” Bookman corrected him. “If that dye stays on too long, it will burn your skin and you will most likely go bald.”

“How do I know that this isn’t some ploy you came up with so that I’m kept in the dark about everything that’s going on?” Darpan asked. When Bookman looked up at him, he saw his apprentice’s eye narrowed in suspicion.

“Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. When your scalp is on fire and all your hair falls out, never to return for the rest of your life, do not cry to me as I will have no pity on you.”

Needless to say, Darpan thrust his head into the nearest bucket of water in terror."
-Bookman and Darpan from Bookman, chapter 35

Pete has Fall Out Boy action figures. He has Fall Out Boy action figures despite Patrick's best efforts to repossess them, efforts which are totally unfair, since the action figure porn went up under a private Flickr account, so it's not like everyone could see it. Just a few dozen of Pete's closest friends. And besides, Patrick looks good tiny, plastic, and face-down in Pete's crotch. This is a fact of life.

Still, he's never actually posed his action figure in Patrick's lap, nuzzling, and he wasn't aware that his tiny plastic arm articulated in quite that manner, and hey, are they moving?

"No," he assures himself, out loud, and plucks his tiny plastic self out of tiny plastic Patrick's lap.

Promptly, his tiny plastic self kicks at his palm.

Pete says, “Dude!” and drops his tiny self back on the shelf, where it instantly scrambles over to Patrick’s action figure and crawls back into it’s lap.

Pete blinks. Then he goes to call Patrick, because he really does not have the time to be insane right now.

- Pete in The Million Things We Never Were by adellyna and txtequilanights

( More quotes under the cut - Merlin, Bandom, Leverage, SG1 and Torchwood.Collapse )

-"“She said you were in danger. And apparently, I’m her companion, now, so that means I get to follow her weird instructions and try to figure out what she’s up to with half a clue and no time to figure it out in.”

“Mickey, that’s got to be the weirdest thing you’ve ever said.”

Mickey snorted. “Well, she hasn’t called me an idiot, or Rickey yet, so all I have to say is it’s better than being the tin dog.”

Gwen looked at him incredulously. “I take it back,” she said. “That’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever said.”"
-Mickey and Gwen from A Week in the Life, chapter 6

-"and you, you over-sexed, under-appreciative, megalomaniacal - no, sorry, that's not you, that's from a different speech, and it's the only apology you're going to get, so you'd better like it, and where was I? Ohh, yes. Over-sexed, under-appreciative, outrageously attractive, devil-may-care, stupid stubborn bucket of walking pheromones, you have to go and use your powers for evil - yes, Jack, evil - and seduce MY SHIP!"
-The Doctor, Jack, and the TARDIS from Paying For It

-"The TARDIS diverted from her set course (as usual) and settled in with a very shaky landing (as usual) on some inexplicable planet (as usual) in some place the Doctor hadn't really ever thought about visiting (as usual). A great cheer erupted from outside the blue box the moment the materialization sequence was completed (as... no, wait.)

That wasn't usual at all. That was abnormal, strange, bizarre, and suspicious. It was weird, odd, and distinctly off. It was... seriously, it was a full thesaurus worth of unexpected."
-The Doctor from If Found Please Return

-"I'm littler than a lot of people, but diamonds and dynamite come in small packages."
-Rose from Kallisti, chapter 17

-"This is Fredricka Dare You, Reverend Mother of What Was That, Empress of Things that are Orange, and High Priestess to Eris and Her Most Holey Socks. I call on the Government of Zydrestra to respond to the call of Robert the Twenty-third, Polyfather of Malaclypse, Singer of Much Off-Keyness, Lord of Dust Bunnies, Prince of the Disobedient and Most Chaotic Flock of Heathens What Wander Aimlessly in Generally Unplottable Directions. Please respond."

Nothing replied except static. Rose, however, was gaping at Fred in open disbelief. "That's your title?" she demanded incredulously. "I mean, that's what you're actually called, how you'll go down in history books?"

"Yep," said Ro, punctuating the pop with a tap on the end of her nose.

"I proclaim you to be the High Priestess of your own madness," Theed added, helpfully.

"Thanks," Rose replied, dryly, "but that's what I keep him around for, yeah?" She gestured at the Doctor over her shoulder with her thumb."
-Fred, Rose, Ro, Theed, and the Doctor from Kallisti, chapter 17

-""You're not the Doctor," said the Doctor. "He's the Doctor."

"I am not, Polyfather," said Theed. "You're the Doctor."

"I don't want to be the Doctor," he replied, amused to have a moment of utter honesty in this massive deception. "I'll be Theed. You be the Doctor, and he can be the Polyfather."

Theed laughed. "I already was the Polyfather, wasn't I?"

"No. You're the Doctor."

"Please," whimpered Sir Hedrin, "you're giving me a headache.""
-The Doctor, Theed, Ro, and Hedrin from Kallisti, chapter 23

-"I declare before all this company that I am Rose Tyler, Banished Knight of Victoria's Court, Timorous Beastie of all things Pink and Yellow, Friend to Things that are Quite Surprising, and Companion-Rescuer of the Lord of Time"
-Rose from Kallisti, chapter 23

-"Thus you are shackled one to another, so you'd better make the best of it. Have fun and find joy in each other, for life is chaos and the world is strange, and to love one another is our best comfort when everything else is weird. Life is short, and you'll never get out of it alive, so be good companions, good helpmates, good friends. Be honest, and true, and constant."
-Fred from Kallisti, chapter 24

-"George's lips part beneath his, the pair of them standing in his doorway, and as Mitchell shuffles inside he knows one thing alone: it isn't the rain that will cleanse him of his sins. It's George."
-George and Mitchell from We Are Our Own Redemption

-"The Hrnus were all getting to their feet, shaking dust out of their coats and bobbing their heads in the direction of the light. Solar worshippers, their race; nice to say hello to the sun when you could, though it made for some awkward times once they'd got out into space and there were suns practically everywhere you looked. The Doctor leaned against Gene's warm, shaggy side and waited for them to finish."
-Gene, Maud, Mildred, Cornelius and The Doctor (and Sticks) from The Gift of the Mad Guy

-"Mortals will buy anything if you say it with a smile."

"You're talking to a mortal, Jack Harkness," the Doctor pointed out.

"Well, some mortals, then," Levy answered. "This is what happened. Sometimes you own time, sometimes you're time's bitch. I have to do it because I did it because I do it because I have to do it. But keep your innocence if you want to, gorgeous. It suits you.""
-Jack and the Doctor from I Were the Heavens

-""You make it really hard to be angry at you," she said.

"It's the face." He pointed to his face. "Butter wouldn't melt in my mouth, you know."

Gwen grinned at him. "I thought it was the narcotics you were slipping into the coffee."

"Oh, well. A little chemical joy never did any harm.""
-Gwen and Ianto from Interrogation

"Finally, Tony decides that being in love with Gibbs is sort of like shooting yourself in the foot; it's sudden, unexpected and really, really embarrassingly stupid because you so should not have been playing with your damn gun without the safety on in the first place."
-- Tony DiNozzo, Dead Marine, Gibbs...Bruised Knees, New Job (or, How Tony Thinks He Got His Job) by ingenius_inc


"Anyway, you do that again, for real, I will follow you beyond the grave to punch you in the head. I will make your afterlife a total hell."
-- Rodney McKay, What You Might Call Obvious by giddygeek


"I'll have you know, Carter, there was a time when I used to be a big, tough colonel. Then I got ordered to babysit a geeky archaeologist and he moved all the goal posts on me."
-- Jack, Deus Ex Machina by Danielette


Tosh and Ianto are discussing whether Torchwood One has any vacancies, but apparently it's still a big pile of rubble and therefore not hiring anyone at this point in time. Tosh tentively suggests Torchwood Two, but Ianto, in a calm tone that suggests it's barely holding off hysteria, informs her that she shouldn't work for Torchwood Two unless she wants to end up rather molested and very insane.

"Which makes it different from here, how?" Tosh asks. Ianto just shakes his head and Owen remembers that Ianto did work for Torchwood Two a few months before starting at Torchwood One. There are no records of how that time was spent."
-- Owen, Tosh and Ianto, Teething Problems by paperclipbitch


"And, knowing Jack, Ianto had probably misread that: he didn't have a problem with Ianto having a boyfriend, he just wanted a threesome.

Okay, not good to go there, even momentarily. Especially when Ianto would be the first to admit that Jack's propensity to flirt with any Tom, Dick or Harriet who happened along had, on numerous occasions, made him want to scream 'time and place!' and slap the man so hard his head spun. It might be funny if it wasn't so infuriatingly unprofessional."
-- Ianto, Attrition by Lazuli Kat


"I am not a bad vampire!"

"Yes, you are. Good vampires stay in Hell."
-- Angel and baby!Giles, Small Fry by James Walkswithwind and Mad Poetess (Part Two and sequel - Son of Small Fry)


"Well, I'm bored," Rodney said. "Missouri sucks. And Teyla won't play car games with me."

"You were going to work," John said. "You were going to be quiet and work."

"My laptop's out of batteries," Rodney said. "All three of them are out of batteries. And I have to go to the bathroom, and not one of those gross truck stop bathrooms like the last one we stopped at, all right? I have standards."

"You have standards about where you piss?" John said. "You pissed on a ceremonial artifact on MR5-67A!"

"Which one was that?"

"The planet were the natives chased us with flamethrowers," Teyla said. "I believe that is the term Colonel Sheppard used at the time? He said, 'Flamethrowers are proof that someone somewhere said, I need to set that on fire, and I am too far away. I just wish it hadn't been said here.' And then we ran."

"Oh, that one," Rodney said, sounding far less concerned than he had at the time, when he was running for the 'gate with one hand still holding up his pants, since he hadn't had time to button them back up after his social blunder. "Well, their ceremonial artifacts shouldn't look like urinals, that's all I'm saying. I can't help that I got the wrong idea. I don't see you stopping, Sheppard. I really have to go."

"I'm hungry," Ronon said.

"Have we reached our destination yet?" Teyla asked.

"I hate all three of you," John said.
-- Rodney, John, Teyla and Ronon, 844,739 Ways to Eat a Hamburger by minervacat

Sirius sprawled on his chair and put an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “We’re secondary characters in a children’s fantasy series. Remus doesn’t like the name but we’re calling this little group PISSA. Means Popular and Ill-treated Slash Ships Anonymous.”

“A self-help group for the unluckily slashed,” Remus added helpfully. “Padfoot here came up with the preposterous name.”
Sirius and Remus from It's Not Deja Vu, It's the Time Warp


“Well, if that isn’t my favourite self-help group: Looking good, everyone,” the man in the coat said with a strange accent and a dazzling smile. He rolled his rs in a distracting way.

“Merlin, meet Ianto. He’s another angsty, secretive manservant looking for a steady relationship.” Arthur grinned, clearly enjoying this.

“I make excellent coffee though,” Ianto said, smiling.

After another round of drinks, things became clearer. Or so Merlin thought.
Ianto, Arthur, and Merlin from It's Not Deja Vu, It's the Time Warp


All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Arthur knew was this. One day when he was three years old, he was playing in the garden, waving a twig about in lieu of a sword. He fell, bruised himself, and began to cry. He must have looked rather pitiful, for Mr. Pendragon pulled him up by the elbow and said, in his sternest voice, "Stop crying. Men don't cry. Remember, you are a man in the making." This was all that passed between them on the subject, but henceforth Arthur knew that he must grow up. He must, one day, become a man. Childhood is never the beginning of a beginning; childhood is the beginning of the end.
from The Golden Hours


"Nothing," croaked Arthur, and wondered why his voice was inexplicably hoarse. He cleared his throat. "This - this star you come from. It doesn't happen to have men in coats, does it? Great big white coats? With pills in their pockets?"

"The pirates wear black, not white. And if by pills you mean crackers - of course they carry those. What else would they feed the parrots with?"
Arthur and Merlin from The Golden Hours


“He would have us beaten up by his private army,” Kaoru murmured.

“And then he would ship us off to the Artic,” Hikaru added.

“Where there’s no maple syrup—“

“—no video games, or at least I doubt Kyouya-sempai will let us bring them—“

“—snow everywhere, for heaven’s sake—“

“—we’ll have to live on penguin burgers—“

“—learn how to ride polar bears—“

“—and wear bulky layers of drab-colored clothes.”

They exchanged horrorstruck looks. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

The Hitachiins: once you threatened their impeccable fashion sense, they would do everything in their power to eliminate you.

Presuming anyone could eliminate the Shadow King, anyway.
Hikaru and Kaoru from Old Tangles, New Knots

-"Talk-talk-talk-talk. Demyx wished he had a sock puppet. He could put it on his hand, colour its hair purplish-blue, open up with a shrill, “Hi, I’m Zexy!” and then just spend a couple hours repeating the word ‘yap!’ It’d sum things up nicely. Demyx was kind of tempted to grab his crotch out of the blue and see how much talking he got done that way. Heh. Wouldn’t Zexion be startled?

…This was, frighteningly, seeming like a better and better idea the more he thought about it."
-Demyx and Zexion from Proof of Life, story 4

-"Riku frowned slightly, studying the boy. After a long moment, he said, “Well, fuck that.” Sora’s head came up sharply, some powerful pain in his eyes. “I’m not the type to throw myself against a door, Sora, and hope the person on the other side is going to feel like coming out.” Before the brunet could unlock, could gather himself and flee from this abandonment from the one person that finally seemed to get it… Riku lifted a hand. He extended a finger, and pressed at something invisible in the air. “Ding-dong,” he sang. He smiled crookedly. “Works much better. Goes through the whole house. You’re never left in any doubt that there’s someone wanting to get in and steal your cookies.”

Faintly, Sora echoed, “…My – my cookies…?”"
-Riku and Sora from Proof of Life, story 8

-"They leaned against the slowly cooling car, under the shade thrown by the hood, and he asked, “So, Sora, are you the kind of hitchhiker that wears a friendly mask and then murders people in their beds, or are you just genuinely nice?”

“My current lack of police record,” the brunet replied thoughtfully, pulling a large bottle out of his bag and taking a gulp of water, “indicates that either I am genuinely nice, or just really good at hiding the bodies.”"
-Riku and Sora from Proof of Life, story 10

-""Come on, Ianto," he says, picking up the box of Frosties. "Doesn't this adorable little cartoon make you want to let loose your inner child?"

"I have no inner child," says Ianto, deadpan. "I was born this old."

"Oh, I doubt that," says Jack. He waggles the box of Frosties and speaks as the mascot, affecting his silliest growly voice. "Why Snap, Crackle, and Pop, what delicious little elves you are. I could just eat you up!" He gives Ianto the face, the one that says "play with me," the one he knows is almost irresistible. Ianto's lips twitch and he picks up the other box.

"Oh, Tony," he says, voice pitched high, "I bet you're a tiger in the sack.""
-Jack and Ianto from Hey, Remember That Time?

-"Forgive Dedicate Myrrhtide. He was dropped on his head as a child. Often."
-Rosethorn from page 24 of "Melting Stones" by Tamora Pierce

-"I nodded, though it made my head spin. "Yes, Headwoman Azaze. But I never lie to Rosethorn. She, um, discourages it."

"Evvy and I have an understanding." Rosethorn had returned with packets of herbs and a mug, She grabbed the teakettle and poured hot water into the mug. "She tells me the truth, and I don't hang her in the first well we come to. It's a solution that works tolerably well for both of us.""
-Evvy and Rosethorn from page 126 of "Melting Stones" by Tamora Pierce

-"“You call this filing? What is this? This is only a Zygon molecular disperser sitting in a Nestene nursery cot. I thought you were meant to be this superhuman office boy or something.” She picked up a long, cylindrical object that strongly resembled a piece of lead piping and waved it in his face. “Do you even know what this is?”

“Er… A lead pipe?”

Donna glanced at it. “Well, yes. But that’s exactly the point! What the bleeding hell is it doing down here with the rest of this mess?”"
-Donna and Ianto from Permanent Placement

-""I've re-read my diary," he says. "I made notes of all past incidents and compiled a List of Grievances and Concerns."

"It's an actual list?" Jack says.

"Cross-referenced," Ianto replies.

Jack nods solemnly.

"Do you have a problem with this, Jack?" Ianto asks.

Jack waves his hands in an overt gesture of approval and good will. "No, not at all. That's—that's a really good idea. I see you've been thorough."

"I thought that would be best," Ianto says without inflection.

"Absolutely," Jack says. There's a short pause, wherein Jack's face contorts with a multitude of emotions. "Actually—I just—can I please have just a moment to, you know, laugh at you?""
-Ianto and Jack from Waltzing the Bruise, the Mechanism Unspools

( I’m sorry I can’t put you through to Jesus, he’s on another call right now.Collapse )

-"Coffee vs. Jack, Ianto decided, must be one of the worst choices a man could be forced to make."
-Ianto from The Ways to be Oblivious

-"“Next time we’re due a meeting,” Jack said, voice muffled in his arms, “can somebody, please, just shoot me?”

Far too cheerfully, Ianto told him, “I’ll put it on the agenda.”"
-Jack and Ianto from Item Eight

-""Where am I looking?" she asked, already typing away.

"In my pants," Jack said.

There was a long silence.

"No, seriously," Jack said."
-Tosh and Jack from Employee Orientation

-"For someone who had been so widely traveled, his sexual preferences were pretty simple: species, own; gender, opposite."
-The Doctor from The Sins of Adam, part 1

-""I dunno. Something sonic, like that screwdriver of yours. So what else is sonic around here? Sonic bookends? Sonic toasting forks?"

"Don't make fun of my screwdriver!"

"Doctor," Jack said sincerely, "I would never make fun of a man's screwdriver.""
-Jack and the Doctor from The Sins of Adam, part 2

( Where the hell have our clothes gone!Collapse )

-"Only teenage screams of ecstasy were powerful enough to tear a hole through time and space."
-The Middleman from The Middleman, Season 1, Episode 6 "The Boy-Band Superfan Interrogation"

-"Ah, I'm dazed and confused. I've been chasing this, this wee naked child over hills and dills."
-The Doctor from Doctor Who, Season 2, Episode 2 "Tooth and Claw"

-"Rose Tyler, Ma'am. And my apologies... for being so naked."
-Rose from Doctor Who, Season 2, Episode 2 "Tooth and Claw"

-"Queen Victoria: Oh, and please excuse the naked girl.
Rose: Sorry..
Doctor: She's a feral child.. I bought her for six pences in old London town. It was her or the Elephant man."
-The Queen, Rose, and the Doctor from Doctor Who, Season 2, Episode 2 "Tooth and Claw"

-"And.. could we find some clothes for Miss Tyler? I'm tired of nakedness."
-The Queen from Doctor Who, Season 2, Episode 2 "Tooth and Claw"

-"Tosh: Stop at the first sign of distress.
Ianto: ...Or the first sign of exploding."
-Tosh and Ianto from Torchwood, Season 2, Episode 2 "Sleepers"

-"Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string, everything absolutely everything! No phones, phones all broken. 'Hello anyone there?' No! Because the phones aren't working."
-Ianto from Torchwood, Season 2, Episode 2 "Sleepers"

-"Owen: Let's all have sex.
Tosh: ...
Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse."
-Owen, Tosh, and Ianto from Torchwood, Season 2, Episode 2 "Sleepers"