___stupify

It feels so good to have love and family back in my life for the first time in a long time. While my family has become much more complicated, I've gained great relationships with truly wonderful people. I'm grateful for my situation and hope to make the best out of it.
LJ, don't be offended but I started keeping my own private journal. I have never done this before but was inspired by the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It made me think how easily parts of our lives are forgotten and how valuable those little pieces can be. I want to document my private thoughts and one day look back on them and remember where I was and how far I have come, much like I do here.
In other news, my Great Grandfather is back in the hospital...he fell and hit his head which caused internal bleeding and memory loss. Unfortunately, the doctors are unsure of whether or not he will recover his memory but are hopeful for a physical recovery if they can stop the bleeding in his brain. Right now, the Chief thinks he is back in WWII and is completely unaware of the past 60 years of his life. I'm not a man of God but if there is one I pray that he recovers from this horrible accident.
Once again, in other news, I had a dream about Dana last night...Now I know what inspired it. I met someone that is a mirror of her, physically (although she is about 7" taller) and mentally. The end result of the private events that ocurred last night was a vivid dream of Dana. I'm nearly six years removed from that relationship and still...to this day...I have rare dreams of her that are so clear and vivid that it is as if I were 15 again. But what was even more odd about this particular dream, is the fact that I dreamed of Dana as she is now...as if we were still dating. I even repeated words I remember saying to her. I'm not sure what to make of this dream but it encourages me to reach out to her and just form some kind of relationship. I know the romance has sailed but the emotional bond that was formed within me during those two years is too strong to deny. I hope that one day we can be half as close as we were back then on a mental level. Maybe its a fool's dream, but its something that I hold onto.

If you had the opportunity to erase a part of your memory...would you take it? Sometimes I think I would

Maybe I indentify with Joel because in my mind...him and I are the same

And another thing...stop telling me everything would be so much better if I believed in God...that's fucking bullshit. I didn't believe in God when I was 10 and I was happy...going against everything I think and believe at 21 is not going to magically fix the way I feel or put me on the path of your righteousness. You have your beliefs, I have mine...and mine don't involve a magical dude in the sky who created us all because he was bored or because he needed something to love. God has always been an answer to questions that we lacked an answer for. More people have died in the name of God than any other cause throughout history. Sorry, but I will not blindly follow.

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty infuriated right now...It really is like no matter what I do, its always wrong. WTF! What pisses me off even more is that I can't be open about it, not even here...where no one reads it...because there is a chance that someone may.

I'm so sick of pissin people off by just bein me...I do what I think is right...and its motherfuckin wrong...I do what you think is right and its still fucking wrong. That's what we call a lose-lose situation...and tomorrow I have to deal with even more bullshit because of how tonight went. I'll be expected to act like nothing is wrong...and if I don't all day I'll be hit with shitty looks and just piss this person off more...anything I do pisses you the fuck off...and its starting to really irritate me. I was just outside punching a stone patio to vent some fucking frustration and anger. I wanted to scream...to just get in my car...blast some music and fucking scream until my head exploded...but I can't even do that because I've had one too many and if I were to be pulled over, I'd be fucked in the ass with the law instead of just you. Seriously, fuck me.

Sometimes I feel like love just doesn't exist. And I torture myself by watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because it gives me hope that there is such a thing as something that is meant to be. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of finding myself with people who just aren't right or good for me. I'm so tired of stressing about shit and hating everything. Which brings me to my next point.

I'm really thinking I need to talk to someone, like a professional...I'm not right...I haven't been for a long time. I've tried working on it myself...I've tried self-medicatiing...I've tried everything but seeing someone. I know I'm depressed. I am tired all the time, I hardly sleep which only makes being fatigued constantly worse...I lack any kind of self-motivation and I loathe myself. Sometimes I don't even want to be in my own mind because it does nothing but fuck with my emotions. I piss my mom off because she is tired of seeing me unmotivated and thinks that its just laziness. Its not. I want to do better. Every fucking night I think about how tomorrow I'm gonna start over again...but when I wake up the next morning its like I never said it...I just start the same fucking piss poor cycle over again. I do absolutely nothing to try and better my situation or to improve my fucked up frame of mind. What keeps me from seeking help is that it makes me feel pathetic. Here I am...didn't have to deal with much strife growing up yet I'm depressed...I don't understand it. I don't want medication...I don't want someone telling me what I have to do...I want someone who understands who I don't automatically become attached to because they do. Fuck, who knows what I want...in the morning all I will care about is sitting on the couch and watching some bullshit TV. I hate myself for being so fucking unmotivated. Fuck me for being such a waste of space.

They all say I'm such a great guy...but by the end they all call me asshole...is it me? Am I attracted to poisonous people? I don't fucking know. I pray to the God that I don't believe in that tomorrow I will wake up with some profound understanding of who I am and why I have been torturing myself for 4 fucking years. That would be so easy...and life never is. The only solace I find is that after typing all of this I feel just slightly better. But not enough to escape the next hour of my mind racing as I try to fall asleep. Same ol story different fucking night.

It stings like a bee to be so close yet so, so far away. Love and emotion can be so cruel

So...there is a lot going on right now. I don't even quite know where to begin. Ah, I'll set the scene and let the story tell itself.

My mom has remarried to a man named David Crews. I have to say he is pretty cool. He plays video games and participates in a lot of activities that I also happen to enjoy. Wink wink nudge nudge mothafucka...

So, David has a daughter named Adrienne. She is 19 years old and now my step-sister. Three weeks ago, she moved into their house, where I happen to spend most of my weekends. I knew before she got there that she had a checkered past, had been in trouble with the law, and paid her debt. I had no idea how complicated the situation was underneath what I would now consider to be a sugar-coated introduction to her past.

I really don't want to put her business on the internet so I'm not going to. Instead let's say that she had to deal with more growing up than any person should have to in a lifetime. It would take me 4 hours to try and give someone a good impression of what this has done to her. It has most certainly left its mark on her life, body, and mental state.

Her and I hit it off immediately. Really, she is the first great friend that I've met down here. We have similar taste in music, humor, and hobbies. Maybe she was looking for a vent or maybe I just made her feel comfortable, but she told me a lot of things that she hadn't shared with anyone previously. The scary thing is that she says there is still so much she hasn't told me.

I truly enjoy talking to her and trying to help in anyway I can. Mostly, I just listen and offer my opinion. But, something has put this relationship under great strain and its her uncontrollable rage. Its almost impossible to know what will set her off but when you do, there is no talking her down. There is no talking to her period. When she gets like that every word out of your mouth is somehow misconstrued as being a "smart ass" comment or condescending. She goes from open to advice to offended by it, screaming about how its her life and no one can live it for her. I got to see this side for the first time last night and the only thing it made me feel was embarrassed for her.

Most people who know me know that I have a problem with authority. In general, people who feel like they can get loud with me, push me around, or intimidate me really fucking piss me off. Now obviously, she is a woman and my reaction isn't the same as it would have been if she weren't...I would have knocked her the fuck out for the way she was talking to me. But instead, I had the other reaction, becoming completely disinterested and offering nothing but little shots. If you try and get loud with me, I'm gonna poke and prod you because at that point it amuses me. The sad thing is, the only way to bring her down from her rage high is to basically let her ream you out until she is satisfied...she will ask you questions and answer them for you (which is funny because she hates when people do that to her)...she will call you a liar.

But what bothers me more than the uncontrollable rage and the shit that spews from her mouth during her episodes, are her constant threats of violence. Apparently she beat the shit out of her husband a few times and a bunch of other people and she thinks she is a bad ass. Her husband is like 5'5" and a skinny little dude, looks like a tweaker...She is like 5'10". She told me it took all she had to not come at me swinging for trying to expose her bullshit. Guess what lil step-sister....you don't scare me...and I told her that. She responded with something to the effect of "I'm not trying to fucking scare you!" Well constant threats of violence kind of speak to the contrary. She basically said to me, if I press her buttons the right way one day and set her off, there is gonna be a fight.

So, I don't really know what to do about this...Prior to last night, I really cared about her and would have done more than most to help her try and deal with the shit that she grew up with (even though she claims she is over it...I think her repressed rage once again speaks to the contrary). But, after last night...I'm not really sure I care anymore...I'm very confused. On one hand, she is this sweet, damaged girl, who is just looking for some success in life and a feeling of self-worth. On the other hand, she is violently angry and uncontrollable and dangerous apparently...When she showed me that second side of her last night, a big part of me wanted to just write her off and completely disconnect to her whole situation. Stop listening, stop caring, and stop offering advice on how to get straight. If her shit keeps up, if she can't control herself...I'm thinking the latter is exactly what will happen.

Have you ever felt like there is nowhere to go?
Like no matter how far you run
You can’t outrun everything you’ve come to know?
And slowly but surely you’re coming undone
Nothing in your world makes sense
You feel like you have no room to grow
You’re back and neck is always tense
And the wound never heals no matter how tight you sew

Somewhere along the line I lost my way
Now I don’t know how to come back home
I used to walk tall on the darkest day
No matter how hard it rained I always made it home
I wish I knew where to begin to heal
Or knew a way to just hide the pain away
Its my unconscious thoughts that reveal
Just how far I’ve allowed myself to sway

No one will understand because I won’t let them
This is my pain, my struggle, my curse
Whether I rise above or crumble beneath them
Whether at 21 my last ride is in a hearse
No! I don’t want to simply slip
Every day I awake to a new nightmare
I yearn to one day regain my grip
But all I do is continue to rip out my hair

Will anything I ever do be successful?
My mind leads me to think no
Living under this rock is so stressful
How can you trick your own mind into thinking so?
All I want to do is sit back and get high
It numbs the pain that I keep inside
I take that toke and I forget about the times I’ve wanted to die
And I sink further into my cave, find somewhere deeper to hide

Do you know how it feels to think you peaked at 17?
And that place feels so foreign to me
Like the right choices I’ve made since are few and far between
Like everything I do is obscene
A way out is impossible to see
Watch me as I fall apart at the seem
When all I want to do is fight and scream
As I pray that I can end this waking dream

Yes you could say it’s true
Maybe I really don’t know you
It seems there are many faces
They turn like a marry-go-round
From happy to faithless
Love to hate to confident to escapeless

It’s impossible to discern
Impossible to show concern
These boundaries not clearly defined
But even if they were
I doubt you would find my words refined
Or my tongue any less pointed
Or these free thoughts disjointed
You’ll see my opinions become obscure

When the rage and hate set in
Keeping everything inside like volatile gas
Every comment is worthy of murderous passion
I’m resigned to holding my tongue
Odium and obscenities spew from your mouth
In your moments of doubt
Your moments of pain and blame
The switch is flicked
The once gentle, now violent
Everyone in your life, suddenly malcontent

There are so many things I can’t say
They would tell me its wrong
I probably wouldn’t be welcome to stay
Something clicked in me
You’re like the sweetest song
Life never has been easy for me

Its been a long time since I’ve felt so strongly
Since I’ve felt something at all
You lit the fire that once burned with passion
All it takes is three words and a call
I believed in magic again
It felt like magic to just believe in something, anything again

I don’t blame you, you should know this
I couldn’t even if I wanted to
The situation is beyond our control
You know how I crave it
I want to throw it all away just to
Just to show everyone I’d give anything to have it

Ignoring my feelings burns to the core
When I know there is something more
That if it all started here
There is no other I could ever adore
But this is my curse apparently
To dream so blissfully
Awaking to the nightmare
That has become our reality

Time will pass as it always does
Feelings may change as they do
But I can hardly imagine a future
That doesn’t involve you
My love for you demands my yield
If it was my love I chose to wield
Almost surely I’d cause only pain
In our wake, a desolate battlefield

These three words that I whisper to you
They have forever changed my world
Fear not that I will run from you
Because in a world that is full of hate
I will never stop loving you