depersonalization/derealization's Journal

depersonalization/derealization's Journal

depersonalization/derealization

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[27 Apr 2012|01:55pm]

katarzhenya

Hello. Newbie here. My name is Chelsea. I don't have insurance so I can't be officially diagnosed. I usually disagree with self diagnosis but DP/DR sounds exactly like what I've been experiencing for the past five years. I have it now actually. My hands aren't agreeing with me and I feel like I'm dreaming this whole thing. I had it in high school, and I would have to pinch/poke myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and sometimes my limbs seemed too long for my body? Or the feeling like my head is going to float off. Like I said, it's hard to describe. Can anyone help me? Am I in the right community? Thank you for your time.

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[13 Feb 2009|04:08pm]

whatweneversaid

[

mood

confused

]

Hi. I'm new, and I just recently found out about derealization/depersonalization, and it seemed to fit what I was having problems with. I also have anxiety problems.

I was looking at the help community, and most of it focused on feeling "detatched" from the world, like you're looking at yourself. Is this the only part of depersonalization/derealization? I have episodes where sounds and words seem overemphasized to the point that they don't make sense, and then that applies to my own thoughts. I also sometimes feel like I'm tiny or huge in relation to my surroundings, or I end up visualizing something that looks almost like a toe and see it as huge and then very small and skinny, and then huge again. Has anybody felt this before? Somebody on the other community said it might be macropsia/micropsia (sp?), but that it's rare? I'm really confused.

I went on Lexapro for anxiety, and the (what I think is) derealization/depersonalization seemed to go away, but I'm still on meds and I'm starting to have mild symptoms like before again...

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A bit of optimism

[16 Oct 2008|09:29pm]

cassavetes

Hey. If anyone's too worried about their condition: I was feeling like shit, having weird headaches and odd symptoms I couldn't find any language to describe (borderlining psychosis, according to my shrink), in addition to DP/DR. Just started Lexapro a month ago, and I'm improving significantly. It takes patience, and it helps to have friends around, just to talk about whatever.. I hope this helps. If I was almost psychotic and am improving, I'm sure you can too.

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Long and self-centered

[20 Aug 2008|06:58pm]

cassavetes

So. Throughout my life I've always had some degree of existential thinking. You know, wondering about the universe, wondering about existence, why "existence exists", those kinds of things, also about my very existence and the concept of "self" and if I really had such a thing. It would go away as I interacted with people, I think they were more like thoughts rather than a state of mind (except for the "self" thing). I never felt like I was occupying a different realm of consciousness, and I also saw some sense in life, although I would often get frustrated with how I seemed to fail at a lot of things.

I could never get close to crushes, even though I wanted to. It seemed as if as soon as they got close, I wanted them far away from me. I did have a few experiences, but not with people I was particularly attracted to. More in the sense that I wanted to feel like I was "active" rather than some kind of hermit. Cold. I was always cold. Sometimes warmth would "disgust" me in a way, I'm not sure why. I controlled myself very tightly so as to not make these infatuations noticeable. I lived a lot in my head.

Anyhow. I got to university with these issues, hoping I'd somehow solve them.. I fucking hope to God I do. I saw the same situation building up once again, seeing someone that was building a lot of resentment towards me.. So I obvs. went to a shrink so I could solve the fucking thing, it was driving me mad. I got asked if I had ever had an "affectionate" relationship with anyone, and I could not fathom if I ever had..

I started analysing _everything_ I did, my every infatuation, my every distraction (my shrink interpreted my difficulty in getting to his office in terms on whether I subconsciously didn't want to be there or not). Then I stopped feeling things, somehow. No anxiety, no affection, no nothing and I can't feel hunger or sleepiness either. I'm still pretty fucking distracted.

Anyhow, sometimes I get the sense of floatiness, then of unrealness, then the feeling that the world's unreal or irrelevant, and the feeling that life's irrelevant. Sometimes it feels like a swinging consciousness, because it's never centered, it always escapes from me and it feels like I'm experimenting all kinds of depersonalisation there can be. Then there's this weird sense of dissociation, where part of my mind gets blocked, or where I get the sense I have a morphing "personality" or something. My shrink tells me "everyone has a morphing personality" and that it's not wise to prescribe me an anti-psychotic (it's fine, they scare me anyway). In a sense I have no clue of what "feeling better" means anymore.

Whatever. I hope I don't get DID. Or become some Schizoid with no sense of purpose in life. I want to be emotionally involved in living. I'm not sure I am right now. Of course now the thought has become "wow, I wonder if I spent my entire life depersonalised/derealised". I don't think I did, even though I was highly introverted.. Whatev's. I want back in. To some extent, I feel that intuitively, "in" is very painful right now.

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[26 Jun 2008|01:55am]

shannoneilleen

[

mood

cold

]

I felt it again.. except this item it was much stronger and potent.. it was brought on by panic.. everything started surrounding me.. like I was in a bubble on earth.. like I could feel my own gravitational pull.. I walked towards the store entrance and heard people talking in a small group... but they were stifled by the loud buzz of the light in the parking lot.. I knew that that sound wasn't as loud as I percieved and heard it.. it was like my mind was making it much louder for some reason.. amplifying it.. as I walked around I avoided eye contact at all costs.. a woman even came up to me and asked me if I was all right.. how could she tell there was something wrong? I really just didn't feel good.. not sick physically ill.. but mentally and an all over uncomfortable feeling.. it lasted for a few hours then went away.. during the time I thought about killing myself.. but I wasn't depressed.. I wanted to stop these uncomfortable feelings so bad but I just didn't feel depressed.. unusual for me because I think about killing myself every other week.. I got into a desperate mode during this whole ordeal thinking I should just find a cop and leave my car in the parking lot.. I was going to have him drive me to the nearest hospital and get checked into a psychiatric ward.. but I couldn't get myself to.. I kept on getting distracted by thinking about my next appt... all the way on July 11th to get evaluated.. at my request! Isn't that a hoot and hollar.. all I need is something anything! I know there's something wrong and I need it fixed now.. I don't know how much of this I can take! And what if this doctor has no idea what it is and it takes tons of trials and error to get somehting tp help me?

4 comments|post comment

DP_DR questions

[28 May 2008|10:26pm]

melclin

Hey guys,
What I have been told is DP/DR by various shrinks is secondary to my major depression, and as such I dont know much about it. I have always found it to be a pleasant experience although often inappropriate given particular settings. Firstly I might describe it a little and see what you guys think. Maybe its not even what I've been told it is.

When it occurs, I feel that my body blends into the surrounding environment, like being hugged by the couch im sitting on or being absorbed into the atmosphere. I dont feel that I can move my arms, legs or any part of me, nor do I want too. The world around me seems vauge and unimportant, and I often drift off. To where im not sure, but its enough to distract me from whatever task is at hand. Things in my view drift and fade and seem dream like.

Unless I have something I'm doing something important, its usually fairly pleasant, although I must say when it happens out in the real world it is problematic. Spending a day at uni drifting around uni, ignoring friends and not taking notice of anything is not exaclty helpful and it makes me feel very lonely, very fragile. I like it in my detached world, because everything seems partilcularly harsh. I think some of what I've said is contradictory, buts its not exaclty a logical feeling.

So any thoughts guys. For reference, I've taken more anti depressants than I care to remember, seroquel and various benzos with no affect... and my dad is bi-polar (but im not, as far as we know). Probably shouldnt leave that old chessnut out.

Cheers,
Ozzy

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Agoraphobia?

[23 May 2008|04:25am]

thundastruck

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I don't actually suffer from DP/DR myself but I've been in a relationship for nearly a year now with a guy who does. He's 19 and has it had it since he was about 15. No one's sure what caused it exactly; he had a bit of a crappy childhoood (his parents were sometimes what I considered at least to be basically abusive) and there's a history of mental problems in his family. The DP/DR started randomly a couple of months after he'd been robbed by two jerks on a street on his way home from school; not sure if that's what triggered it or not.

A while ago he went through this stage where he hated being outside at all. He'd told me on previous occasions being outside would sometimes make him feel weird (he'd often get this sense of vertigo on a bright day where he felt like he was 'falling down' the street in front of him, for example) but nothing this bad. Some days we couldn't even go for a drive around the block without him begging me to turn home.

He's had a change of meds and such since then, and right now he's okay with going outside (as such, part of his treatment is that he has to go outside at least once a day, even just for a little walk, so that it hopefully doesn't happen again).

I'm glad he's feeling better, but I can't help but worry it'll get really bad again. It always made me sad to see him unable to go outside during this time, and on a personal level it was really frustrating to meet up with him at his house knowing there was a good chance I'd be going to whatever *insert function* alone depending on how bad he felt.

But anyway, my question is: has anyone else here known/has had really bad agoraphobia as a result of this illness? I can't help but wonder how common it is.

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[13 May 2008|08:28pm]

shannoneilleen

[

mood

cold

]

Hi there.. I'm not sure if I have DP DR but I have severe depression and have been on and off meds.. I'll try to explain what I'm feeling if anyone can guess what's wrong with me..

I can't sleep at all.. if I don't take sleeping pills I'll lay awake for hours just thinking and thinking.. about stupid bullshit.. like who I am.. and am I in the right place.. am I supposed to be doing something else with my life right now? Is my life going anywhere?

I know I'm growing stranger to people.. during a conversation I'll completely zone out and start concentrating on other things.. about how I feel so strange.. like the conversation isn't even happening.. I totally completely take myself out of the situation.. hard to explain

I can't speak.. just can't..not won't or will not.. mentally and physically can't.. I freeze in public situations..I'll start thinking about what to say and how to say it in a billion different ways.. kind of like I'm trying to find the ultimate way to say something.. by the time I figure it out it's totally random and out of palce so I either say it late or don't say it at all..

I used to be outgoing anfd fun.. now I'm quiet and strange.. I'm just observing.. everything and everyone..always.. I feel very different lately.. not myself.. kind of like I'm not realy living.. I just exist.. If I'm not doing something my mind just wanders and wanders.. soon I start getting upset because I feel like noone understands me or relates to me.. I'm my own entity.. there is no soul mate for me or best friend.. noone understands.. noone gives a shit.. people half listen for a few minutes but don't really listen.. or maybe I'm not making myself clear..

I'm going to a new therapist next week and right off the bat I know she's not going to get me.. it's not like I think I'm special or anything but I truly feel alone.. I have never met anyone that I relate to.. or connect to.. never had a true best friend.. how can someone be your best friend if you can't talk to them and they don't get you? I feel alone.. very alone..always have..but I can't accept it.. these feelings make me so very sad.. they feed my depression.. fuel my isolation.. it's just me and me for life.. life is a very long time..

I'm only 24 now so how many more years of being alone can I take??

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[09 Dec 2006|01:00am]

el_jay_user

the last post here was months ago so i'm guessing this is a really inactive community, but i got really excited that i found a depersonalization group.

will people please post and make this place more active?
i'm encouraging you...

5 comments|post comment

black out

[30 Aug 2006|02:42am]

selfhater17

Hello. I have been a lurker for a while and this is my first time posting.

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[17 Aug 2006|12:41pm]

persephone_thea

[

mood

confused

]

OK, I wrote this post on my own LJ today and a good friend told me about this community, he said that I may be able to get advice and support from the people here. I didnt know that these feelings that I have had my whole life was a disorder and maybe it is time to start facing it... so here is the post from my personal LJ:

Sometimes I feel so lost. Sometimes I feel like I am borrowing this skin and body until something better comes along. Sometimes I just dont feel like me, and even that doesnt make any sense... what the hell am I doing? Why does it seem that the simplest things are the hardest to do? Why is it that sometimes doing the right thing just feels so wrong?

I feel like Im going crazy, not the loony kind, just the cant get comfortable in my own head space kind.

I wish that I had a true goal in life. Direction is the key, but that is something I lack. Although I do have ambitions, sometimes I have too many of them and without picking one to focus on, I am stuck in this beginning process. Constantly creating new projects... A jack of all trades master of none. Sound romantic, it really isnt.

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[08 Jun 2006|07:49pm]

marked_brow

i'm saraeve. i'm 25, and i have refractory partial epilepsy. which just means crappy epilepsy that is uncontrollable. i had my first tonic-clonic in 2003, and they have not been able to figure out why this is happening to me. i had brain surgery in may 2005 to take some of the damaged area out, but it didn't work. so in 2007 i am having a second lobectomy to remove the entire area. i have also been diagnosed with miagraine disorder, and asxlexia.

today i am having a day where i know i should be angry (i can't afford my medication) but i can't. it's not there.

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Community

[26 May 2006|12:40am]

flamegirl_kitty

[

mood

tired

]

While reading this community, I noticed that there are many loving and caring people who have been hurt badly in so many different ways. There are many ways that help is available, and I'm hoping that my community can ease some of your demons.

It doesn't say in the userinfo page that I cannot do this, so here I go and I am terribly sorry if this offends anyone. And if it does, the mod can delete this entry immediately.

I created a community a while ago called attemptfailed: for people who have attempted suicide. It is not a pro- suicide community, but it is one for people to tell their story, get advice, find people to relate to, etc. There is much more about it in the userinfo page, but I thought I'd give a little introduction to the community in case anyone out there is interested.

I have a request from the mod[s]. I feel horrible that I have been ignorant because I have never heard of this illness before, so in order to help out community members in attemptfailed, may I post a link on the userinfo to this community if they want to come here for help on this illness? Thank-you.

Take care everyone.

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[09 May 2006|06:29pm]

atomise

Hey everyone, i just joined.

i'm not sure how long I have been like this... Maybe 7-8 years (I'm 22 now). I keep waiting for it to go away, but it's starting to feel like i've lived half my life in a dream-like state.
It's starting to get particularly bad now because school just ended and work is cutting my hours, so I have a sudden excess of time. i don't even know what to do with myself, i truly feel like it would be easier to prove that i didn't exist than if i did. (if that makes any sense?)

anyways, it's really nice to read other people's posts and such, i don't feel so alone anymore.

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[30 Apr 2006|03:39pm]

120s

I am new to this community and just read the Info page here and I'm pretty concerned.

Two days ago I was at work doing dishes and this thing hit me. I felt totally not there and detached and really scared. It hasn't gone away and I'm afraid I may have this DP/DR. I have not been stressed too much lately, but I am not because of this! I just have no idea where I got to where I am, or what I am doing, and everything that just happened seems way in the past.

Does this go away, or stay forever? I understand it isn't 100% curable, but if it can just appear out of nowhere, can it also dissappear out of nowhere? Does anybody here take medication for it, and does it help, and to what extent?

Sorry, I've just never been so scared in my entire life.

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[09 Apr 2006|09:01pm]

wild_eyed_girl

These aren't my hands, but supposedly i'm moving them and they're attached to the mass of flesh that is "me." Almost every day comes to a point where I don't believe that I exhist and I'm petrified. I feel like I should be see-through and people should be able to walk through me. I want to exist.

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X posted to other places too

[13 Mar 2006|09:53pm]

nameless_me

[

mood

calm

]

The following is a poem I wrote some time ago when I was on the verge of a breakdown it quite literally saved my life. So here it is just for y'all

and no I'm, not feeling suicidal.

>^..^<

.

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[01 Jan 2006|09:40pm]

xxxxyyyzzzz

hello, all.
my name's ludie/lu/lulu[whichever variation that you prefer]
and..i've had dp/dr for..3 years+
its coming on really strong right now, as i have no work, school or anything else really.. structured.
my sleeping habits, eating habits, etc.. have really just.. gone down the drain and.. i feel so.. empty.
i feel like i'm hardly in existence anymore.. its harder to look in the mirror than it ever has been. everything's so foreign, including myself. i'd really like some advice on how to.. calm down and.. try to get things back into place, enough to function, atleast.

anyways,
i have an idea.
i really need someone to co-moderate a community with me.
i, personally, identify with both GLBT [gay/lesbian/bisexual/tran(sexual)gendered]and.. depersonalization/ mental disorders [ocd, agoraphobia..]
and.. i think it'd be really interesting to combine the two into a community of its own.
are any of you interested in joining this/co-moderating with me?
i'm thinking something informative, helpful, yet.. fun.

thanks in advance!

<3
-lulu

3 comments|post comment

[22 Dec 2005|01:24am]

thedtree

[

mood

indescribable

]

Hi all, this is my first time posting in this community, or a community like this. Thing is, I'm not exactly sure if I suffer from depersonalization. I only know that there are moment that are pretty much exactly like what is described in the userinfo.

I've been reading a bit right now, about what different people experience and what I experience is nowhere near as extreme, nor would I call it particularly debilitating. But it is sudden, and sometimes quite harsh, it just doesn't happen as often as others seem to experience it.

This is generally what happens: Usually when I slip into it it starts with my vision just completely coming out of focus, very suddenly, and then it's like waves slowly moving through me, with everything looking blurry for a long time. It doesn't matter much what I'm doing, but it generally happens when I'm alone (at least, so far). My body feels very heavy, as if there is extra gravity pushing me down to the ground. I don't always feel depressed or anxious when it happens, though. Usually when it comes on when I'm feeling depressed the feeling of depression will persist, but it's never an overwhelming feeling. I'd almost describe the experience as whimsical, because I usually start randomly moving my arms through the air to test the gravity, and the things I do I don't feel at all in control over. Talking is almost impossible, as is thinking. It's basically like I'm simply reacting to every single thing around me. There is also almost a sense of wonder at feeling so out of myself. It's like everything is going in slow motion.

Thing is, while I don't generally feel that scared when it happens, I'm not very comfortable with it happening in the first place. I had and/or have (not too sure) PTSD (went to therapy when I was 13, am now 21) because of emotional trauma caused by childhood incidents. But... I'm just not sure. I feel like I'm exaggerating sometimes, because there is the separate issue wherein I have very low self-esteem and a very low perception of my self-worth. I sort of want to seek help but whenever I try to do so the feeling that I'm just making everything up to gain attention overwhelms me, so I've never gone through with it.

Anyway, yeah. I just wanted to share, because I'm sort of out of it now. I've shared this with other people, but generally they just nod and act like it's nothing out of the ordinary. Is it? I don't know. I just really don't know.

- D.

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[27 Oct 2005|09:34pm]

ex_five_by_f291

Hey everyone. I tried a new herb today for my DP and...IT WORKED. It's called Natrum mur. It's available at almost every health store or iherb.com.

ravishing_kijo I'm in the middle of your email now so you should have it when you get home!

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