Dragon Feather

Had my annual colonoscopy today.  The results aren't good.  The doc says the polyps are progressing.  Last time it was "it might" turn into cancer.  Now it's "when" it'll turn into cancer.  Big difference.  The doc is proposing that I have an operation to get the remainder of my colon removed and end up with an colostomy bag.  He recommended it last time as well but again last time it was all "mights."  I'm going to go through with it, though part of me would prefer to ignore it and just die when the time comes.  With the bag, it means no, or at least limited, pool use.  No fighting, ever.  And what bothers me the most, and perhaps I'm just being vane, but I would feel ugly.  I want to be attractive and it's hard to feel that way with this giant bag right there.  

either way the surgery won't happen till after the current move.  We can't stop the current wheels in mid rotation.  Once there, I'm contemplating modifications to my underwear to make it less "obvious."  the male equivalent of crotch-less panties.  It's my own vanity, but what can I say.

Currently I'm depressed and upset, and more than a bit angry.  I've been dropping weight and working hard on getting my health in order and this has really made me feel "why bother."   I know that's wrong and that the urge will pass.  But it's there right now, none the less.

Well, we woke up to do more moving to get mom into her new place.  Was going to be a "take it easy day" since yesterday was fairly intense getting all of my mom's big furniture moved (Thanks for the help Bear!)  In reality, it was, but we did some thinking.  Mom's in pretty bad shape, and probably will be for a long time to go, and the only place me and Jess found to move that we could afford would be an hour's drive away, and the three people my mom calls friend, and she'd be willing to call for help will be just as far.  So, I had a thought of living in the same complex as mom with mom using some of her backages she got from her disability to pay the diference from what we would be paying.  It was more a "It'd be nice" type of thought, not anything I took seriously though.  Told Jess about it though, and she agreed that it probably would be a good idea as she had similar worries, and convinced me to propose it to mom.  Mom thought on it, and as of a half hour ago, she agreed.  I know she was scared to be that far out of touch if something went badly.   checking with the property to see if they even have a unit available (downstairs, tyvm) and they have only one, litterally directly below mom's unit.  Its almost like its meant. 

The pros: 
     One bedroom apt instead of a studio
     Spa
     Patio
     Less worry about mom
     Shared cable/internet with mom.
     Has seperate storage for all of my tools!  (Was worried about that one!)

The Con's
     Farther away from some dear friends
     Farther away from shopping
     More in the beck and call range of mom.

Friday was the thing of dreams, unfortunately cut short by life.  Tonight, on the other hand, has no restrictions, no reservations, and no chance of sleep!  Woot!

Well, mom's back home, and a slew of apts to follow of course.  She was hoping to be at work in less than a week.  (Monday to be specific) but the dr's firmly squashed that idea. Yay drs!   

On the other hand, Jess had 4 teeth pulled today, with more coming.  To say the least she's not in good spirits, but sleeping as much as she can to get through them.

And I failed my first test of balancing having a Wife and a Girlfriend.  Luckilly the GF is understanding of it (if a bit understandably annoyed.)  I'm taking this failure as a lesson and learning from it.

I need sleep.  *yawn*  yet I can't fall asleep no matter how hard I try.  *Sigh*

Well, the theory is my mom is coming home today.  Maybe that's why I'm awake.  Hell if I know.  I really kind of doubt it though.  She had none of her normal docs yesterday because of the holiday, and it was one of those docs that pronounced this.  Her normal docs are steadfastly saying they aren't sending her home till she's actually better. 

One new diagnosis they found that she has a small "dead spot" on her heart.  They're speculating that she had a silent heart attack that caused this.  They're going to try using nitro patches to see if that fixes it.  Whether it does or doesn't, the new defib/pacemaker they implanted is even more important now.  Goody.  And she is, of course, talking about going to work as soon as she's home.  ::sigh::  

Looked over some of my old LJ entries and many times don't even recognized the person who wrote them.  The up and down, up and down roller-coaster of emotions is so much more out of control than I am today.  Not that I'm well centered now, but at least I'm not emo on a regular basis.

I'm gonna say that most of my positive feelings of late are from having a direction to go towards in the form of a new business opportunity that I'm forging ahead with. 

On the other hand, I'm going to apply a large portion of the emo back then from a failed relationship.  Not sure if I mentioned this in the past on LJ, but when I love, I tend to love for life.  For all that she nearly killed me, I do still love that ex-secondary.  Pretty f'd up.  

I also still love the arrangement of that relationship.  We worked together, the three of us, to try balancing everything out.  When two of us had a problem with each other, the third would mediate the discussion.  not taking sides, but making sure what one was saying the other actually understood, and kept emotions in check.  it helped keep disagreements to a minimum.

Now I'm finding myself in a new relationship.  It's good, with plenty of promise.  It's not like the triad, and I don't think it could ever be.  That's only to be expected, every relationship is different and trying to force it into a framework is a sure way to destroy it before it truly starts.  ::shrug::  

There are issues though, and though they don't directly involve me, they do still effect me.  At the very least, I don't like seeing her upset.  ::sigh::  

Just saw an episode of "strange sex" which featured a story on Polyamory.  It was actually very evenly done for once.  The V they interviewed were fairly 'normal' as I would define the term.  They covered the overall evolution of their relationships, as well as having an "expert" who gave tidbits about those of us who are polyamorous that I thought were close to dead on.  The only statement I had any qualms with is that most who are into the lifestyle had high self esteems and that's how come they don't experience jealousy.  ::shrug::  Probably true, but misleading.  I have shitty self esteem, but I make it work and don't get jealous by being confident in the relationship, not myself.  I know a few others who have the same outlook.  

We're back home.  Helped some friends who were in a car accident recently and needed help getting around town today, as well as visiting mom.  Her operation went well, and she's in relatively good spirits considering.  They might be sending her home as early as tomorrow, though probably friday or saterday.

So now I'm sitting back and watching my wife get ready for her date.  It's an amusing process.  She's so nervous!  lol.  

Mom's going in for an operation tomorrow morning.  turns out her heart is a bit more than just electrolytes and potasium levels.  There's something wrong with the electrical of her heart.  it's genetic, so to boot I have about a 50% chance of getting it myself as I get older.  Anyway, the operation is to put a defibulater in her chest so if her heart ever stops it can be instantly shocked back to life.  it's a relatively minor surgery, but honestly with mom even minor surgeries can be life threatening.  So, it's nervy, but I'm coping.  

Ok, we finally have a solid grip on what got my mom so sick.  Don't have an exact timeline, and not even going to try.  But it was all initially caused by a prolapsed bladder which was cutting off most of the flow of her urine.  The backup had caused a bladder infection.  That went undiagnosed (and thus untreated) because of a certain doc who needs to be throttled, but that's besides the point.  Because of that it turned into a full Urinary Track Infection (UTI).  This got serious enough that the body, to fight the infection, cut a lot of her blood flow to vital organs so that it could give its all to fighting a losing war.  The kidneys weren't getting enough of what it needed to function, so they shut down.  The docs caught on pretty quickly on this one, and started her on meds designed to bring them back up and running along with the antibiotics to kill the infection.  The combination of these meds through off her patasium and electrolyte levels, causing her heart to develop an arithmia.  Normally your breathing goes shallower to help fight off the effects but because of the buildup of toxins in her brain she was overly confused by all the motion going on around her which threw her in a panic, increasing her breathing and thus making the arithmia worse. 

Ok, major suckage, and all because one ER doc refused to take her issues seriously enough to at least do a simple piss test to check for an infection.  Did I mention he needed Throttled?  Arg!

But the good news is she's getting the infusions she needs to get her electorlytes and potasium back in balance.  The antibiotics seem to be working and fighting back the infection though its had enough time to get hold that it's taking time.  The dialysis is doing a good job of keeping the toxins down until her kidneys reboot, which the doc is fairly sure they will do and come to a near full recovery.  He's making no promises that they will ever again be 100% though, but at least close enough not to need the dialysis hooked up to her again. 

Today she was back to herself almost fully.  Still a bit slow on the uptake, but she did catch on to what was going on if you took your time with her.  She also is starting to get her sense of humor back, along with her unyielding need to go back to work.