feel free to ignore.

don't get me wrong, i was so happy to have a party and very happy that people showed up. we partied and had had a good time, but it was just. . .i dunno. the party that i had imagined and been looking forward to for so long was just not the party that i had.

it felt very much like i had two, well actually three, seperate groups of people that i just couldn't bring together. i had imagined a small room full of people just laughing and being stupid. instead, i kind of had:

a: the best friends. the two people who have always been there for me practially my whole life, or at least it seems that way. they don't usually get to come to my parties, so i was so genuinely overjoyed that they were there. you will never understand.

b: the new friends. people i've know for about a year or so, but who i'm pretty close too. my most best friends are usually not around alot anymore, what with school and things, so these people are like my crew when i'm alone. they are just as important to me as my best friends, but they are a different group of people.

c: mandy's friends. the people i usually party with. love them too, but they were mainly there to hang out with mandy, not with me.

so i have these groups, and i'm trying to get them together. i want a big group of friends, not three small groups, ya know? my friend dave, who i love and adore as he always rocks the fuck out for my amusement, even tried to help out, i was with the best friends, the new friends and mandy's friend were in the kitchen. he calls me over, hands me chair and tells me to sit and that my posse would follow me. and they did. so my dream group of people were together for a game of cards for about twenty minutes. then they disbanded again.

none of these groups seemed to want to communicate or hang out together. they all stayed in seperate groups, with me trying to jump between them. i don't know how else to describe this feeling.

it was a bit disappointing, like everyone had at least one problem preventing them for actually having a party. so instead i think they just showed up not to hurt my feelings. and i don't want to sound ungrateful, i was





wow. when lj says 'saved draft' they mean it. i was totally writing this two days ago and deemed it too emo to post.

it still sounds pretty emo. but i think i finally figured out the real reason i was so upset.

sara didn't show up.

why does this upset me? well, she's supposed to be my best friend, but as of late, that's only been true when it was convienent for her. i think the laptop incident may have a bit to do with it. she knew i was pissed. and it takes alot to piss me off, and i generally refuse to be angry without a valid reason, and i think i had one that time. but i still wanted her there, and she said she'd be there. didn't show up. didn't call. i was on myspace and another friend posted a blog saying they'd spent all day saturday with her, which was the day of my party.

so i waited. she didn't call the next day. and she didn't call monday on my actual birthday. and nobody else wanted her at my party anyway. so maybe i should be glad, cuz she would have been another group i had to babysit.

i'm upset because this same girl who had called me her sister to strangers, and who has told me and so many others that me and my family were closer to her than her own.

and now it's like i've been disowned for no reason. and then, when she's pissed off all her other friends, she'll come back to me. she always has. and being the fall-back friend is getting kind of old.