| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2016|11:49 pm]
TMI!
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Twas the night before Xmas
And in our marriage bed
Thick clouds of egg farts
Hung over our heads
My husband loves egg nog,
and I like them deviled
So between the two of us,
I'm glad the house wasn't leveled! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2016|09:00 pm]
TMI!
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I'm a straight male and I wish I was a woman. I wanna go through sex re-assignment surgery. How many heterosexual males go through sex re-assignment surgery? |
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| Inside a Coconut |
[Dec. 23rd, 2015|07:34 pm]
TMI!
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I just noticed that when I don't shake the coconut milk enough, it comes out in thin squirts and little chunks of cream, like what came out of my wife's breast when I cured her mastitis with suction. |
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| Vag Bubbles |
[Sep. 25th, 2015|12:43 pm]
TMI!
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Just got my period and... vag bubbles. So gross. I can never tell if it is just air or if clots are coming out (past the tampon) so I constantly have to check. *whines* |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 11th, 2015|02:17 pm]
TMI!
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( i cut my toe. Collapse ) |
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| Ugh. |
[Apr. 10th, 2015|02:53 pm]
TMI!
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So last weekend I was dead to the world and my dad came in to wake me up for our usual Saturday father-daughter shopping excursion. He gave me my breakfast and left, and as I was rolling over all groggy-like, I noticed that my leg felt...wet. And my shorts (I was wearing those super-comfy dude basketball shorts) were wet. Like clinging to my leg wet. I was like "...did I pee and not notice it?" I looked down...
...nope.
I did not pee.
It looked like my lady business had gone on a murdering spree in the night.
I was both disgusted and fascinated. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2015|11:54 pm]
TMI!
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I've been getting over a cold, and one of the last remaining symptoms is that my sinuses feel like there's still something up in them.
Just now I managed to blow out what feels like every remaining bit of gunk in them. It took about 15 tissues. I am both disgusted and impressed, and I'm also pretty glad to not have all that up my nose anymore. I hope that's all of it. |
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| Anxiety Troubles |
[Dec. 26th, 2014|10:32 pm]
TMI!
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I have a pretty raging anxiety disorder and when things get stressful, I suffer from either:
1. Crazy, bad, intense Nervous Diarrhea OR
2. Horrible, nightmare-grade constipation.
There is no happy medium.
Back in September, I was walking to work. It is about a 3 mile walk over varied terrain. When I left my house I noticed clouds gathering but they seemed far away and any storms were not in the forecast. About a quarter of a mile in, the wind picked up and rain started to pelt me. Whatever. I continued on, and got to a bridge that went over railroad tracks. The clouds had turned dark at this point and thunder was rolling. But it seemed far away. I checked my phone and needed to press on to make it to work on time. I stepped on to the concrete and metal bridge, which was about .23 of a mile across, walking as fast as I could. The storm looked far away. I turned up the volume on This American Life, praying I'd scurry across ok. I was about a quarter of the way across when a HUGE-ASS BOLT OF FUCKING LIGHTNING lit up in front of me. I do not know how it missed the bridge. At that moment, I knew that I fucked up big time risking going on there anyway, I caught my breath, and RAN. RAN LIKE HELL. I started running at full-tilt as soon as the thunder started to crack. And it cracked, hard. I felt it in my bones.
I made it across that damn bridge, made it to work in heavy rain and ducked into the first bathroom I could find. I had terrible, loud, painful nervous poop. So bad. I thought I was going to barf at the same time! I went to wipe and....NO TOILET PAPER. NONE.
I shimmied my ass SO HARD. Then I tossed my backpack out of the stall and waddled to the next one to wipe my shameful ass. Perhaps that was my karma for poorly handling the lightning on a metal bridge about metal train tracks.
AND NOW:
I skipped out on going with my husband to his family's Christmas (self care!) but I still felt real bad about it and I have been STOPPED UP for......4 days now. I have consumed coffee, special poop tea, water, fiber and went for a walk and still no dice.
CURSES!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2014|09:58 am]
TMI!
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Inspired by the dog horror story from yesterday:
( The day my cat explodedCollapse )
Xena came and saw me after she got cleaned up, she was fine after that, very tumbly and affectionate as usual, and she's never done that again, though she still goes into full-blown banshee mode each time she goes in a car. And my mom is hardcore as fuck. |
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