[

mood

|

good

]

Viggo has been with me a couple of weeks now. Things seem to be going alright, I think. I should sit down and talk with him and ask him his feeling.

I know, well I guess, he does get kind of lonely being stuck in the house all day and all night by himself. But I'm not sure what I can do about that, except give up one of my jobs and to be honest, I know this might sound selfish of me but I don't want to have to do that. I like what I do.

Yes, I don't get paid to work at the clinic but it makes me feel good, makes me feel like I'm actually doing something, even though I'm sort of not doing a whole lot, really. And then there's the club. I love working at the club. Being around the music and all those different people. Makes me feel good also. Plus I get paid to work there and if I didn't have that job, I would be able to pay rent or buy food and the things Viggo would like. Not that he ever asks for anything.

I guess that's one of the things I like about him, love about him I should say. Because I -do- love him. And I hope he knows that. He makes me happy. Sad and guilty also, but the happiness wins over that, I think.

Right now, life feels good to me. I just hope Vig feels the same way....

I miss Elijah...

[

mood

|

exhausted

]

Raising my head slowly off the pillow I blink tiredly--having not slept all night and glance over at the window. I can see the first rays of morning sun poking up over the horizon and I know that it's my time to leave. I pause a moment as I turn away from the window and down at the sleeping form lying in the bed next to me.

Viggo--he looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. If only he could find some peace while he was awake. Sighing lightly I lift a shakey hand up to push some of his hair from off his forehead causing him to stir and murmer something in his sleep--something I cant't make out.

I know then that it's my time to leave. Before he wakes up. Before he finds me here.

Carefully climbing off the bed I make my way to the door quietly, pausing only briefly to look back at him before I open the door, check the corridor and sneak out the room just as silently as I entered last night.

[

mood

|

confused

]

I don't know what to do.....

Elijah hates me and thinks I'm with another man when I'm not. I have feelings for this other guy, not that I will admit them to anyone, but I do have feelings for Viggo. I'm not sure if he feels the same way. I don't think he does, I mean we kissed once which was nice but he ended up crying, which wasn't nice and kind of proves to me that he didn't want to kiss me in the first place. I don't even know why he started crying. I wish I did. Then maybe I could help in some way.

I just wish I could help him, period. He seems so lost, hurt and sad a lot of the time and I would love to take that all away and see him happy for once. But I don't think that will happen for a long while. It would be nice to think that seeing me made him happy but I doubt that. I think he sees me as someone who can take his mind off of things for a while. Someone who can maybe keep him safe. I don't know..... I don't know what to think anymore.

Then, there's Elijah. I've really messed up with him and I have no idea as to how I'm going to make things right. I really think he hates me. He caught me with Viggo and then confronted me about it. He got really upset and didn't want to be anywhere near me. That confused me to no end. Not that he didn't want to be near me but because he was so upset about it. I thought we were friends and he just seemed hurt and betrayed by the fact I'd kissed someone else. And some of the things he said to me really, really hurt. I've never seen him like that.... except when he was on the drugs.

I'm starting to think that my being around so much is maybe screwing him up even more. I wouldn't be surprised. Nothing I do would surprise me anymore. *sighs*

I'm so confused about things right now. Maybe I should talk to someone. Miranda maybe. Though I'm not sure if that would be a good idea. I'm not sure I even want to tell her anything. I'm not sure I want to tell *anyone* anything.

[

mood

|

sad

]

Dropping the last rose into the ocean I silently watch it float back and forth with the tide, with each surge it moved further and further out to sea, until I could no longer see it. Shoving my hands into my pockets I glance away and up across the almost empty beach. I'd been here two hours already, throwing roses into the ocean and talking to Rachel. Telling her the things that had happened in the last year and what I was up to now. I did the same thing each year and I didn't know why. She couldn't hear me, could she? So why bother.

Sighing I run a hand shakily through my hair as I look back out to sea, the sun shimmering across the blue. It was beautiful and I wished Rachel was here to see it, she would have loved it.

'I miss you. I'm so sorry Rachel, I'm so sorry I couldn't save you...'

I close my eyes briefly, tears slipping out from under lashes and slowly sliding down my cheeks. Brushing them away I open my eyes again, looking one last time over the ocean.

'I love you, big sister.'

Turning quickly away, I run back up the beach towards my car, pulling my cell phone out my pocket and dialing the clinic's number. I needed to talk to Miranda.

[

mood

|

blank

]

A Faded Rose
by Rosebud

A sunny summer morning,
A steamy August night,
Began with love and hopefulness;
And ended with shock and fright.
As we awoke and we found out
About the day before,
The shock set in; the grief began
And we felt it more and more -
The anger at those who caused this,
And at those who didn't care.
Still felt by some, it hasn't stopped
Because this isn't fair.
How different would our world be
Had this event not occurred.
The shock we never would have felt,
The crying never heard.
If this rose hadn't faded,
If this rose hadn't died,
Would we still all be happy,
And would we not have cried?
Or had she lived, would things be worse -
Not for us, but for her?
Her death horrific, yet merciful,
A blessing for the girl.
We haven't quite figured it out,
But one day we will know.
Without a doubt we'll all find out
And in our knowledge, grow.

I have the day off work tomorrow and I'm going to spend part of it at the beach. I'm going to take a bunch of Rachel's favourite flowers (Blue Moon Roses) and I'm going to throw them into the ocean (another one of her favourite things), tell her I love her and tell her that I'm sorry. I do it every year, I'm not too sure why....

[

mood

|

sad

]

Not that I'm in much of a mood for celebrating...

I had a call from my Mum and Samantha this morning. It was so great to hear from them. I haven't spoken to them in so long and I miss them so much. I didn't realise how much until I heard their voices on the phone. They asked me to come home, but I said I couldn't. I have responsibilities here. Like, Elijah for one. And Viggo, even though I don't know him, I want to help him. Along with other people... So I told them I couldn't and they cried and I just felt so bad. I hope they'll understand, one day.

I know they want me home and I know why they do. In two days time, it will be the seven year anniversary of my sister, Rachel's, death. I haven't been to visit her graveside since I left home and even then I'd only been to see her once and that was at the funeral.

I miss her so much! So much, that it hurts. I just wish she was here and could tell me everything was going to work out ok. But she isn't here and she can't tell me everything will be alright. Because she's dead! And she's never coming back! I just hope she knew how much I loved her and that I'm sorry for letting her die.

So sorry...

[

mood

|

thoughtful

]

I woke up today, once again thinking about what Miranda, one of the counsellors at the clinic, said to me about becoming a volunteer. I started wondering what that would actually involve and also wondering whether I could actually help in some small way.

Could I do it? Would I be able to help those people even when I have problems of my own?

I'm not sure. But I think I'm going to go and talk to her again and find out more about it. Then think about it some more and then maybe make a decision.

[

mood

|

distressed

]

[ooc - This chat actually takes place before this chat.]

( Viggo finds someone to confide in...Collapse )

[

mood

|

crappy

]

God I feel like such a shit!

I can't believe myself sometimes. Not only did I loose my brain and completely forget that Elijah doesn't see his Mother and sister, but I also fucked up by saying I'd stopped loving him because of the things he had started to do. Which was something I shouldn't have said. *sigh*

Then to top it off, I pushed someone I hardly know into telling me some stuff about them, which they probably didn't even want to tell me in the first place. But me being the nosy bugger that I am, pushed and asked questions that I shouldn't have and I ended up upsetting him!

I need shooting or I need a gag so I can't speak or I maybe just need to think before I speak because at the moment I certainly haven't being doing that. And I need to start.

Fuck.

[

mood

|

calm

]

( Orlando meets Atti out in the gardenCollapse )

[

mood

|

okay

]

My first visit with Elijah went pretty well I thought. Ok, so he was snappy with me and didn't understand why I was there. Which is pretty understandable as I made him go into rehab in the first place and I know he doesn't want to be there, so him getting mad at me is probably a good thing right? At least he's showing some sort of emotion.

I just wish he would understand that I only have his best interests at heart, because I really do care about him. I just hope one day he forgives me for making him do this. I made him go into the clinic because I want him to be the person he used to be, before he started doing drugs. I know he won't completely ever be that person again, but I can hope for a small part of that person back can't I?

In other news, I think I made myself a new friend. He's a patient at the clinic. He thought I was a patient there too and seemed a little disappointed that I wasn't one.

Hmmmmm, I hope that doesn't mean he won't ever talk to me again. I liked him, he...... interests me. And he seems so lonely and in pain, you can tell by looking into his eyes. It makes me want to make things better for him, make all his pain and hurt go away.

If only I could.

[

mood

|

worried

]

I'm starting to worry!

Lijah has been at the clinic for a couple of days now and I haven't heard from him. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he's doing better then he thought he would do and doesn't need to call me or anything. Or maybe he just hates me for sending him to that place.

If he hates me I can deal with that. I only care that he gets better and that he can get some of his life back. I just wish I knew how he was doing. I need to know. I'd like to hear his voice and hear for myself. I could call him, I guess, but then I don't want him to think I'm checking up on him and that I doubt him in any way. I don't doubt him at all, he's strong. Stronger then he knows. But then is he strong enough to beat this?

God I hope so! I want my old Elijah back....

[

mood

|

determined

]

Well what is there to say about a guy whose led a not so interesting life?

My name is Orlando Bloom. My friends call me Orli. I was born January 13th, in Canterbury, Kent, England, it was snowing that day apparently.

I was what you would call a regular boy with a fairly 'normal' family. I had a Mother, Father and two older sisters. Didn't really get to know my Father as he died when I was just four years old. He was a good man, I know that and even though I didn't get a chance to know him, I miss him. It would have been nice to have had more of a Father figure in my life. Being brought up by three women was tough sometimes, as they were always fussing and mothering me, but then again I wouldn't have changed it for the world. Not now though, now I hate people fussing, mothering and worrying about me.

I'm getting off track here, where was I? Oh yes, my family life. My Mother was always working so I was mostly brought up by my sisters. Apparently I was always following them around, something which I of course deny. But I do love them, my family are one of the most important things in my life and they always will be. Things happened when I was growing up, but what we went through only brought us all closer.

I should explain to you about what happened even though I don't enjoy talking about it. It brings up bad memories and hurts a lot. I don't think I'll ever get over seeing my twenty-two year old sister overdose right in front of me. I was nineteen at the time and knew she was taking heroin. But I always thought she had a grip on her addiction, I guess I was rather naïve. I didn't know much about it, if I had then maybe I could have saved her. Maybe she wouldn't have died that day in my arms.

When I'm really hurting and need to take my anger out on something I take it out on her, because she isn't around, because she left me. I know that's wrong and I feel bad afterwards but why did she have to start down that path? I don't get it and I probably never ever will.

Which I suppose comes to why I'm here. After my sister died, I moved away to Los Angeles, the city of dreams, or so I thought. I fell in love with the place instantly, it was everything England wasn't. A lot of opportunity for a kid who wants to experience anything and everything. I was having a great time until I realised I was running out of money and fast. So I had to get a job.

First job I got was working in a surf shop. I enjoyed that, got to meet some really cool people, even took up surfing myself. But I got bored after a few months and had to move on. Second job I got was a parking valet, you know where you work for a hotel or restaurant and you park the customers cars for them. Liked that job too, got to drive some really nice cars.

By this time I'd been in Los Angeles for over a year and I was twenty-one. I got bored again so I got myself a job in a club. This was my favourite job. The people, the music and the whole atmosphere was just amazing.

I'd been working there for two years and that was when I met Elijah, I think I fell in love with him the first time I saw into those intense, amazing blue eyes of his and that smile. He ordered a drink and then talked to me all night. I could have listened to him talk and talk for hours.

We started a relationship and I was so happy and in love. But things changed and I should have read the signs but I didn't. Everything he did wrong, I forgave him for. All the lies and the deceit I forgave. I didn't want to think that my sweet Elijah was taking drugs. But after a while I couldn't take it anymore. I broke up with him and that was the wrong thing to do, I should have stayed with him and tried to help him. But I guess I was being selfish and trying to protect myself. I didn't want to see someone else die, someone else I loved die and be taken from me.

I didn't see him for a while and I tried to forget about him, but I couldn't. I wasn't in love with him anymore, though I will always love him in a way. But the guilt of just walking out on him was just eating me up inside. So I went to see him one day and what I saw shocked me. He was a lot worse then I thought he would be, it was just indescribable what he looked like and how he acted and I can't help thinking that my leaving him had just made it worse. I decided there and then that I wasn't just going to leave him again. I was going to help him get better. So I did. With a lot of persuasion and him telling me he couldn't do what he was doing anymore. I enrolled him in this clinic, so he can get better. It's going to take a lot of time and I'm going to be there for him whenever he needs me. Day or night.

I just hope it works.