It has been approximately forever since I've been on LJ. Being in a relationship and having a life severely cuts into one's internet time. Especially when classes don't require a laptop, and hence no bored surfing/posting.

Quick and dirty update on my life:

Mom was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer in February of 2010. We spent Superbowl Sunday in the hospital post a surgery to prevent her colon from being blocked in the future. She's since been on chemo, and is doing well. Prayers and well wishes are gladly appreciated.

I had a girlfriend from March until December 1st of last year. My first relationship, not my last, just officially ended yesterday for good. It hurts, it sucks, it's awkward. It'll eventually get better. (This is why I have a therapist. Okay, Mom is the reason I have a therapist. Dealing with this is just a side effect I enjoy.)

I ran my half marathon! It was awful hard, and I made four major mistakes: 1) I didn't have the music I wanted ready in a playlist. It's amazing how much difference the right music can make on  run. 2) I ate food I hadn't pre-tested during training the night before (jambalaya and gumbo, for the record), and had a subsequently upset stomach the next morning. It wasn't too excessive, but enough to be a noticeable discomfort/distraction during the race. 3) I tapered off my training leading up to the race too sharply and too early. 4) I didn't take the weather forecast into account. With my old knee injury, swings from hot to cold (and vice versa) overnight leave me with some swelling and stiffness/achyness. It was comfortably cool for running, but my knee started acting up about 3 miles in, and it was hard going after that. Still, all things considered, I finished! 2:55:02, final time. And it was my first race! So, not too shabby.

I visited NYC and my bestie Kiah in NJ and saw Billy Elliot and American Idiot and met new people and had a fantastic week in a winter wonderland. Also, staked out Columbia/NYU neighborhoods in relation to the theater district and where my friends might be located in the future.

Also, got my wisdom teeth out! I'm mostly recovered now, but it was a torturous week and a half of not eating what I wanted and having to adjust NY plans accordingly.

Had a good break at home, a fantastic Christmas with my family (although sometimes I feel like it whizzed by. I wasn't in the Christmas spirit early enough, I guess), and spent my New Year with Liz and Ann and Katie, a habit that I'm not mad is forming. I've got a friend recovering from a serious ski accident from Christmas Day, but she's beastly and already doing super awesome in her recovery. More prayers and well wishes are totally appreciated, yet again.

I start spring semester of my junior year at LSU tomorrow, as an official English Major with Minors in Theater and Political Science. I'm taking 4 theater classes, an upper-level workshop English class and intro to Logic, so I can ace the LSAT. Oh, yeah, that's why I was mentioning Columbia and NYU-- I'm going to law school, and I want to go east. If not in NYC, a stone's throw from it; so D.C. and northward.

I think that's just about everything that has happened to me since my last update/previous updates that never happened, and nothing more than I would put on my Facebook, so this entry is public. I'm thinking of making this journal friends only, so if you're an anonymous lurking reader who used to enjoy my entries, post a comment here and let me know if you'd still enjoy reading my sporadic updates on what I call my life.

Can't say as if I'll be updating all the time, but I think I'll use my as yet-unnamed New Year's Resolutions to:

1. Write at least once a week, with rewards if I write every day.
2. Blog at least once a week, with a picture to go along with it. A project 52, of sorts. (50, if I don't retro-blog the first two weeks of January.)
3. Keep losing weight, as I've slowly been doing for about a year now.

Boom. Nutshell.

I've seen Iron Man 2 in IMAX, I've been back to the JCC, I've spent time on the Steidley couch, I've seen all my surrogate puppies, I've run around Herod Elementary, I've driven in both my parents' cars, I've had Chipotle and Little Miyako's, I've had a midnight food run with my friends, I've killed time at Barnes & Noble, I've slept in (and slept in, and slept in...), I've pulled (mostly) an all-nighter for no reason, I've complained about Dad to Mom, I've complained about Mom to Dad, I've cruised around Meyerland, Bellaire AND West U (and Southside Place if you want to get particular), I've acquired a new shot glass and christened it with some Old Crow, I've already started to gain a watch tan, I've gotten a new Esteban guitar and I've popped the first string on it twice.

I have yet to crash school, or get my hair done, or work a shift, or see Julie, or eat House of Pies, or have a midnight milkshake, or visit Lacy, or see most of my family, or swim in my own pool, or unpack (organize, cull, donate, repack) my shit, or fix the printer, or get my own car, or save any money, or catch Liz up on Glee (and the numerous other tv/movies we've planned on watching), or watched a movie at Edwards, or worn a swimsuit, or visited the beach, or woken up before noon.

But there's a whole lot of summer left. I've got a journal, and a camera, and a lot of plans.

One week down, several to go.

Most of the time, I don't mind not having a significant other. I don't mind not having drama, I don't mind not having someone to fight with, or over, or be jealous about, or share everything with. I don't mind not spending money on someone else all the time, or getting in trouble for not remember anniversaries (because I have a feeling I'm going to suck at that, if my penchant for sucking at remembering birthdays is any indication). I don't mind having my free time be my free time and adding a relationship to my already full plate.

But sometimes, it gets to me.

Then, I mind that I don't have someone to hold and snuggle with under a blanket in my cold room. I mind that when my friends tell me I look cute, I have no one to be looking cute for. I mind that no one loves me the way I crave to be loved. I mind that I don't have someone to shower random gifts with just because I can. I mind that I don't have someone special to spend my lazy weekends with, or someone to get up and not have a lazy weekend for.

Sometimes, it really, really gets to me.

I shaved my legs for the first time in ages tonight, and I forgot how silky and smooth and pretty my legs can be when I do. And I have no one to appreciate them, no one to share them with. (No one to kiss the little nick I left on my knee.)

It gets to me.

Most of the time, I'm okay with it. Being an only child was kind of a training for this, in that I like my alone time, I need my space from my friends, I don't constantly want or need to be around people. But when I feel like crying for no reason, and I'm alone in my cold room with no one to text at four in the morning because I'm awake, and my friends don't think I'm that touchy-feely because I don't know how to ask for the hug I need...

Tonight, right now, it's gotten to me.

Booth and Brennan's toasting with champagne (Can I interest you in some shampagen?) is appropriate.

Hello, 2010!

As it stands, I kicked this year off pretty well. 2009 was filled with sadness and being a kind of workaholic, really. Silently grieving for Grandpa in the spring and kicking ass in my classes because of it. Then working long hours and hot days at the JCC over the summer, earning myself almost-heat exhaustion. Top it off with being an RA this past fall in Miller, and you'd think I'd have a little bit more to show for it.

Which brings me to my first resolution: spend less money. I'm not talking about an entire turnaround when it comes to my finances, just taking better advantage of the blessings I have, which include decent money every two weeks and parents that are still providing for me in every aspect of my life. [I was reminded of this when I was complaining about a lack of my own car when my mom reminded me that both she and my father bought their own the first time they ever had a vehicle. True, times are different, but that doesn't mean I can't provide most to all of the money, especially considering how much money I have earned over the years.] The first step (which I have already taken) is to avoid my graphic t-shirt sites, like Threadless, TeeFury, woot, etc. I still glance at them, but I'm such an impulse buyer that having the data already saved is a terrible plan for me. Second step (which I have also already taken) is to move some of my money out of checking into savings so I can't just use it all up with my debit card.

Second resolution: get into shape, with the goal of making the LSU club soccer team in the fall. Again, this is something that I've made a start toward, as Ginny got me running and playing around with a ball now and then when I got home, although I haven't done anything since Christmas. I plan on swimming with Amanda and running with Mindy and finding some people to play soccer with, whether it's Brad and the people he plays with or not.

Third resolution: stop slacking on school. With a 3.75 this semester and a 3.59 cumulative GPA, you might not say that was slacking. But with the amount of procrastination I do, the sheer volume of TV I watch and the inordinate amount of time I spend on the internet/my computer, I could be doing a lot better if I would just commit myself just a little bit more to my schoolwork, and I wouldn't be hanging on by the skin of my teeth to A's or B's that could all be on-lock A's for sure. Considering I want to get into a good law school in the east now that Dad and I have decided I'll go to humor him (and give me something to do while I exercise my Peter Pan complex and attempt to get published), and he'll pay for wherever I want if I can get in, then I'd damn well better get ready to kick ass and get my ass kicked in return by schoolwork that is 100% serious.

That's enough for now, really, some things included under the umbrella of my holy trinity of resolution, like eating healthier and procrastinating less and such. And there's the underlying current of trying to get out of my comfort zone and putting myself out there for new friends and enjoying my life a little bit more before undergrad college is over, dwelling on the friends that are elsewhere less, talking to all of my family more and taking better care of myself, period, self-esteem and possible depression issues included.

Call me cliche or call shenanigans if you will, but I think 2010 is going to be good for me, and it's based solely on a feeling. 2008 was a year of uppity ups and downer downs (from graduating to losing Grandpa), and 2009 was a year of transition and change. I'm finally starting to feel a little bit different when I come home from college and I'm hoping that's a good thing, and I think I'm a little bit less afraid of things changing than I was before. At the very least, I'm ready and willing to try to adapt to these changes as best I can, whether they're in my friends' personalities or my own.

Here's to the feeling (and hope) that 2010 will be a good year for me, and all of you as well.

And I'm back to this again. Fuck.

( I don't know how to fucking TELL people this. All I can do is say it and hope that I'll figure it the fuck out. Because I'm feeling seriously alone and I don't know what talking will do from hundreds of miles away.Collapse )

( This post got really long and really emotional without my permission. Cut so as not to kill flists.Collapse )

Fuck. *sigh*